All posts by Rivergirl

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Things I learned while grocery shopping.

 

I ventured out of my lock down burrow yesterday and went grocery shopping for the first time in 21 days. It was quite a learning experience.

I learned Wal Mart has a bizarrely convoluted maze of barricades at the entrance so you can’t use the same door as those who are exiting. They have staff wiping down carts, cashiers wiping down check out lanes and six foot distancing markers on the floors. The one thing they didn’t have?

A single employee wearing a mask.  To which I say…. WTH?

At my second stop, a grocery chain called Shaws…. I learned there are 2 staff members with clickers and clipboards counting customers at the entrance so no more than 75 people can be in the store at the same time. They have arrows for one way aisles, distancing markers at the checkout and a ban on bringing reusable bags from home. The one thing they didn’t have?

A single employee wearing a mask. To which I say…. WTF?

I got hollered at for putting my groceries on the check out conveyor belt too soon, by a cashier who wouldn’t wear a mask. Smarten up people! Half measures are no measures. We need to get on top of this thing…. my local pub misses me!

Other things I learned?

I don’t look good in a mask.

 

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And there’s still no toilet paper.

 

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Anywhere.

There was plenty of deodorant, but no toothpaste…. because apparently clean minty breath is more important than body odor during pandemics.

You want flour?

 

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Sorry, no can do.

Oh, there are full shelves here and there.

 

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But they’re filled with such things as Tumeric pasta and….

 

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Yeah.

There was no shortage of those.

This item was fully stocked as well.

 

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Clearly I’m not the only one who hates cilantro.

I also learned you can’t wear reading glasses while sporting an N95 mask. Nope. If you do…. those little suckers will fog up like the back of your teenage boyfriend’s Chevy van on prom night.

I came home with something I didn’t want or need simply because I couldn’t read the damn thing.

Yay me.

I also learned that if you’re menopausal and prone to hot flashes? You’re not going to enjoy going out in public for the foreseeable future.

The mask I wore is great, it filters out all the harmful particles… but breathing through it? Not so great.

I overheated to a temperature approaching the surface of the sun within 5 minutes…. then turned a bright feverish red and had to finish shopping quickly before I melted into a puddle in the dairy section.

Think I’m kidding?

 

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Nope.

 

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Not kidding.

I’m not sick, just splotchy. Honest!

 

So, yeah. Apparently this is a thing.

 

I went out to lunch in South Portland a month or so ago and drove by this:

 

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Yes.

You read that correctly.

 

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There’s a place where you can be socially active by throwing an axe.

Though I’m guessing not at each other…. because that would dramatically cut down on the social part.

 

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Think I’m kidding?

I’m not.

There’s even a league.

 

 

 

Which leads me to wonder if there’s another league for suburban axe throwing.

If so, I know a few soccer moms who would excel.

Also unbeknownst to me, there are a slew of videos that can teach you the finer points of the sport.

 

 

So if you’re looking for a new hobby?

Remember…. you saw it here first.

 

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How bored was I yesterday?

 

Tiptoeing around the house quietly while the husband is teleworking is not my forte, so I tried to find something sedentary and silent to do as not to disturb his process.

Yesterday this involved scrolling through a news feed on my phone.

Sick to death  (no pun intended!)  of the current global health crisis, I found myself reading an article called “Jason Bateman deserves to be taken seriously.”

 

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Yes.

This is how far I’ve fallen.

And because I realize there might be a few other desperate house bound tiptoers out there?

Here.

Feel free to melt your brain as well.

I have a question.

 

So if someone could tell me what this is?

That would be great.

 

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Because I was out shopping with a girlfriend a month ago and found something on the ladies clearance rack I can’t explain.

 

 

Let’s ignore the fact it’s butt ugly.

And there’s a random patch of black lace on a sweatshirt.

Let’s also ignore the clashing colors of the plastic gewgaws on the breast.

 

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What. The. Utter. F*ck?

Is there a group of low limbed mutant women roaming my state?

 

 

Or maybe they have 4 arms….. and can’t decide if they want to go sleeveless.

Either way, I can’t begin to fathom how anyone else would be able to wear this monstrosity.

 

Did you know….

 

There’s a school in Reykjavik, Iceland that teaches you how to spot elves?

I did, because….

 

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Yes, you can enroll  here  and start learning all there is to know about trolls, fairies, gnomes and other assorted mythical creatures.

 
Admit it.
You want to go.

Did you know...

The tongues of flamingos were a common delicacy at ancient Rome feasts?

 

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Apparently Nero thought so as well.

 

Did you know.

The word misteltoe derives from the Anglo-Saxon words mistel and tan?

Mistel means dung…. and tan means twig. So the next time you steal a kiss at Christmas? You’ll be doing it under a dung twig.

Can’t get much more romantic than that.

 

 

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Did you know….

The band Steely Dan got it’s name from a William Bourroughs book called Naked Lunch.

Steely Dan III was a strap on dildo.

 

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Which gives an entirely new meaning to this meme.

 

(Yes, all the above statements are true.

Knowledge is a wonderful thing!)