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All the news that’s not fit to print, right here. Just for you.

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They say it’s for safety in case of a crash, but these days I’m thinking it’s to stop them from punching annoying passengers. Lord knows I’ve wanted to a few times.

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If you’re a hermit crab it’s so other crabs don’t steal your home. If you’re human?

No comment.

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This does not bode well.

At all.

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No good can come from this.

😳

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As in cutting a hole in the back of them and… well, yeah.

🥴

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If anyone could push quantum physics to its limit?

It’s a cat.

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I call foul.

If you’ve ever been on top of the snow covered slopes? You’re going to remember to wear pants. Trust me on this.

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Answering the age old question, what do Olympians do when not competing?

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Useless, but rarely boring.

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Good thing no one told Prince.

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I don’t see why not.

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Chlorosis, or the “disease of virgins” (also known as “green sickness”), was a historical, primarily 16th to early 20th-century diagnosis for adolescent girls characterized by paleness, faintness, amenorrhea (suppressed menstruation), and poor appetite. Often attributed to a lack of sexual activity or “retained blood,” it was viewed as a social and medical condition that could supposedly be cured by marriage. 

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Oh, they weren’t kidding.

🥴

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I’m guessing the goat didn’t win that argument.

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And I didn’t even know prosthetic nipples were a thing.

The world is a strange place.

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For Pete’s sake, hurry up.

Our President is in dire need.

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Ah, the life of a wildlife photographer.

So glamorous.

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Clearly there weren’t enough diseases or climate change disasters to study.

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I’m still here, and the news is still useless.

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To cat owners, this is not news.

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I can’t say I’ve ever burped my house, but I’m willing to try.

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If aliens are flying Doritos shaped ships? Surely they can’t be all bad…

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More like a nightmare I’d say.

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I would think a zombie tree would be able to resurrect itself. Geesh, what a slacker.

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People are absolute idiots.

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She’s blonde. Clearly she thought there were lamp posts in the middle of the ocean lighting the way…

🥴

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Starting the week off uselessly.

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Right.

Because that’s what every man looks for in a sex toy… meaningful conversation.

🤣

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Okay, you got a great deal on the room. But how much will the rental car cost…

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The only thing I would learn at this point is that I can’t get back up off the floor.

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And you thought your air guitar was cool.

Pfft.

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Considering I can’t comprehend quantum entanglement, that’s not a stretch.

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Useless, but isn’t everything these days?

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I simply don’t understand this.

I know people love their sushi, but damn.

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Sorry Chicago, I’m crossing you off our bucket list.

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Oh sure.

Nothing will go wrong there.

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Now that’s what I call tv worth watching.

Not.

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If you want the full list you can look up the article, but here’s one that had my eyes rolling.

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I can’t decide whether this is stupid beyond measure, or wonderfully bizarre.

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🤣

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You can’t use it, but read it anyway.

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Damn!

Now I really feel old.

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Yes. Someone stole a huge batch of cooked and picked lobster meat that was headed for Costco.

Talk about your giant lobster roll!

🦞

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Worst. Denial. Ever!

The poor beast, look how embarrassed he is.

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And yes, my husband does every single one of them. Cold calling, long texts, butt dialing, and accidental flashlight.

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As far as I’m concerned, this attack is completely justifiable.

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The first useless news of the new year!

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And I thought my bunions made shoe shopping difficult.

Damn.

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Spiritual funghi.

Who knew?

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I, Robot.

We’re almost there.

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I’m guessing through a haze of marijuana smoke, but I could be wrong.

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It may be a new year, but my useless news is right on track.

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What?

You didn’t think I’d include the list…

🤣

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Ouch!

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Another year, another trove of utterly useless headlines.

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I admit I’m not up to date on trending fetishes, so I had to look this one up.

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Gooning” primarily refers to a prolonged, trance-like masturbation practice involving intense edging (bringing oneself to the edge of orgasm without climaxing) for extended periods, creating a “high” or hypnotic state, often linked to online subcultures.

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Talk about delayed gratification.

Geesh.

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And you thought the loaves and fishes thing was something.

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Religion.

It never fails to surprise me.

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Whaaaat?

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Wow.

There really is one born every minute.

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Apparently not.

🤣

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This seems perfectly appropriate to me.

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“Why ‘slop’? 

“The flood of slop in 2025 included absurd videos, off-kilter advertising images, cheesy propaganda, fake news that looks pretty real, junky AI-written books, ‘workslop’ reports that waste coworkers’ time… and lots of talking cats,” according to the dictionary.

“People found it annoying, and people ate it up.”

Like it or loathe it, they argue, the digital sludge is hard to ignore.

“Slop oozes into everything,” Merriam-Webster said.”

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That sums it up nicely. Digital sludge.

Though I’m sure the talking cats disagree.

And now for my last useless snippet of the year.

I’m going to flip useless on its head and drop something that’s not only useful… but almost mandatory for the state of the world right now.

Something we can all use.

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Am I right?

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You can’t use it, but you can laugh along with me reading it.

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Whaaaat?

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I will never look at a penguin the same way again.

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But…

But, they always seemed so sweet.

😳

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Proof positive it’s always the last place you look.

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I figured it would be kale and was ready to rant, but oddly enough it turns out to be watercress. Does anyone even eat that anymore?

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I’ve never understood why people use online password managers … which can be hacked…to store their passwords. My password manager can’t be hacked as it’s a little black book with entries written by hand that I keep in my desk.

Heck, my husband doesn’t even know where it is.

That’s security.

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Perhaps.

But your perspective… or hers?

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At all.

Ever.

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I don’t think the low brain activity of a Kardashian even qualifies as news.

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I didn’t think that was possible.

Though I swear I’ve come close a few times myself.

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Can’t say I’d recommend that DIY.

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Say it isn’t so Teddy.

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Toys have certainly changed since I was a child.

😳

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I call foul.

The boxes and labels? Sure. But what’s inside the bottle… no.

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The thought of being “nudified” and spread across the internet?

Terrifying.

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