Tag Archives: technology

News you can’t use… the science edition.

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Bill Nye has nothing on me.

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Sure, a space wall to block the sun. It worked well for Hadrian.

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Now there’s a story to keep you up at night.

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Trump. Global plague. High heel Crocs. An alternate timeline makes perfect sense!

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Bionic robo-fish. Wonder what kind of bait you need to catch those?

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Terminator.

I, Robot.

Ex Machina.

Have these technies learned nothing from Hollywood!

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Only when he absolutely has to.

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I like new tech. My husband? Not so much. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that my husband uses his cell phone as … don’t faint… an actual phone. You know, to speak with people like we did in the old days before texting was invented and we didn’t have to.

His phone was old. Moldy green cheese old. It was an iPhone 4 he bought in 2010… we’re talking the tech equivalent of a dinosaur fossil. It didn’t matter that it couldn’t be updated, that the battery had to be charged every few hours, that the home button stuck more often than not or that the display was blurry and dark. He liked it because he was used to it and fears new technology in general. No matter how many times times I encouraged him to trade it, he refused.

Until last week when we got a letter from Verizon Wireless saying they’ll be switching to a 5G network on December 31rst and my husband’s beloved antiquated phone will cease to exist. Kaput. Dead. Bye bye. Needless to say the other half wasn’t pleased and railed against the injustice of obsolete tech for hours on end.

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Cool typewriter aside, Verizon was doing just that, so I dragged my sputtering husband to the Verizon store the next day to upgrade his phone before the rush caused a stock shortage. And believe me, he sputtered. He sputtered on the drive there, he sputtered to the other customers, he sputtered to the sales associate, he sputtered to the check out girl and he sputtered on the drive home. Why he was sputtering when we managed to snag a great deal I’m sure I don’t know. The man just likes to sputter.

His old iPhone was worth exactly nothing, but they gave him a $700 credit, with which he bought the new iPhone 13 …. price tag $800. $100 for a new phone? Sweet! And because the deal was so good? I traded in my XR on the 13 Pro Max and only paid $200 for a $1,300 phone. Even sweeter! And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better? I learned our bill will be $24 less a month.

Score!

Does the husband like his new phone? After an hour of very patient instruction from yours truly, he wouldn’t give me the satisfaction… but I think he loves it. And I hope that’s true, because Lord knows he’ll probably keep it until 2034.

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Autocorrect can bit me.

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Why is it that technology designed to make our life easier always turns out to be a right royal pain in the as?

Yes, I typed ass… but autocorrect switched it to as. In addition to being annoying, my autocorrect is also a potty mouth censor. And fur the duration of this pist, I will be leaving the changes it makes to prove my point.

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That helps somewhat. To be honest, it’s the only reasonable explanation why every single time I type “for” it comes up fur.

And “post” is changed to pist. (Pist. That isn’t even a word! Which it damn well knows because every time it makes the switch the word comes up underlined. WTH?)

“Doesn’t” ? That’s changed to Durant. (Who is Durant? And why dues he keep wanting to appear in my pists?)

Dues! Geesh, that’s a brand new one. Clearly I have angered the autocorrect Gods.

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Yes, I know I can turn off the option in settings. But there’s a twisted part of me that’s stubborn enough to want to win the battle. If I disregard the changes often enough maybe, just maybe…that little drunken elf will sober up.

Too much to hope fur?

Probably. But hope springs external.

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It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a waste of taxpayer’s money….

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You might well ask what it is ….

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Because it’s an odd looking duck to say the least.

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Heading out on its maiden voyage from Bath Iron Works recently, the new Zumwalt class of Naval Destroyer chugged down the Kennebeck River two years over due and massively over budget.

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And while that’s nothing new for the department of defense, the fact that this multi billion dollar redesign was such a complete disaster the program had to be scrapped is.

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I don’t begin to understand the massive technological advances this ship claimed to possess, but I do know people who’ve worked on her and they are not impressed.

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I’m no expert, but a neutered destroyer doesn’t sound like a good thing.

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Stupid products.

 

They’re everywhere.

 

 

 

Call me crazy, but I doubt this chicka is beating the men off with a stick.

 

Do I need to feel like Judy Jetson when I dispose of that slightly blue, mold covered cucumber that got pushed to the back of the crisper drawer?

No.

I do not.

 

 

Again with the space age crap. If I don’t know what year it is when I wake up?

I need to stop drinking, not buy a new clock.

 

 

Oh, yeah. These are sexy.

Perhaps she can double date with that hot Trekkie at the top.

 

 

Zero gravity?

I’m pretty sure if I ever find myself there, writing a grocery list or a thank you note won’t be my top priority.

 

 

And while I don’t need a dehydration light to flash in my water bottle…. this product might have adult beverage applications.

“Drink! You’re starting to sober up!”

Okay.

I’d buy that.

I knew that Flounder was watching me.

 

You just can’t make this stuff up.

 

Beware the Haddock.

 

If you know anything about DARPA, you’ll know that creating a James Bond mackerel is one of their least crazy ideas.

Recruiting fish and shrimp as espionage agents?

Why not. They’ve launched a brain computer interface and are engineering buildings that would grow and repair themselves.

After that, a Jason Bourne eel is child’s play.

 

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Product Hell.

 

Have you ever walked through a store and spotted products that make you do a double take?

I do it quite often and always stop to take pictures to rant/blog/post about later.

Here are a few of my latest finds:

 

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Pickle In A Pouch.

Unrefrigerated and languishing for God knows how long by the cash register?

That’s just wrong.

 

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But Big Papa anthropomorphized Pickle…

The Portly Pickle who’s arms are open wide and ready to wrap you in his pickley goodness??

So very, very wrong.

 

 

Then… there was this:

 

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A remote control Tom Brady helicopter.

Maybe Bill Belichick will use these to spy on opposing teams from now on,  who knows.

But I have to admit…

 

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I think they got Tom’s shade of lipstick just right.

 

 

And finally, there was this wireless keyboard and mouse I ordered from Amazon for the husband.

 

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Which looked great until we opened it and found it didn’t include a dongle. I went back to the Amazon listing and it said “Just plug and play”, so where the hell was it?

Let’s check the instructions.

 

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“Keybord”?

 

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Yeah.

Shame my Japanese is a little rusty.

 

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P.S.   The dongle?

Hidden in a compartment on the back of the mouse.

It’s always the last place you look.

 

 

 

Instructions on how to spend a very depressing day.

 

Step 1.   Hire an appliance repairman to diagnose why your ice maker died and the fridge isn’t cooling properly.

Step 2.   Pay said repairman $95 to walk through the door.

 

 

Step 3.  Cry a little when repairman tells you your  expensive AF   six year old refrigerator will be requiring burial rites in the very near future.

 

 

6 years old!

Too young to die… or so I thought.

According to the repairman, 6-8 years is now the average lifespan of new appliances.

 

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This makes me regret getting rid of the 1970’s almond Montgomery Ward fridge that came with our house when we moved in.

Ugly? Yes.

Fancy features? No.

But the damn thing still worked….. and now I miss it.

6 years.

 

 

For the love of God… she’s still shiny!

 

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She still looks new!

But apparently she’s rotten at the core.

 

 

Step 4.  Grab a girlfriend for consolation and proceed to the appliance stores to search for a suitable replacement.

Have you been to the appliance stores lately?

Even the clearance prices will make you faint.

 

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Mind you, that particular one had been returned, refurbished and was riddled with dents.

There’s lots to choose from, if you want to pay.

And pay. And pay…

 

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There are fancy French Door models.

Models with ridiculous features…

 

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And for the prices they’re charging?

I hope that one cooks, serves and cleans up the kitchen after marinating my meat.

 

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Herb storage?

 

 

One model even had a built in one of these –

 

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Yes.

An infuser pitcher, fitted right into the door. I paid $3.99 for mine… what do you want to bet this baby adds an extra $200 to the purchase price?

Step 5.  Go from store to store, avoiding salesmen and their high pressure “Oh, that sale ends today, better buy now!”  B.S….. never quite finding that perfect fridge that will fit in your crazy kitchen. ( We had to remove half a wall to fit my current one in. )

Step 6.  Have long booze filled lunch with girlfriend and curse refrigerator manufacturers.

 

 

Step 7.  Return home to melting ice and lukewarm milk.

Step 8.  Repeat steps 4 through 7 until replacement is found.