Tag Archives: hoarding

Please throw that away….

 

My husband is a hoarder.

He collects. He acquires.

He’s never met an empty space he didn’t immediately want to fill.

And he saves everything.

 

 

I’ve learned over the years that if I let him have certain sections of our home… the garage, the shed, the barn, the cellar and a closet….. I can just close the doors and pretend they’re not filled with crap.

 

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He’s a good man, and a wonderful husband. Lord knows there are worse things to deal with than too much stuff .

Of course I also have to clear paths now and then… a la the Collyer Brothers.

It took the police 5 hours to find his body.

 

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When it starts to drive me nuts?

I tell myself it’s just a quirk of his personality and I love him anyway. Sometimes I have to say that twice.

But the other day I realized he’s been stuffing my file drawers full of old, unwanted documents for years.. and that won’t be tolerated.

 

 

Leave and earnings statements from 1986? Check!

Insurance bills from 2001? Why not.

Water purity test results from 2007? Yup.

A Groupon for a restaurant that went out of business 7 years ago? Of course.

His late mother’s newspaper delivery renewal form? Sure.

Doctors instructions for a colonoscopy prep in 1999? Oh, yeah.

Why does he want these things?

I have no earthly idea, but they sure pile up.

 

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( Yes, that’s a stash of alcohol in my office.

Don’t judge, the liquor cabinet is full. )

 

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So I shredded. And shredded. And shredded some more.

I shredded so long and so much….

The shredder was literally smoking.

Which could have gone very wrong…. very quickly.

 

 

3 hours of sorting and shredding and almost catching the house on fire later, it was done.

And you know what that means?

Tomorrow he’s going to ask me for that Security Awareness Virtual Initiative Course completion certificate from 2003.

I just know it.

 

 

 

This literally makes me twitch.

 

A few years ago my husband built a barn.

It’s a lovely barn….

 

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Complete with a farmer’s porch for me and my late afternoon book.

Or margarita.

(Who are we kidding?

I don’t always bring the book.)

 

 

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He’d never built anything before and aside from a few minor boo boos, it turned out very well.

The first floor was meant to house the riding lawn mower, 2 motorcycles, 3  push mowers, 2 weed wackers, a snow blower and other assorted tools.

That was why we built it. Because our old barn/shed is falling apart and we have no where else to put all those things.

 

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See?

When I say falling apart… I mean literally falling.

Needless to say the barn did not go up quickly. It was worked on nights and weekends…. and from the first footer to now?

 

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7 years.

And it’s still not really finished.

Last weekend the husband was back at it, putting up interior walls.

 

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Of course there’s a problem with the construction taking that long.

It gave the husband time to fill the barn with crap.

So much crap that not only is there no room for the lawn mowers and motorcycles…

There’s now barely enough room for him to put up walls.

 

 

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And that literally makes me twitch.

 

 

Why do you see an office chair, a microwave, a water cooler, a wagon wheel, a fold up bed, 2 metal wheelchair ramps, a driftwood tree and a card table in there?

Because someone was throwing them away….

And they were free.

 

 

Not pictured are 3 front doors, 2 locked safes without combinations, a potato planter, an 8 track tape player and a scale for weighing bags of grain.

Will he be planting potatoes or weighing grain bags while listening g to 8 track tapes?

No.

Will he be replacing our front door?

Hell no.

But apparently knowing he could is enough.

 

The purge continues…

 

 

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No, not that kind.

Although now that I think about it….

 

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Maybe one night would be alright.

No…

I’m talking about my  damn it, the shelves are about to break  walk in closet clothing purge.

Last week I sorted through 107 pairs of jeans and capris.

This week? I attacked the shirts.

 

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Should I tell you there were 133 stacked there…. and that’s not counting what was hanging or hiding in 3 large bureaus?

No… I don’t think I will.

 

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Purging is work.

And time consuming.

Not to mention depressing as hell when you realize how many items you actually can’t fit into anymore.

 

 

(If you’ve never done this, and have no idea what I’m talking about?

You’re too thin…. and I don’t think we can be friends.)

What to keep?

What to discard?

 

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I purged.

 

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And have 4 more bags to donate to Salvation Army.

Yes, I hated to give up the Sometimes I Amaze Myself tee shirt… because damn it, sometimes I do!

But you have to be ruthless when you purge.

Before – 133.

 

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After –  47.

 

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Ruthless.

I was ruthless I tell you.

 

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Apparently just like the sadistic bananas at your local grocer’s.

Cold weather, lawn tractors, pack rats and men that don’t plan ahead.

Have I mentioned it’s been cold?

Well, it has.

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(If you don’t have WTForecast on your phone, you should. It makes bad weather bearable.)

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And if we still had cats, yes. I’d do that too.

Bitter temps and high winds make me want to hunker down and hibernate…

And drink.

But come to think of it so do warm weather, humidity, fog, wind, rain, hail and thunderstorms….. so make of that what you will.

It’s still winter here in Maine.

But that didn’t stop my husband from shopping for a lawn mower.

He wants one of these –

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Which they practically give away for the ever so reasonable price of $5,500.

To which my reaction was…

He shopped around for the best price…

(spoiler alert, there isn’t one)

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And made this poor guy dig one he promised to buy out of the solid ice and snow. Then he ordered it somewhere else.

Thanks husband.

Now I can’t show my face at the local Tractor Supply without fear of reprisal.

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Did I mention…

This new tractor won’t fit in our shed slash (yes, there used to be a horse in there) barn?

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Center post, 4 push mowers, patio furniture, wheel barrows, a generator, an extra truck tailgate, 2 old safes with no combinations, chainsaws, weed whackers, a plow, and 3 doors he brought home from the dump.

It won’t fit in the garage.

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(2 cars, 2 motorcycles, a snowblower, 2 bed frames, a sink, an antique cash register, trash cans so filled with stuff there’s no room for trash, a fax machine, bicycles, paint, tools, shovels and at least 100 empty boxes.

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Because you never know when you might need one.

Or thirty.

There could be a dead body. How would I know? I haven’t seen a wall, or parts of the floor in years.)

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It won’t even fit in the new giant barn.

Husband has filled that with floor to ceiling crap treasure as well.

When he needs to work in there? It looks like this…

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He’s my husband, and he’s a pack rat.

(He also refused to build the ramp I wanted out the front doors and would have no way to drive the tractor up in there anyway.)

So…

When the new toy he ordered comes in?

I have no earthly idea where he’s going to park it.

Men.

You never plan ahead.