Free, to pee.

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I didn’t pee on my garden before I read this, but rest assured I shall be passing it along to my husband who has been known to relieve himself off the barn porch.

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I have never in my life urinated on a lawn and I don’t plan to start now. But men can be very dog like when it comes to marking their territory as evidenced by this photo of a conspicuous patch of dead lawn adjacent to the barn porch.

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Apparently that goes for grass as well.

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Coastal Maine

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After our delightfully boozy lunch at the Boathouse we took a scenic drive along the coast of Kennebunkport.

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It’s a beautiful area…

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Wild and windswept.

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With some seriously gorgeous waterfront homes.

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Needless to say it’s a little out of our tax bracket.

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But with President Bush’s summer home at Walker’s Point for neighbors….

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That’s not the least bit surprising.

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They’re my bumps and I’ll scratch if I want to….

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(Title should be sung to Lesley Gore’s ‘It’s My Party’ melody for full effect)

This is a scraggly flowering plum tree my husband transplanted to our backyard a few years ago.

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It’s hanging on to life but isn’t nearly as full as it used to be…. so when I saw a brown tail moth web in one of the top branches, I carefully gloved up, cut it out and burned it.

If you’ve never heard of these evil little bastards, read on…

The browntail moth caterpillar has tiny poisonous hairs that cause dermatitis similar to poison ivy on sensitive individuals. People may develop dermatitis from direct contact with the caterpillar or indirectly from contact with airborne hairs. The hairs become airborne from either being dislodged from the living or dead caterpillar or they come from cast skins with the caterpillar molts. Most people affected by the hairs develop a localized rash that will last for a few hours up to several days but on some sensitive individuals the rash can be severe and last for several weeks. The rash results from both a chemical reaction to a toxin in the hairs and a physical irritation as the barbed hairs become embedded in the skin. Respiratory distress from inhaling the hairs can be serious.

The browntail moth is an invasive species found only on the coast of Maine and Cape Cod. This moth is an insect of both forest and human health concern.

Browntail moth caterpillar on a tree

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I’ve been covered in their nasty rash multiple times before and trust me it is beyond awful. No amount of Benadryl, cortisone or calamine lotion can relieve the itch. It’s like poison ivy times 50 and makes you want to take a wire brush to your skin. So when I say I was careful? I was careful. Gloves, long sleeves, limited contact and proper destruction.

But still….

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I got a mild dose and am completely miserable.

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Both my arms, stomach and back are speckled with rash because once those little microscopic hairs find you and you take a shower? You’ll gladly take sandpaper to every inch of your flesh.

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News you can’t use.

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Because I prefer news that makes me laugh.

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This would be my husband’s dream come true… and might very well happen to whoever buys our house when I’m a widow.

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Is this a thing? Damn. I’ve been missing out on extra income for decades.

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This photo makes me realize my beloved Boston Red Sox are slackers who’ve just been phoning it in.

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Joseph Yoon can bite me.

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Discovering a hidden gem.

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I love randomly exploring an area we’ve visited often and stumbling on a new place. Last week it was the Boathouse Hotel and Marina in Kennebunkport.

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The perfect location for a leisurely spring afternoon lunch.

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And in true River style I worked my way down the cocktail menu.

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The Watermelon Sugar to start….

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A Walk of Shame with appetizers. Crab cakes for me, lemongrass ginger mussels for the husband.

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White Lemonade Sangria with a chicken Caesar salad for me, sherry baked haddock for my other half. It was a wonderful meal in a pleasant spot made even better by the friendly couple we met at the bar.

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They were visiting from Wisconsin for a college graduation so we happily gave them some local destination suggestions. Turns out they run a pub of their own in Wisconsin with the same town name as one in Maine.

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The Presque Isle Pub. If you’re ever in the area, stop by and tell them the boozy couple from Maine say hello.

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So close!

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Another missed opportunity and this time it was entirely my fault. When walking his Lordship I usually keep a loose finger grip on the leash but the other day I had it looped around my wrist and wouldn’t you know it… that was the exact moment our resident red squirrel b*tch darted right out in front of Lord Dudley Mountcatten.

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He ran to give chase but was jerked back by the leash I couldn’t drop just as he reached for her.

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It was a close call… but damn it, she escaped.

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Up the cedar tree she went… and sat there for a good 20 minutes teasing my boy.

And me for that matter.

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He could have had her.

It was so close….

😫

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Once more unto the bleach…

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I was back at the outdoor bleaching again this weekend, following trails of green algae with my spray bottle and pressure washing attachment.

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Spraying in the corner of the deck left me absolutely soaked and I wouldn’t be surprised if my hair has blonde streaks now. But everything looks fresh and clean again… so mission accomplished.

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While I was at it I cleaned the furniture as well.

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We used to store this set in the barn during the winter but since the man cave conversion it’s been riding out the snow in situ and was in dire need of a cleanse.

P.S. no worms were harmed or relocated during the making of this post.

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Scenic Cape Porpoise

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When your husband is newly retired and it’s a beautiful spring day? You take a drive along the Maine coast just because you can.

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Cape Porpoise is a small village in the town of Kennebunkport on the southern coast.

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It’s quintessentially Maine and therefore ruggedly beautiful.

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No words necessary, just enjoy the ride.

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Is it any wonder we live in this state?

❤️

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Bonk… part 4.

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You know the drill. The following excerpts are from a Mary Roach book about sex. You have been warned…

While Viagra is a relatively new treatment, cures for male impotence have been around for a long time. Two testicles not getting the job done? No problem, just get yourself a third.

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Yes, they really did have an add a testicle procedure, though it was not without its issues.

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Ponder that for a moment.

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Feel free to whip up that cocktail at your next dinner party. Gin, orange juice, grenadine and absinthe. Not sure what that recipe has to do with the family jewels, but I’m sure it will be a hit all the same.

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If that’s not trivia to impress your friends, I don’t know what is.

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Sodomization does seem a trifle extreme for pilfering a tomato, but clearly the Romans took their gardens more seriously than I do.

( If you want a good giggle? Do a Google image search on Priapus. That is one massive cucumber. 😳 )