Tag Archives: shopping

Must have products I must not have.

 

Here’s another selection of must have products… this time with a twist.

These are all things guaranteed to reduce your stress level.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but having a nail polish cocktail ring is only going to increase my stress.

The first time my nose itches? That Moonlight Madness Maroon will be Jackson Pollock-ing the living room wall.

 

 

 

Really?

I’ve got news for you, if I’m going to recline in a hammock it better be large enough for my whole body….. and a pitcher of margaritas.

 

 

I don’t know about you, but if I’m stressed?

The last thing I’m worrying about is mopping up that martini I spilled on the floor.

 

 

 

Yeah.

Because a disembodied hand is soooo relaxing.

*Cue the Pointer Sisters*

 

I’m so excited!

We had multiple contractors come over and give us estimates on our exterior barn project… (Staining, trimming, soffiting) and after I picked my jaw up off the ground and cursed the fact we didn’t have any children to sell… we chose a locally owned and operated company.

We’re on their schedule, but I don’t know when they’ll start.

 

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I’m sorry, that was a cruel tease…. and a shameless attempt to lure aged disco fans to my blog.  Please feel free to play Neutron Dance and curse me at your leisure.

Not trusting anyone else to pick out the trim boards, the husband dragged me to a lumber yard…

 

 

Where he closely examined and rejected dozens of 16 footers in the premium grade.

* Note to lumberyard workers – if you see my husband coming? Run. *

He refused so many, I swear the kid who was helping us starting sprouting grey hair.

After the first hour he delicately suggested we upgrade to the finish grade.

Which we did.

 

 

But…. silly boy, did he really think that would make a difference?

It shouldn’t surprise you to learn we were there the entire afternoon. And just when we were ready to leave?

The husband met a fellow Marine.

Another hour later… we left.

It’s amazing how exhausting it is standing around doing nothing. So much so, after we unloaded the truck…

 

 

Does that look like $450 worth of wood to you?

 

 

We fired up the grill….

 

 

And poured the adult beverages.

Dinner that night?

 

 

Lamb chops.

Life is good!

Pandemic humor.

 

Because laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

 

 

You knew it had to happen.

Pumpkin spice is everywhere….

 

 

Yay!

Though I’m ashamed to admit I’m old enough to remember those.

 

 

All things considered?

Not bad Jen.

 

 

At this point, falling through a giant hole in the ground would be preferable to grocery shopping.

 

 

She really is.

Momma needs a cocktail. Don’t judge.

 

 

Single guys?

Please let me know how these work.

 

 

I hope so…

But it’s not looking good.

CSA and grocery store chuckles.

 

The summer bounty continues.

 

 

And if you’ve never tried fresh lemon basil?

Please do. It’s wonderful.

 

 

Vegan bratwurst?  Oh, the horror!

Kindly keep your kale out of my artery clogging sausage. If this shows up at the next beer festival I attend….. there will be blood in the streets.

 

 

My only question here is… why?

And for something on the opposite end of the spectrum…..

 

 

Which also makes me ask… why?

 

 

Heritage popcorn?

Proof positive yuppies will buy anything that’s ridiculously overpriced.

 

 

Is it any surprise this was the only bottle left? I think not.

And finally, the real shock of the day.

 

 

Toilet paper is back… and brand names at that!

So if you heard them broadcast a code for ‘crazy lady doing happy dance on aisle 13’?

Pay no attention, the unadulterated joy of not wiping my butt with sandpaper just got away from me for a moment.

1980’s Hell.

 

Another weekend in the big barn insulation/ceiling project commenced, but this time reinforcements were needed on day 1.

 

 

Because in as little as an hour? We proved that I can’t reliably hold plywood panels over my head long enough for my husband to figure out where to screw them.

Go figure.

 

 

So with the help of  a friend, insulation was stuffed, plywood was screwed and the part that gives me hives took place.

 

 

The husband…. playing with live electrical wires.

This is not a good combination and doesn’t always end well… but no one was electrocuted, so we call that a win.

 

 

The  bane of my current existence  pool table was moved to it’s new home spot.

 

 

And after a little trial and error, no toes were broken.

 

 

Also a win.

 

 

As soon as it was set up?

 

 

It was covered with plywood and a very rugged protector…. because no man cave should be without a touch of lace.

The next day we were off to Lowes for a tad more insulation.

 

 

Ka-ching!

 

 

We dragged it inside, and then all the crap that started here….

 

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That was then moved over here….

 

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Had to be moved upstairs.

 

 

Ask me again how much I’m loving this free pool table.

Go ahead, I dare you.

Once the  temporarily mounted my ass  stereo was uncovered, the husband found part of my old collection of 1980’s cassette tapes.

 

 

And while I stand by my CSN, Queen, Clapton, Dire Straits and Grateful Dead picks….. the 2020 River cringed at the sight of Madonna, Richard Marx and the Bangles.

UB40.

WTH?

And if that wasn’t bad enough..

He also found a box of albums he bought sight unseen at a yard sale years ago…. which meant this was blasting from his recently mounted speakers:

 

 

All Night Long?

No.

Preferably not even for 5 minutes.

 

What is it with men and old westerns?

 

They say there’s a little boy in every man….. and if that’s true?

Mine is playing cowboys and Indians.

Left to his own devices, my husband could easily watch the western channel 24 hours a day.  I know…. because True Grit, Fort Apache and Rio Bravo have been the background soundtrack to my life for the past 36 years.

He likes westerns, ergo he likes John Wayne.

Not as a real person, he neither knows nor cares who that was….. but rather as an idealized portrait of what a real man is supposed to be. At least on screen.

So when we went to Lowes the other day and were standing on the check out line? You know he had to grab this:

 

 

“Manly meals”.

I’m sure you can hear my eyes rolling from there.

 

 

Who knew my husband wanted to be a cookout legend?

The man who has never read a recipe in his life, but had to buy this book. And may I just say?

I was not impressed.

 

 

 

That is the saddest excuse for steak I’ve ever seen. And with pesto made from cilantro as an accompaniment? The Duke and his horse should be run out of town with their heads hanging down in shame.

 

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Now correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Texas do everything up big?

If so, these are misnamed…. because those are the skimpiest, most pathetic tacos to ever grace a shell.

And I’m from Maine.

We fill our tacos with haddock and lobster… what do we know?

I’ll spare you the Gun Smokey Barbecue Chicken and the Ringo Kid’s Skirt Steak, but suffice it to say I doubt any of Wayne’s dishes will ever make it to our table.

And now, because this is my blog and you know I can’t help myself…. here’s one final picture of the quintessential manly man.

You can thank me later.

 

john-waynes-camel-toe

 

 

 

 

Products that make my eyes roll.

 

Maybe it’s just me, but when I see a list of “must have” products?

It’s a guarantee I mustn’t.

 

 

Do I need a magnetized bin to save my lint?

I most decidedly do not.

Does anyone?

With my luck I’d save lint and the red squirrels would steal it to make their nests more comfortable.

 

 

So basically this is a tarp with a square frame and handles. It costs $30 and you still have to pay someone to haul it away. Makes me glad I live in the country where we can just load up our truck and drive to the dump.

 

 

Is this a joke?

No one wants to time warp back to 80’s hair.

 

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Just, no.

 

 

 

Eco friendly bamboo? Fine.

 

But charcoal bristles treated with carbon?

 

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This is not a look I care to embrace.

And finally….

 

 

Sorry, but I’m thinking my inner mermaid is better left unrevealed.

They’re not worthy.

 

Not worthy of a blog of their own, but random interesting stuff all the same.

(And by interesting, you know I mean not at all interesting… just random information you didn’t want nor need but I feel compelled to share anyway)

 

 

I read a lot…. and before now have never thought of myself as any of these.

But from now on?

I’m an ink drinker all the way.

 

 

Yes, I bought myself a frying pan that’s reinforced by diamonds.

Because my fried chicken deserves the very best.

 

 

My rose is blooming like a lolly pop.

 

 

Is this earth shattering news you can use?

No.

But nothing I say ever is.

 

 

This claims to be the perfect Cosmopolitan recipe.

I shall research it extensively and report back.

 

 

Sadly, we had to shop for 2 headstones for recently passed members of my husband’s family.

After we picked the size of the stone, and the color of the granite….this was what we were given. Sheets of paper with literally thousands of designs that were printed so small, even reading glasses and a magnifying glass barely helped us make them out.

I believe the husband chose a lighthouse for one…. but it could as easily have been a beer keg.

Time will tell.

 

 

Danger Will Robinson!

If you’ve never experienced a browntail moth rash you haven’t lived a full life. Imagine mixing poison ivy with fire ants and chicken pox…. and you might come close.

These little bastards have moved into Maine and are stripping our trees bare. And if you happen to brush up against one of them? Hang on, because you’ll attempt to rip the skin off your bones within 12 hours. Nothing stops the itch except a spray that comes in a one ounce bottle sold by one hospital in the state for $65 per. Insurance won’t cover it and you need a doctor’s prescription to purchase it.

I get the rash at least 3 times a year.

Good times.

And finally, if you’ve been wondering what people are doing to keep busy during the pandemic… or how they’re spending their stimulus money?

Wonder no longer.

 

Products no one needs.

 

I know we’ve all become lazy housebound sods who can’t be bothered to put on pants during the pandemic, but this?

 

 

This is a bridge too far.

The day I’m too lazy to stir my own pan you have permission to slit my throat, fill it with kale and put me out of my misery.

And while I’m all for cocktails?

 

 

 

I have absolutely no intention of sharing my margaritas with llamas.

Nope.

Not happening.

 

 

 

Oh, yeah.

Kitty Hitler looks positively thrilled.

 

 

 

Let’s ponder this for a moment.

Someone thought about, invented, pitched, found investment capital and marketed….. a hammock for fish.

Is this a great country or what!

And finally…. when your dog no longer needs his collar of shame?

 

 

Viola!

You can re-purpose it in the kitchen.

You’re welcome.

I love my town!

 

Where else can you go shopping and be greeted by a chicken?

 

 

Although what this poor devil did to be locked up in a rubber prison I don’t know.

 

 

Where else can you go to find a library that sets up a walking story time for kids?

 

 

Where else can you get alerts about runaway goats?

 

 

And offers of free hay?

 

 

The same place that airs their poopy grievances on Facebook, that’s where.

 

 

I love my town!!