Tag Archives: headlines

News you can’t use.

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The plethora of stupid headlines assures I will never run out of things to share.

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I’m going to pass on ordering one of those, just as I do on the extended car warranties.

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Now there’s an item positively screaming to be hung in the man cave bar.

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I don’t know about you, but I honestly don’t want to know the answer to that.

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*crosses Texas off her vacation destination list*

Who am I kidding? It was never on there in the first place.

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News you can’t use.

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You can’t use it, but it’s news all the same.

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Wait a minute… they’re growing brains in laboratories? Can we please send a few to the nation’s capitol, they seem to have run out.

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Gee, I never saw that coming.

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I can think of a few uses myself. Boat anchor, fire starter, brick mortar, roof sealant… the list is endless.

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Because admit it, you’ve been wondering.

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There. Mystery solved.

You’re welcome.

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News you can’t use.

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After two years of Covid inactivity and a year and a half of dealing with a painful knee injury? No amount of exercise is going to bring my butt back to life. Take it out back and bury it, it’s done.

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Damn. That’s a bonus check I could totally get behind.

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Any guesses what is?

Forget garlic and basil, the answer is fish sauce. Mamma Mia!

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And finally, in this crazy world where everything is out to get you… mercury in tuna fish, lead in drinking water, E. coli on lettuce… I have to admit I never saw this one coming.

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I don’t use one, so I’m safe.

For now….

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News you can’t use, the question edition.

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This week, my headlines were full of questions….. and I’m counting on you to provide some answers.

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I once ate a chocolate covered grasshopper. Unknowingly, because I was a child at my father’s office party and the buffet table that was laden with caviar, oysters and foie gras held absolutely no appeal. I saw chocolate. I ate chocolate. I was immediately sorry and spit the crunchy chocolate into a napkin. When I saw the chocolate had legs? I may have screamed. Needless to say that was the last Wall Street brokerage firm party I ever attended.

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This must be a trick question. It contends that people acquire whiskey and fail to drink it. This does not compute.

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I have to admit I’ve never thought about this….. but damn. I’m hoping my brain dies with me. The thought that I’ll be navigating the afterlife without one while my brain is still here contemplating the mysteries of life (The Yeti… missing link or just Nick Nolte after a particularly rough weekend? Justin Bieber…. they say he’s Canadian, but I’m thinking alien life form. Jimmy Hoffa… is he really dead, or just kicking back in Boca enjoying the early bird special at Golden Corral? ) is quite troubling.

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Tough call, right?

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News you can’t use.

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Family Dollars are popping up all over our state and I can’t stand them. They move into small towns, flood the populace with cheap goods and drive all the quirky independent stores out of business. There’s one in the town next to us and I refuse to shop there.

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Now I have an even better reason. Ick!

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That seems a bit extreme. Even for the south…

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And we need to know this why?

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Damn. I hope he was well paid…

🥴

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News you can’t use.

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The Winter Olympics are over, but some stories are still worth telling.

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Not being born with that particular appendage, I can only imagine what that would feel like. The time I froze the Oscar Meyer wieners by mistake comes to mind, and if so? Ouch!

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I’m happy to report Cluck was adopted. Read about him here.

https://amp.charlotteobserver.com/news/state/north-carolina/article258043433.html

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There are numerous reasons I’m not flying right now. Covid, extended periods of mandatory masking which kick my hot flashes into high gear, and crazy passengers who have to be zip tied during flight… but a stranger’s bare feet on the back of my head? If this is what’s happening now, I may never fly again.

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Of course it will. The way things are going in the world these days, I expected no less.

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Sorry, you’re on your own with this one. I didn’t read the article. My life is fine just the way it is.

News you can’t use.

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Let’s take a peek at the recent headlines on my news feed, shall we?

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Not just no, but Hell no. There’s a long list of things I refuse to do naked and hiking is in the top ten.

Can you say poison ivy?

😳

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Is there a french fry shortage in the United States? Why was I not informed!

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Pay $54.92 to take a selfie on the Iron Throne? You betcha!

Sign me up.

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Viola! the cure for what ails you. To heck with Alexander Fleming, Dr. River prescribes three or four of these….and don’t call me in the morning. Not that you’ll be able to anyway.

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Cheers to your good health!

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