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So much sadness….

51 Comments

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I don’t usually blog about deeply personal things, but the past week has been tough and my heart is too heavy for the usual fluff today.

It started with the death of one of my husband’s coworkers. An unexpected heart attack. He was 52.

The next day we learned an old childhood friend of my husband’s had passed from the cancer he’d been battling for years. Not unexpected, but still sad. He was 71.

We’ve also been helping to care for my husband’s elderly uncle who still lives alone at 91. His mind is strong, but his body is failing and he’s unable to do everyday things. We do his grocery shopping, run his errands and clean his house… and while I know he appreciates the help, he also gets very cranky with the invasion of his personal space. He really needs nursing home care now and though it’s not unexpected… it’s been sad seeing the slow decline of health of a once vibrant man.

But the situation that’s broken me is my SIL. A big hearted, funny, generous to a fault, deeply troubled woman who’s suffered from depression all her life. An unhappy childhood, an abusive marriage, a bitter divorce and a diagnosis of MS in her late 40’s led to a deep slide into alcoholism and opioid addiction. After trying to kill herself in 2010, we took her in and she lived with us for a year. We got her off the booze, the drugs and the cigarettes. We put over 30lbs on her frail frame, got her substance abuse counseling and psychiatric help and shared what she always tells people was the best year of her life. We gave her love and a fresh start and felt good about setting her up in a nice little apartment. But left to her own devices, the last 12 years have been a slow road to self destruction. Isolating herself from friends and family and smoking two packs a day led to COPD and emphysema and a total dependence on oxygen. Somewhere along the line she gave up on life and though we tried to help numerous times, you can’t save someone from themselves. Now… at barely 80 pounds, she’s dying in a hospice facility. We visited her yesterday and the literal husk of the woman we saw there broke both our hearts.

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It is.

But damn, it’s a hard price to pay.

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51 thoughts on “So much sadness….”

  1. I feel for you. My SIL, who lives in South Africa, has just had a stroke and is in intensive care. Fortunately I have my nephew to keep me posted.

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  7. Jeez, Riv, that’s hard. Ol’ Gertrude was right about battalions of troubles. I believe my hottest grief and loss streak was five in 2004/2005. That was hard, but there was a lesson, one I am still trying to learn. No fix offered or intended. You’re a righteous babe and, whatever may trouble you, you’ll work it out. What the Hell, here’s my lesson: Once you work it out, be satisfied with your work.
    I love the QEII quote, it sounds like something she might say. I really love the kindness, generosity and compassion you and your husband have for those who struggle. These Human qualities are becoming more and more rare these days.
    OK, therapy session’s over. Time to find some stupid funny shit and get this train back on the track.😸Otto sez hi.

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  8. I’m so sorry for you and your family. It’s hard to give words of comfort without sounding empty. The “at leasts” and other platitudes don’t genuinely help, no matter how sincere our attempts. All I can say is that I feel you…truly. Sending love, white light, and prayers. There is some comfort in community, and, for one, am thankful you shared.

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  9. My heart hurts for you. Witnessing so much sadness affects our hearts and brains. Seeing your husband’s Uncle deteriorate is hard, it’s a fact of life that we never get used to. Your SIL’s story is terrible, too; you guys tried so hard to help her, but she just could not help herself in the end.
    People dying at a young age never seems fair to me; this is where I hope there is an afterlife and they get a second chance.
    Praying you have some better days ahead.

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  11. I’m so sorry. I empathize and sympathize to all this sadness. I never force my beliefs, and I’m just someone who wants to help others and show love, so I prayed, and will continue to do so. I’m sending all the goodness I can to you and yours.

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  20. Life is not fair,
    And no matter how much I care,
    I can’t explain
    Why loved ones must live in pain.

    My wife is 88 and is going downhill.
    Our two daughters have long been ill —
    One has MS, the other ME,
    Are unmarried, and never pain-free.

    Thank God (if God doth exist)
    I am still able to persist
    And help them with what must be done….
    But I swear, old age and illness are no fun.

    So, hang in there, my friend Rg —
    It could be worse, as you can see.

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  21. The worst part of growing old is most people you know are growing old with you. There are a few bright spots in people who naintain their health and faculties, but they are the exceptions. I’ve already lost 5 brothers, all to different diseases, though so far all 3 of my sisters, all older than me, have managed to survive and are living in their own homes still. But they are not problem-free.
    Grief is a constant part of aging. I don’t know that one ever gets used to it, but with each death of a loved one the sting does seem to lessen. Losing them is inevitable. But if you celebrate their lives rather than their deaths (in most cases) it takes away the sting.
    May peace be with you and yours!
    (Not trying to intrude, but I happen to believe in a sort of reincarnation, not of the person, but of the spirit that inspired their life. For me, death is an open door to another plane of existence, and is a happy time in life. Life is forever!)

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  24. ❤ Huge hugs River – it sounds like you have had wave after wave of sadness recently, and that takes a toll. I have had friends and even one of my relatives in a similar situation to your SIL. It is hard to see someone you care for fading away like that. Make time to rest and spend moments or words with others who mean the world to you. ❤

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  29. Aging – your own, and others – is without a doubt the toughest thing to go through. Just know that you have a community here who will offer a kind voice and words of encouragement, whether you’re sharing news we can’t use, your latest cocktail discoveries, or serious subject matter like this. ❤

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