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News you can’t use.

34 Comments

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Bringing you all the news that’s not fit to print every Monday… just because I can.

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Have we been doing this?

I was unaware.

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I suppose that would be handy if you get the urge to bake Martian bread.

Just knock down a wall.

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This explains so much.

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My first thought on reading this?

You’re an idiot.

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And look. I was right.

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Woodchucks are a type of marmot and we have an entire woodchuck family under our barn.

My sandals are scared.

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34 thoughts on “News you can’t use.”

  2. You should start keeping your sandals under lock and key. As for shaming birds…do they actually…ahem…you know…? We all started as poop? Must be a lot of it! $4000 for a robot dog that you can’t even offer a belly scratch to release office tension? In India, that is enough money to buy an entire dog pound along with the land and several years worth of food.

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  10. Since I have never thought of birds masturbating, and I have a feeling a lot of people haven’t, I do suspect one scientist released a paper shaming them, and a second scientist rose up in anger and made this a thing. The Marmots likely have a store on Amazon.

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  11. The thought of a woodchuck family under the barn plotting a sandal heist is equal parts adorable and concerning! As Dan and Vero suggested in the comments, nailing them down or buying a lockable shoe rack might be the only safe move. Always love these Monday news roundups, Rivergirl!

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  13. Somehow I don’t see a Robot Dog becoming an Emotional Support Pet and seriously wouldn’t want to pet one.
    Also, I have never shamed or witnessed a Bird masturbating.
    As for Marmots, maybe you should just keep your shoes on when around them.
    Lastly, some people don’t believe God created us but they will believe in a Poop Explosion? That explains what they are full of.

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  14. I have never seen a bird do that, but I once had a cat that masturbated every hour it was awake. I took it to a farm and let it go. The farm had barn cats, and hopefully it found a home.
    We also had a long-haired male who was bisexual. As long as there was a place to get his rocks off he used it. We did our best to protect his housemate, we could see he hated being used. Smokey died young, of natural causes. We think he screwed himself to death.

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  15. Once a tom has had a breeding season, probably only even one session, it cannot forget what it experienced. Smoked was a horny little bastard, and not only during making season.
    The cat I farmed out, in actuality he was still a kitten about 3 months old. I wasn’t about to spend my hard-earned cash on a cat I knew I wasn’t going to keep. But he is the only cat I every gave away like that. Him and Smokey were the only toms I ever had such problems with, though I did have one female who tried to spray her hormones even after she her ovaries removed. She would lift her tail, stand on back tippytoes, and wiggle her butt, but nothing came out. She did that every spring.

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