Where are Scully and Mulder when you need them?

 

I told you!

I told you there was something weird going on around here, but nooooo. You all just thought I was nuts.

Well, crunch on this pistachio for a moment people:

There is somethingΒ  (or someone!)Β  trying to escape from under my driveway.

 

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You heard me.

It’s in there… and it wants out!

I was mowing the lawn the other day and thought I saw a mushroom.

 

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We’ve had a lot of rain recently and the little bastards are popping up everywhere.

 

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So when I caught sight of this one, I tried to kick it over…. because you know,Β  ick.

 

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But it didn’t move.

Not one single millimeter.

 

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It’s stable, and solid.

And growing..

 

 

Rising up out of the tar like some mutant alien organism.

 

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And that can’t be good.

 

 

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I mean Holy guacamole Batman, look at it!

 

 

It’s beginning to look like…

 

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A brain.

 

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It’s….. evolving.

And I’m scared.

 

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😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

 

More chicken history….

 

(Just because I can.)

In the continuing saga that was our chicken babysitting duty, the coop was on the move in 2011.

Well, technically the coop in the woods was turned into a migrant farm workers cabin.

Before –

 

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During –

 

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Yes, that’s a water heater in a tree.

 

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Isn’t that where you keep yours?

After looked something like this.

 

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So while the new workers were sleeping on top of a few years worth of buried chicken poo…. the new feathered residence was born. Although we were happy not to have to hike through snow, ice and frigid temperatures that next year, we were less than thrilled with the Rube Goldberg like design our neighbor put close to the road and right in our line of sight.

 

 

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Pretty,Β  it wasn’t.

 

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A greenhouse for free ranging and an old horse trailer for roosting….

 

 

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With a box in between for an entrance. Thankfully this incarnation didn’t last long, but it worked for a while.

 

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And we fed the ever expanding flock whenever the farmers were out of town.

 

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The birds didn’t seem to mind the new digs…. and my late mother, who was 88 at the time, always enjoyed visiting the little cluckers. (Please note the double protective head gear. Momma was no fool.)

 

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Required chicken butt photo below.

 

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Because they’re just so….Β  fluffy!

And yes, there’s riveting video as well.

 

 

πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”πŸ”

Just in time for Christmas!

 

Never let it be said I don’t help my friends.

Do you have one of those hard to buy for people on your shopping list?

You know…. that one person you struggle with every year because they already have everything?

Well, I can almost guarantee you they don’t have any of these.

 

 

 

Yes.

Those are gifts made with moose poo.

 

 

Well, Mainers love to recycle.

 

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As well as sell tourists lots of useless crap they don’t need.

 

 

I can’t really answer that.

But if you need a floating moose turd key chain, I can probably hook you up.

 

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You can’t make this stuff up.

No, I’m not kidding.

You’re welcome.

😎

Diet is a four letter word.

 

I used to be one of those blissfully happy women who never worried about their weight.

I’ve never been rail thin mind you, but I was a fit child, a coltish pre teen, a slim teenager and a curves in the right places adult. I wore whatever was in fashion and if I don’t mind saying so…. rocked it.

Then I turned 30 and gained 10 pounds. No biggie, I’m short but I could carry it.

 

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I turned 40 and gained another 10 pounds.Β  Hmm… had to rethink those crop tops and short skirts, but okay.

 

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When I turned 50? Only 5 more pounds… I figured I’d reached my leveling off point.

 

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Then…. after a medical issue made a full abdominal hysterectomy necessary and I was thrown into menopause? I gained another 15 pounds. That put me in the “Hooray! Long loose tops are back in style and where do I find that Jane Russell 18 hour bra?” category.

WTF? My body was in revolt. Food was no longer my friend!

I dieted,Β  I cursed my womanly existence, I exercised,Β I swore like a longshoreman,Β  I drank the equivalent of friggin’ Lake Erie in water every day and nothing happened. I tried low fat, low carb, I gave up every delicious thing I could think of (except alcohol because… well, geesh. I had to have a reason to live.) But still the weight didn’t come off.

To be honest it drove me nearly crazy for 2 years until I said …..

 

 

Life is too short to never eat bread. And cheese. And every other wonderfully fatty high calorie thing I’d been denying myself. (Come to momma cappuccino mousse trifle… I’ve missed you!)Β  If my body wanted to beΒ  round,Β  voluptuous,Β  larger than it was, then who was I to argue.

So I bought bigger pants. Hell, I have bunions and had to buy bigger shoes, so what…. it was another excuse to shop.

 

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Yes, I miss thin. Not everyday mind youΒ  (thank you yoga pants!)Β  but when I have an event like a wedding, or funeral, or horror of horrors… a class reunion where there are people I haven’t seen in 20 years?Β  It drives me to drink.Β  No, I won’t be unrecognizable from my former self, but I’m always conscious of the difference. And women are famous for beating themselves up about that. Men embrace their beer bellies and proudly pat them. Women try and squeeze their muffin tops into torture devices called Spanx.

Oh, well… such is life.Β  It took me a while, but I’ve learned to embrace the larger version of myself. I may not always love her, but I’m healthy and happy…. and in the end, isn’t that much more important than squeezing into a smaller size?

 

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And exercise? Okay, you got me.

It was never my strong suit.

 

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It’s Twilight Zone time….

 

There’s been some weird stuff happening at Casa River lately and I think it needs to be shared….Β  if only to prove I’m not crazy.

 

 

First it was the weird giant watermelon slice that threatened to swallow my husband whole while he was working on the garage.

 

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I know what you’re thinking… a reflection of sunlight.

Okay, maybe.

But then there’s the bird bath.

 

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I dutifully wash and fill it with fresh water every other day.Β  (Hey, did you see the birds on those lines? I’m not taking any chances.)

But lately…

 

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Someone… (or something) …. is peeing in my bird bath.

 

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Okay, it’s a bath. For birds. And when birds hit water? Yes, they poo… that’s a given.

But in the 17 years I’ve been caring for this one, no one has ever peed in it. Now? It’s happening every day.

 

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And if you’re thinking you can explain it with some out of season tree pollen or a sneaky garden gnome with a dye packet…. then take a crack at this one:

Ghost hands.

 

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I’d finished painting the new garage door, and since I always wear as much as whatever I’m painting…. ( I do. I really do. You can look at my work clothes on any given day, pointΒ  and say Porch. Deck. Barn. Shutters etc. It’s pathetic but true. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not grey in my hair after all but leftover paint! Yes. I’m going with that.) …. when I was done I thought I’d take a picture and post something funny on FB.

But every picture I took?

All 10 of them?

 

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Had that eerie ghostly outline.

No other pictures, no moisture on the lens, just my hands.

Explain that!

 

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Oh, stuff it Rod.

No one asked you.

 

A Suc-It update….

 

 

Because you know you want one.

Remember my blog about that product with the delightfully tacky name?

Best or worse? You decide…

 

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Well, it seems the inventor saw it and left a comment –

Erik

Hey so i actually invented the suc -it. It’s a great product for being hands free. Taking selfies is way easier, family photos, gps on a car and the uses go on and on. With the name comes uncharted waters I get it lol. It’s a universal silicone band that is a suction cup. It fits on to pretty much every phone . In the big picture it’s a pop socket on steroids and I apprecIate all the comments . Feedback is huge. Hope you all use one one day it’s really a great accessory

 

  • How fun is that?

    And apparently he feels very strongly about his brain child because…
Erik

We would love to send you one free of charge and have you use it . Would that work ?

Not particularly interested, I replied –
  • rivergirl1211

    rivergirl1211

    Well, if I’ve gone this long without having to Suc-It…. I think I’m good. But thanks for the offer!

Of course he’s a persistent guy…

 

  • Erik

    Erik

    Hey listen I appreciate the hustle you show and I admire everyone’s opinions . Ima bit flattered lol. I still want to send you two free of charge and have you use it and then give even more feedback on how great of a gadget it really is

So I thought…. maybe I really do need to Suc-It.

 

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Okay, so now he’s speaking my language.

And then the inventor emailed me.

 

 

Clearly this guy feels passionately about me Suc-ing It.

And free is free, right?

Heck, if grandma can Suc It….

 

 

 

 

Then I should be able to as well.

So what do you think?

Should I Suc-It?

 

P.S. – For some reason the video of Grandma Suc-ing It doesn’t show up on the reader version of this post. Visit my site page for the full experience.

 

I know you’re out there Alfred….

 

 

I woke up the other morning to an eerie fog covered world.

And an even eerier bird covered telephone line.

 

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They were gathering.

 

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Quietly.

Too quietly.

And I thought,

 

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Did I forget to fill the bird feeders?

Was the bird bath empty?

Were they here for revenge?

 

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And then I saw that one.

There… on the left.

WTH?

 

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It looked like a lobster..Β  and I knew I was doomed.

I couldn’t sedate it, I haven’t smoked weed since 1983!

 

 

So I did what any self respecting Alfred Hitchcock fan would do.

I hid in the house until they dispersed.

 

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And put bird seed on my shopping list because I’m not taking any chances.

 

 

 

And P.S….

Did you know there’s a Bird’s Halloween costume?

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I might just need one of those to go grocery shopping.