Tag Archives: gift giving

Have you ever gotten one of those gifts?

 

You know the ones I mean.

The  “Oh holy crap, did someone really just give me that?”  variety.

When I was a teenager I had an aunt who ran a department at Time/Life. She attended numerous publishing conventions and thought it was great fun to collect the freebies off the exhibitors tables and then wrap them up as gifts. Over the years I received Exxon pencil sets, IBM keychains, and Dow Chemical clipboards. I got Sheraton note paper and Hilton shampoo. I even unwrapped Army camouflage toilet paper for my birthday one year.

Good times.

 

 

But every once in a while, she would actually purchase something. Not a hardship, considering the woman had a blue chip stock portfolio as long as my arm.

When I was 15, she must have gone to a thrift store….because she came home and gifted me with a slightly used  “pretty blue and white porcelain thing.”

That’s what she called it, The Thing….. not knowing what it really was. When she apologized for the strong smell and told me I should probably wash it?

I realized it was a bong.

 

 

Okay, so she nailed it that time.

Me and The Thing had many happy years together.

But by far the most interesting and ludicrous gift she ever gave me was this book I found when cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago.

 

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She majored in English Lit at Smith and probably thought a collection of light hearted verse would be nice.

 

 

But sadly…

Attention to detail was not her strong suit.

As witnessed by the table of contents.

 

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Yeah.

When you have a chapter on buggery?

They’re not your mother’s limericks.

 

 

I’m not a prude, but wow.

Some of those rhymes make even me blush.

And as much as I’d like to share the truly colorful ones with you, I don’t want to get WordPress blacklisted.

So here’s a small sampling of the mildest instead.

 

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The moral of the story?

If you’re buying a book as a gift,  it’s probably a good idea to scan a few of the pages for content first.

That being said, if you’re ever in need of a filthy limerick…

I’m your girl.

 

 

See?

There’s a way to sneak Game of Thrones into everything.

Birthday presents no one gets excited about.

 

We recently celebrated my husband’s birthday.

And as I posted earlier, among other things….

I gave him a rock.

Because I’m that kind of wife.

We celebrated at a friend’s house, and naturally he was speechless.

 

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Okay, at first he didn’t know what the hell it was.

But that’s not always a bad thing. And he could honestly say no one had ever given him a rock before… so that should count for something.

 

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But if you thought that was odd?

Witness the gift our friends gave him.

 

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At first it was a box filled with the weirdest packing peanuts I’d ever seen.

 

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Then it was a little box that said..

 

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And then…

 

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And…

 

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Are you noticing the trend?

 

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This went on forever.

 

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And while I’m sure it was funnier with the 3 margaritas I’d had, even sober ….you have to applaud the effort.

Finally he reached the end.

 

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And I thought, oh yeah.

This is going to be good.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

 

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Huh?

 

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Turns out it was a war nickel which had popped up while my husband was playing poker with the guys a while back. Husband is a coin collector, and had explained what it was to the group.

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So….

Yeah.

They gave him a nickel.

And I gave him a rock.

Do we know how to make a birthday boy happy or what?

 

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Do you have any of those friends?

You know the ones….

They love toilet humor and inappropriate bodily function noises?

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The husband has one he grew up with, and every Christmas he’s the recipient of our vulgar gag gift of the year.

2018 brought a two-fer, purchased at our local Hallmark store. Apparently they don’t just sell sappy cards anymore.

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Gross. And vulgar…. I agree.

But the tradition must be upheld.

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I often wonder what he does with these ridiculous gifts…

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( Is there a #2 After Genital Contact Hand Sanitizer? One that doesn’t quite kill all the germs? I shudder at the thought. )

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Really?

Now that’s got me curious….

What do you suppose they think innocence smells like?

Oh, you really shouldn’t have.

 

Really.

I think I’ve mentioned that the husband and I have dramatically scaled back our Christmas celebrations over the past few years. It used to be all about presents and parties and consumption on a massive scale. Stress about gift giving, stress about cooking dinners for people who never appreciated it, stress about getting it all done in time so everyone would have a wonderful time.

Except us.

And mainly me… who did all the work.

So the last 4 years? We’ve traveled. No decorations, very little gift giving (none between us) and no hosting parties that just gave the family another excuse to fight.

It was great!

This year since we’re going to Arizona in January, we’re staying home. I did a little decorating, a little baking and a little gift giving… though still none between us. Which was fine… until my husband gave me a present I really didn’t want.

It wasn’t jewelry….

Though I think I could totally rock a tiara.

 

 

It wasn’t a new car with a big red bow….

 

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(Does anyone really do that? The only new car I ever received as a gift was a Matchbox. I was 8…. and I think it’s time to try again.)

No, my thoughtful husband gave me a gift I never expected.

 

 

The horrible cold I’ve been nursing him through all week. Splitting sinus headache, sore throat, congestion… I’ve got it all.

Which is odd because I’m usually like this –

 

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And never catch anything.

Never say never.

So while all of you are enjoying your holiday celebrations, I’ll be hacking up half a lung and hoping Santa gets his fat butt stuck coming down our chimney.

How’s that for festive?