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Have you ever gotten one of those gifts?

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You know the ones I mean.

The  “Oh holy crap, did someone really just give me that?”  variety.

When I was a teenager I had an aunt who ran a department at Time/Life. She attended numerous publishing conventions and thought it was great fun to collect the freebies off the exhibitors tables and then wrap them up as gifts. Over the years I received Exxon pencil sets, IBM keychains, and Dow Chemical clipboards. I got Sheraton note paper and Hilton shampoo. I even unwrapped Army camouflage toilet paper for my birthday one year.

Good times.

 

 

But every once in a while, she would actually purchase something. Not a hardship, considering the woman had a blue chip stock portfolio as long as my arm.

When I was 15, she must have gone to a thrift store….because she came home and gifted me with a slightly used  “pretty blue and white porcelain thing.”

That’s what she called it, The Thing….. not knowing what it really was. When she apologized for the strong smell and told me I should probably wash it?

I realized it was a bong.

 

 

Okay, so she nailed it that time.

Me and The Thing had many happy years together.

But by far the most interesting and ludicrous gift she ever gave me was this book I found when cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago.

 

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She majored in English Lit at Smith and probably thought a collection of light hearted verse would be nice.

 

 

But sadly…

Attention to detail was not her strong suit.

As witnessed by the table of contents.

 

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Yeah.

When you have a chapter on buggery?

They’re not your mother’s limericks.

 

 

I’m not a prude, but wow.

Some of those rhymes make even me blush.

And as much as I’d like to share the truly colorful ones with you, I don’t want to get WordPress blacklisted.

So here’s a small sampling of the mildest instead.

 

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The moral of the story?

If you’re buying a book as a gift,  it’s probably a good idea to scan a few of the pages for content first.

That being said, if you’re ever in need of a filthy limerick…

I’m your girl.

 

 

See?

There’s a way to sneak Game of Thrones into everything.

50 thoughts on “Have you ever gotten one of those gifts?”

  1. 466 is particularly relevent in this part of the world.

    Putting that aside for the moment, can I borrow this book? Purely for accademic research, of course.

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  3. Yikes, that’s one eye-popping table of contents! Way to go, Auntie!

    To answer the question in the title, I’d have to say, sure, but not like yours. And for that, I cannot decide if I’m grateful or disappointed.

    Whoever compiled the limericks, though was very thoughtful to include notes, variants, AND an index. Very thoughtful.

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    1. I’d like to give her credit, but she truly had no idea what was she was buying …. and I never had the heart to tell her.
      As for the thoughtful authors, yes. You’d hate to waste time on the virginity chapter when what you really wanted was buggery.
      Very thoughtful indeed…
      😉

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  5. I love the mortician limerick, hilarious! I had a former coworker that was infamous for re-gifting. One year we had a gift exchange for Christmas and the re-gifter coworker gave another of my co-workers a Flamingo Pin that she had gotten from one of our directors the year before. The only thing is, we had seen her wear the pin throughout the year then she put it back in the box and gave it to my other coworker for Christmas! So as a joke, a group of us give that Flamingo Pin to each other come Christmas each year. We’ve been doing it now for eleven years now. lmao

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    1. That’s perfect!
      I don’t really have a problem with regifting… but only if it’s still brand new, never used and in the original packaging. Wearing it for a year and then regifting? That’s a big no no.

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  6. That’s not too out there. I occasionally write limericks about Chamber of Horrors.

    My friend gets me framed pictures of bathtubs every time she finds them. I have a framed picture of a fork from her hanging in my room.

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  11. OMG! THAT was f****** hilarious! Now I know where “There once was a man from Nantucket…” came from! 🤣

    I was never gifted with aunts in my family. My dad had a younger brother & my mom had four brothers. All I had were strange women that agreed to share my uncles’ last names (as a side note, my mom’s maiden name is Griswold so, I will leave you to entertain yourself over that one).

    As far as I can tell, there is only one thing that will get you unceremoniously thrown off of WP…writing anything derogatory about S@ndy H00k. Past that, it is an open door. There is sex all over WP…the subtle, the strange, the kinky, the hot stuff and the “pour bleach in my eyes” stuff. WP only requires a “mature content” tag.

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    1. Good to know, thank you. Maybe I’ll do a follow up with some of the really raunchy ditties in the future….
      My family is small. I’m an only child. My mother was an only child, born to an only child. Thankfully my father had 3 siblings… though only one other had children. Clearly we didn’t like each other that well.
      😕

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      1. I’m an only child, too. My mom’s people had big, farming families. My dad’s side might have been bigger but, my GM lost three babies. I am the only granddaughter on that side. On the other side, I am the only granddaughter with a different last name and born on my GM’s birthday. I SPECIAL. 🤪😳😇🤓

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      2. You is!
        Sadly I never knew my grandparents. My mother’s parents went back to Austria before I was born, my father’s father died when my dad was 10, and his mother died when I was 2 so I have no memory. They say you can’t miss what you never knew, but I kind of do.
        😰

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      3. Have mercy… I am the opposite. When I came along in 1966, on my dad’s side, I had my full set of maternal GGPs (passed when I was 15) & my paternal GGF was still around (passed when I was five). On my mom’s side, my maternal GGM was still around but, passed when I was two. Had my GMs well into my 30s & 40s.

        You miss them terribly when they pass and they were a part of your life for any length of time. 💔😥😖

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  14. AND TODAY THEY ARE WORTH MILLIONS BUT YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS CHEAP!!

    ” Over the years I received Exxon pencil sets, IBM keychains, and Dow Chemical clipboards. I got Sheraton note paper and Hilton shampoo. I even unwrapped Army camouflage toilet paper for my birthday one year.”

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