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I knew this would happen.

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I knew it, but that doesn’t mean I’m pleased.

( Long… and unusual for me… personal rant to follow. )

As I’ve said many times, my husband is not happy in retirement. He doesn’t relax well or easily and has spent most of his 75 years in motion. One of nine children, he grew up poor on a dairy farm… and if that wasn’t enough work? He had his first job at age 12. Child labor laws… pfft! Not in those days.

22 years in the Marine Corps, 10 years with defense contractors and the last 22 with the Federal Government makes for a well earned and comfortable retirement. Everything we own is paid for, we have a nice nest egg and though we don’t live extravagantly…. we basically want for nothing.

The husband was supposed to retire in 2020 but then Covid struck and his entire office started working from home. No hour long commute, full pay and benefits to sit in your bathrobe and take two hour lunches? Sure, why not.

But by the end of 2021 he was tired of the constant politicking, the redundant paperwork, the travel ban, and a new computer system that defied human understanding. He hemmed and hawed, kept asking me what he should do and thought maybe it was time to pull the plug. I knew it would be hard for him but refused to be part of the decision. Leaving the Corps was a big adjustment, but not working at all would be worse. He had to want to retire or it wouldn’t work. I would support him either way.

So after a long deliberation, he retired December 31rst of 2021 and I have to admit, I was pleased. It was time to enjoy life. For an entire year he did what he wanted when he wanted. Unlimited time for yard work and projects, weekly breakfasts with his friends, a standing Sunday pool tournament in the man cave, impromptu trips here and there with no schedule, pressure or deadlines. I knew he missed his co workers and clients but truly thought he’d settled in to a new routine.

I was wrong.

Unbeknownst to me, he’d been in contact with his old boss since the beginning of 2023 and had floated the idea of going back to work. The office is understaffed and overworked so the boss was thrilled. I was not.

When the husband finally told me he was thinking of submitting a package for reinstatement we had a long discussion. And then an argument. I listed all the reasons I was unhappy and they were numerous. I won’t go into all the details but his health was #1 on my list. Though he doesn’t like to admit it, he’s not 20 anymore. Or even 60 for Christ’s sake. He had triple by pass 6 years ago, is pre diabetic, and takes a fistful of medicine. I worry.

And to be perfectly honest? The whole idea of him going back to work hurts my feelings. After all the years of my standing beside him, supporting every decision, allowing his career to take priority, moving when I didn’t want to, canceling vacations, taking care of his family because he wasn’t around…. this was supposed to be OUR time.

So I told him how I felt. I argued, I cried. He listened, and felt badly. But ya know what? He submitted the reinstatement package anyway. And when he did that? We really had it out.. because while I’m trying to understand his reasons? It’s pretty obvious where I stand in his priorities now and that hurts.

Do I doubt his love and commitment to me? No. Never. But apparently he needs work more than I realized. This became glaringly obvious when I overheard a conversation he had with a friend about returning to work. While my husband was having a hard time putting his feelings into words with me? To his friend he said ever since he retired he felt empty. Without purpose. Unfulfilled. Like he’s too old contribute and was being put out to pasture. It’s beyond sad. But it’s part of who he is, and feeling unproductive bothers him. I was hoping a leisurely life together would be enough at this point in his life, but clearly it’s not.

As I write he’s waiting for the official paperwork from the government. His package was approved by his boss, then the New England regional office and finally headquarters… but we’re talking about the government here so things move at a glacial pace. He’s said that if they don’t bring him back at the same grade, pay, vacation and benefits he won’t accept…. so I’m wondering if he’s having second thoughts.

I hope so.

I really do.

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53 thoughts on “I knew this would happen.”

  1. I am sort of like that … but ill health fell on me a tad harder. I went into retirement after six bypasses, and again five years later after another 5. I just wasn’t cut out to be a house husband. Fortunately for me, computers became a challenge to master, so I was able to direct some of my energy to my least favorite addiction. Politics.

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  2. A lot of men are like that. Their whole identity is their job and they become lost without one. I lost count of the number of my suppliers’ reps (all male) who told me I’d never be able to hack early retirement and would be working again in a year. Obviously they were projecting their feelings about retirement onto me. I’m sorry to read this, Rivergirl.

    Deb

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      5. I get that. I think we have 500 books. I am a little worried when my husband said, “we should buy some of your hard back book for family members.” Oooh, will they leave the house?

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  6. I am so sorry. I completely understand your point of view. And you wrote his point of view from such an emotionally mature perspective that I understand it as well. I’m sending you lots of love and care in the hopes that you can find a solution that works for both of you.😘

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  8. I am not a trained therapist, but who cares, so here it is: He did try to tell you, but maybe you were not listening. All those barn projects that you felt unnecessary? Well, they were. To him. It gave him that purpose you just mentioned. I know, because it was what I felt. I too did the two decade military thing, then worked in finance (very stressful) for many years, then we opened our own business. Then I got cancer, had a heart attack, and HAD to retire. So I took up gardening, and building things. It was my way of being useful in a world that did not want my usefulness any more. Right now, he really REALLY needs your support.

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    1. I’ve been so supportive it hurts. For 39 years it was all about his career and his choices, my wants and desires were put on hold. I wanted him to retire in 2017 when he had the triple bypass, but supported his decision to keep working. But when he… not me… finally made the decision to retire? Yes, I expected him to stick to it.
      If not now, when?
      🥴

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      1. I sure can support YOUR position, because your position is out of concern for his well being. I guess being a like clone to your husband in many respects, I just gave you his side. Not my intent, and for that I apologize.

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      2. I understand the need to feel productive, I do. But is the aim to work every single day until you drop dead? He rarely if ever took a day off the whole time he worked, always sold the leave back … only to have Uncle Sam pillage the total. At some point life should be enjoyed… no?

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  9. I took early retirement over 30 years ago, and I haven’t regretted it for one second….but I can understand how your husband feels. Different people have different personalities, even within the same family (one of my two daughters wouldn’t know what to do with herself if she if she retired). As I see it, your hubby is who he is , and you can either accept it or not. If you cannot, you can either live with it or not …:or see (preferably with hubby, if willing) a good marriage counselor.

    I hope things work out for the best.

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  11. I feel your pain River, and I know you aren’t happy about him wanting to return to work either. Not everyone is cut out for retirement, I needed to say that because men like your husband feel the need to keep moving forward. Because if they don’t, the think they’ll just start to fade away. One of my friends who is an retired Marine explained this to me. Some will and can retire happily and enjoy it, others can’t adjust without some structure in their life like when they were in the military. I’m sorry about what your going through, I wish it turned out how you wanted it to. Maybe he is having second thoughts and will surprise you when he turns it down.

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    1. Winter is hard, there’s too much down time. If I could get him to spring… he might change his mind. The longer he waits for word, the less he talks about it. At this point I’m not sure he even knows what he wants.

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  12. He’s being a selfish bastard.
    Or not.

    Keep the lines of communication open and try to reach a compromise that works for both of you ~> e.g., he gets to work 3 days a week for a local antique store turning treasure into cash . . . and you get to go antiquing with him the other days of the week buying trash that he can treasure. 😀

    Just kidding.
    Or not.

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    1. I can’t blame him for being who he is, that’s the man I fell in love with…. but when you live your whole married life thinking a peaceful retirement is at the end, it’s a bit disconcerting to discover he has other ideas.

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  13. Ugh, that’s a tough one. I’m just now writing a post about one of our trips where the husband’s needs and mine didn’t match up and it led to lots of arguments. Of course, it’s not the same thing as your situation or nearly as serious, but I get where you’re coming from. I wish there was something he could do in a volunteer way – Habitat for Humanity or something – that would utilize his skill set and keep him busy and socialized, but that would give him a flexible and completely self-controlled schedule so you two could do all the things YOU want to do without being beholden to his boss and a rigid, paycheck-driven schedule. My fingers are crossed for a good solution for you.

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    1. The thing I kept saying over and over…. which is quite lovely when you think about it…. was, we don’t need the money. We really don’t, so it’s not about a paycheck. And the thought of him risking his health with unneeded stress because he’s a little bored drives me nuts.

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  14. There comes a time that some of us understand it is time to put down the ball and let the youngsters pick it up and play. It is possible to devote those same energies to retiring hard in the same way that all those years one devoted energies to working hard. Life is a series of stages and it is possible to evolve to the retirement stage. I hope for your sake and for his he figures it out, Both of you have earned it.

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      1. Try to be patient. Eventually it just might sink in. In the mean time let it improve the quality of your drinking time. Personally I hate drinking without a reason. And when he does change his mind it will improve the quality of your drinking time again. And it will be a better reason.

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  16. I’m new to the party on the retirement thing. It just seemed to me since I truly hated my job and my wife was ok with hers (as long as she was able to continue to work from home…which she has been), we’d give it a go. Almost ten months in, so far so good. We’re happy going on the current path. I hope you guys soon get to travel a mutually happy path as well.

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  19. Lots to unpack here. Your feelings are incredibly valid, especially considering the unwavering support you have given him during your entire married life. Some men (and women too, I’m sure) just feel adrift without a job to anchor them down. Personally, I can’t even imagine what it will be like to retire myself, as I am prone to boredom if left to my own devices for more than a couple of hours at a stretch. I’d like to think in another 15 years or so, I’ll be much more comfortable settling down, though. The idea of doing nothing certainly sounds appealing.

    Best of luck in figuring out a solution that makes you both happy.

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  20. He just can’t ‘be’. He needs to be ‘doing’.
    I’m sorry that this revelation has hurt your feelings so terribly, as it should. I get it. I’d also wonder WTF I’ve been doing, waiting for YOU to give me your time. But he is who he is; it’s obvious he adores you, but his desire to feel needed and accomplished outside of the house trumps it all. Keep us posted.

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