Monthly Archives: July 2019

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Important update..

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Because I know you hate to be left hanging.

The old old, my ass! nothing should die in 6 years except reality tv shows. Why are they still alive? fridge.

 

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The new black stainless steel OMG don’t walk near it with anything sharp finish fridge –

 

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The old  no damn it, it wasn’t!   fridge –

 

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The new polish with the grain, who the hell knew stainless steel had a grain? fridge.

 

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Delivery was a logistical nightmare. It wouldn’t fit through our kitchen door, even though it was the exact same size as our old one. The kids who brought it (yes, they were younger than me… that makes them kids) couldn’t figure it out for the life of them and were dismantling it piece by piece in our front yard when (wise old me) suggested they bring it through the (larger) front door.

 

 

With age comes wisdom.

And wrinkles, and bunions, and hot flashes…

 

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But I digress…

Once they wrangled it inside, the kids couldn’t get the water dispenser to work and were frantically searching manuals and calling for assistance when I suggested they turn the water line back on.

 

 

So after 2 1/2 hours dealing with morons we had a brand new fridge.

 

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With fancy graduated lighting for my husband Goldilocks who wasn’t satisfied with anything else….

 

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As well as quick ice and turbo cool.

So worth the extra $700.

 

 

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Anne Taintor still gets me…

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It’s time for another peak into my absolute favorite desk calendar.

And all these months later?

She can still read my mind.

 

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I think that one is self explanatory.

 

 

If you’re not familiar with Anne, she takes those innocent snapshots of the perfect 1950’s housewives and gives them a little twist.

 

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If that isn’t incentive enough to fly…

I don’t know what is.

 

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Yes….

Blue things have occasionally been found growing in the back of my refrigerator.

And we’re not talking Jello.

 

 

While I have often expressed this next sentiment…

 

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If you look very closely…

Happy housewife on the right appears to have been holding something that was digitally removed…. and it seems to have been oblong.

Was it a Twinkie? A hot dog?

Or was this Lorena Bobbit’s  grandmother?

Tough call.

 

 

And finally…

This has always been my philosophy.

 

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Smiling.

It’s so over rated.

 

 

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Things I like today… chapter 4.

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I like…

This road sign we passed on a country lane.

 

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Notice to salesmen – please move along.

 

 

 

I like…

Sitting on my deck reading,

 

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And being quiet enough to have a few visitors drop by.

 

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I like….

This kind of race.

 

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I might get a little winded…

But at least I know I’ll be able to cross the finish line.

 

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I like….

My fruit infuser pitcher.

 

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I know I should drink gallons of water daily, but let’s face it…unless it’s toning down my bourbon?

I’m not really interested.

 

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But chop up some fresh strawberries and let it sit overnight?

Quite tasty.

I’ve tried pineapple. Wonderful!

Mango? Meh.

Watermelon? No flavor at all.

Pear seemed like a good idea….

 

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But it turned brown and slimy in mere hours… so no to pear.

 

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(Don’t worry, it took me a minute to get it as well.)

 

I like…

 

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This picture I took of my flower bed with a triple rainbow shadow.

 

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WWF – Woodchuck division.

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Warning…  woodchuck cuteness ahead.

 

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Yes, I’m afraid so.

 

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The babies are still sleeping on our deck.

 

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As well as still slightly off center when eating.

 

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And yes, momma chucker is still in dire need of support undergarments.

 

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But this is new a feeding position….

 

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And this gives me cause to wonder if woodchucks really do chuck wood.

 

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But the best parts lately are the wars.

Mock battles between the babies.

Serious cuteness!

 

 

 

Funny little scampers.

I could watch them all day…

 

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Oddly enough….

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When I think of lawn ornaments?

Mr. Potato Head is not the first thing that comes to mind.

 

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And while I love a good spud with my steak as much as the next person…

 

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I can’t say I’d want this bigger than life fellow greeting me at my door every night.

 

 

 

Maybe so.

But I’m old enough to remember this creepy vintage playground Potato Head.

 

 

And stand by my statement.

No thank you!

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Calling all hot flashing menopausal women….

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(And partners of these women, male or otherwise…. if they want to earn some brownie points.)

Are hot flashes making you feel like you live on the surface of the sun?

 

 

Forget black cohosh.

 

 

 

Forget soy.

 

I tried both, and they didn’t touch my heat.

 

 

But this?

This works.

 

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A personal, portable tiny air conditioner.

 

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Soak the filter in cold water, then put it in the freezer.

 

 

Fill the reservoir with cold water…

 

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Position it on your desk, coffee table, bedside table… point the lever straight at your face –

And let her rip.

 

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I found mine at Home Depot for $39.99 and I’m happy.

 

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Not as happy as I would be stepping into a sub zero walk in freezer…

But who has room for one of those in the living room?

 

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And they talk about women!

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The hunt for a new refrigerator continues, and just as I had finished extensive research and narrowed the field down to this one…

 

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The husband decided he wanted to go shopping and check them out for himself.

Granted, it’s a large purchase and I wanted him to like what I chose.

But ya know what?

 

 

I took him to the store and showed him my choice, which he walked right by and made a bee line for:

 

 

No.

And again? No.

Aside from the jaw dropping price tag? There’s no way I’m going to buy a refrigerator that tells me I’m out of cucumbers or what to cook for dinner.

Christ, do we really need “smart” appliances?

The day I’m too old and doddering to realize I’m out of cucumbers? I’ll stop cooking altogether.

In case you’re unfamiliar, there’s basically a computer on the door. You can make grocery lists, find recipes with the ingredients it knows are in there, and it will even link with your phone so you can check your expiration dates from remote locations.

Among other useful things….

 

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Geesh.

All I want is cold food and ice.

 

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Great. Scratch the ice.

So we shopped, and shopped, and shopped.

And the husband said that one’s shelves were too small,  that one’s lights were too bright, that one’s drawers were too deep…. etc etc etc.

To which, after grueling 5 hours I said..

“Come on Goldilocks!”

 

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So he picked one.

 

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And though it’s almost exactly the same as the one I’d picked a week earlier?

This one is $700 more.

 

 

So, men?

I don’t want to hear you say your wives are spending all the money.

My husband can out shop the best of ’em.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Have you tried it?

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I did.

And yes, I know.. I know… the Russians own my pictures now. But Mark Zuckerberg’s had them for years, and Google and Amazon probably know my bra size. It’s the world we live in.

FaceApp.

It came out back in 2017, but just recently went viral.

Before everyone realized it was owned by a Russian company, we all  flipped the f*ck out had fun watching ourselves age.

 

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Example:

The normal photo of me.

 

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The FaceApp aging photo of me.

 

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I mean, HOLY HELL!

If that doesn’t make you run for the retinol cream, nothing will.

 

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Personally, I prefer the anti aging, younger version.

 

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Oh, to be that young and sweet again.

(Okay, I was never really sweet per se… but I could do without the bunions.)

 

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Said no man, ever.

But you can see how addicting this app can be…. and why it’s so popular.

Normal me?

 

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Old me.

 

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Ack!!

Young me…

 

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Ha!

Not even old enough to drink.

 

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Christ on a cracker… I’m a crone!

With the big hair and eye liner?  I look like an aging hooker.

 

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There, that’s better.

Quick, get me a Tardis…

I wanna go back!

 

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Why yes.

Yes, it was…

 

For Kathy, a picture of my mom for comparison.

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Oh, Oprah.

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Last week I was doing what I love most in the world,  kicking back with an ice cold margarita while being hand fed tasty morsels by Bradley Cooper,  waiting in an urgent care clinic for my SIL who I agreed to drive there.

** Warning for male readers – this post is going to go south about halfway through. Literally and figuratively. **

Medical facility waiting rooms are my least favorite place in the world. Crowded, obnoxiously loud, human petri dishes. Breeding grounds for the passage of whatever plague is currently circulating. Worried about mad cow disease or the bird flu? Forget the barnyard…. you’ll catch it here. Had I owned a bio hazard suit, I would have worn it proudly. With triple duct tape at the joints.

 

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As I was sitting in an unobtrusive corner trying not to breath, I realized my phone had died and I was at the mercy of the magazine rack. (Not reading is out of the question. Someone might want to start up a conversation and that’s entirely too much close contact when you’re trapped in a disease ridden incubator from Hell.)

As you know, medical waiting room magazine racks are filled with riveting copies of  Breast Feeding Monthly, How to Avoid Herpes newsletters and Let’s Identify that Secretion Digest.

I figured Oprah’s magazine would be the least revolting choice and grabbed her new issue.

 

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Oh, Oprah…

( Now would be a good time to point out that I detest women’s magazines in general. I have never needed to know how to bake a better bundt, why the soles of my feet are making me unhappy or what to do if my husband is cheating on me with my mother. )

And Hell, I didn’t even get past Oprah’s cover before I was rolling my eyes.

 

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While I have a girlfriend whose husband thinks hers has been on vacation since 2006…

I was guessing this article wasn’t about sex and shuddered to think about the tips hidden inside.

 

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I’d rather you didn’t, but thanks all the same.

The teaser didn’t bode well.

 

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And it made me wonder how mine has survived all these summers without the benefit of expert advice.

 

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There…

Now that’s advice you can use.

I refuse to go into detail about the article, but will post a picture of it for anyone who’s interested.

 

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In a nutshell? Treat Her Right.

Remember..

You heard it here first.

 

 

 

 

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Let’s Talk Chicken … Chapter 3.

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If you missed the first two chapters of this riveting chicken series, catch up here:

Let’s talk chicken…

Let’s Talk Chicken… chapter 2.

Onward.

 

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This could be a trick question as chickens often eat ticks, but we’ll proceed anyway.

 

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Let’s start with some interesting chicken facts.

 

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Quick recap – You can’t beat a chicken off the line unless it’s at night… and if it catches you? It will unleash it’s inner T Rex.

My advice?

Don’t race a chicken.

 

 

 

More facts:

 

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Quick recap – There’s no need to buy your chickens deodorant or a birthday cake.

Though wearing the hat can be quite stylish.

 

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A 3 eyed chicken?

 

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I’ve often thought having a third eye on the top of my head would be helpful, though it would be hard to find the right pair of sunglasses…

 

 

Next up –

 

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Okay, whether you’re a chicken fan or not this is fascinating stuff.

They can literally be asleep and awake at the same time. How frickin’ cool is that?

Heck, I could snooze and finish off that 12 part documentary series about Heinrich Schliemann at the same time!  (1)

 

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So there you have it.

Never let it be said my blogs are not educational…

 

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(1)   A few years ago I started watching a PBS documentary series on the search for ancient Troy.

Was it dry? Perhaps a wee bit…

Was it boring? Not to a history buff like me… but the husband fell asleep approximately 7 minutes into each and every episode.

If he was a chicken we could have discussed it later.