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Life finds a way.

47 Comments

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Since I dumped a rare personal feelings blog about my SIL on you recently, I thought it only proper to offer an update.

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Unbelievably and against all odds, she’s still at the hospice. Relatively alert, and though weak as a new born kitten, starting to regain her appetite.

I can’t stress how remarkable this is. She was literally on her way out. We saw it, the doctors were waiting for it and yet here we are two weeks later and they say she doesn’t require further hospice care and will be moved to a nursing home soon.

I’d say this is good news but sadly it’s not. She wants to die. She keeps telling everyone we should have let her go. She has completely lost the will to live and takes no joy in anything.

We visit 2-3 times a week and tell her we love her. We bring her favorite foods and try to lighten her mood. I send her a photo of better and happier days every morning. We’ve had long, deep, emotionally draining talks, but I’m at my wits end how to help.

Maybe I can’t.

Maybe I should just stop trying.

I hate to say it, but she’s so sad and miserable maybe it would have been better if she had just slipped away.

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47 thoughts on “Life finds a way.”

  1. I’m fairly sure he wasn’t referencing this particular circumstance, but Stephen King once said “Sometimes dead is better” and I believe it.
    When my father died he was tired. Metastatic lung cancer, decades of alcoholism and general disappointment with his life had prepared him for his end. Sadly, there was still suffering to do. He did not cling to life, it was clinging to him. When death finally came to him, it was as a friend. I don’t see what you’re feeling as anything to feel bad about and I say this knowing it’s not going to stop you from beating yourself for your lack of power. I do that, and far too often Nobody exercises that kind of power, so welcome yourself to the human race and cut yourself some slack.

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  2. When death finally came for my Mother, I have no doubt she welcomed it. She was tired of the emotional and physical toll each day involved, and had already made her peace. We were the ones who had to adjust to find our peace, and be satisfied visiting her was all we needed to do.

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  3. It’s been a while so I didn’t know about your sister. I’m so sorry to hear what y’all are going through. A big hug to you! I agree with what Kenny and Bruce said. Not sure any words of wisdom make any of this any easier though. Mona

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  4. I’ve met people who were in this same state, my own maternal grandmother who lived to 93 and really didn’t want to. She didn’t want to continue. In Switzerland there are legal systems in place to assist people who are still of sound mind and you can prepare ahead of time if you want to. It’s difficult to watch as a bystander but I think you’ve done your best to just be there for your SIL.

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  7. Wish I had words of comfort. There is little more that you can do other than be there when she crosses that river alone. It is not a time for rejoicing, we should hate death even when it is welcomed.
    You know the drill … asking that a little wisdom comes you way and you handle this in the best way possible …

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  8. Sometimes as hard as we try, they just don’t see life the same as we do. They have been through so much physical and emotional pain it’s hard to tell if they are hanging on for us or for themselves. My dad was tired, but I know he didn’t want to go when he did. But I guess life had other plans because he left way too soon even at 82 years old.

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  10. She looked at her appointment ledger and realized she has an appointment later in the month, and she did not want to miss it. So all she has to do is keep making appointments. I am pretty sure that would work for me.

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  11. It’s a confusing time for survivors – not wanting to lose the loved one, realizing it’s inevitable, wanting to respect their wishes…
    It must be extremely hard on her, knowing she’s going to die but then coming back for… what? Ongoing suffering?

    I wish all of you the best, whatever that msy be.

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  13. I’m sorry for what she is going through. What a burden for you all to “feel” and know. Thoughts and prayers daily. I have and will keep praying that it ends on her terms. 🙏🏻

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  14. So sorry to hear this. You are in a difficult situation. I don’t know what the law is there but here assisted death is legal and usually approved for people with certain health conditions. It gives people some control over their decision. Many terminally ill people in Canada have taken this route since the law changed. I think I would under certain situations. But everyone is different. I hope she finds peace soon.

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      4. To be honest they really didn’t do anything to prolong her life. She was incoherent and in bad shape when she got there, but somehow she survived.

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  17. I think everyone with a heart comes to the conclusion you have about your loved one slipping away. FWIW, the hospice nurses encouraged me to tell them that it’d be okay if they did slip away, give them permission.

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  18. I love life so much I can’t imagine ever getting to this point myself, but I know a lot of people feel this way. You can’t help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped, sad as that may be. I was hoping the remarkable recovery might lift her spirits, but apparently not.

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  19. My dad rallied toward the end, which they told me was common, but certainly not to the point of leaving hospice. That’s quite a recovery. It’s so unfortunate that life’s end can be so drawn-out and emotionally exhausting for both the person who is dying and their loved ones. I hope she doesn’t linger in figurative purgatory, for everyone’s sake.

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  20. I’ve thought about her and you guys daily, wondering how things were progressing. I’m sorry to know that she is so very unhappy; I can’t imagine feeling that way, it’s gotta be bad.
    I wish I had words of wisdom, but if I were in your shoes, I’d still try to offer some hope and comfort, just for your piece of mind.
    Big hugs.

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