Tag Archives: humor

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Can you hear my husband groaning from there?

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The search has begun.

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Yes, we’re finally breaking down and shopping to replace our…. are you ready for a shock?…. 39 year old mattress.

We bought a seriously high end Stearns and Foster mattress in … gulp! … 1986 and it has served us faithfully for a very long time. We’ve flipped and rotated for decades but it’s finally gasped its last breath and needs to go.

Have you shopped for mattresses lately?

It’s a whole new world.

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Aireloom… handmade, beloved by Ronald Reagan who put them in all White House bedrooms, and firm enough to make me happy.

The prices however, did not.

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Stearns and Foster firm? My second choice but about the same price.

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Serta firm? Not firm enough and I was beginning to feel like Goldilocks. Please note the husband’s thrilled expression that we were making the rounds of furniture stores again.

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And speaking of furniture, if we’re replacing the mattress…

Perhaps it’s time to replace the 39 year old bedroom set as well. Problem is our old set is solid mahogany and, well… solid. Today’s bedrooms? Not so much.

Unless you buy Amish.

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If they can hold a horse…

(PS… that bureau wasn’t $750, just the mirror which is sold separately)

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What’s that strange pillow on the sectional couch we walked by?

A pet bed of course.

🤣

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After a full day of shopping with no decisions made, my husband was ready for alcohol… and to be honest so was I. Lying down on mattresses that cost $6,000 plus will do that to a girl.

Spiced pear margarita and calamari to start.

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Grilled chicken harvest salad with goat cheese, apples and butternut squash for the husband.

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Haddock sandwich and seasoned fries washed down by a cranberry Paloma for me.

The search continues..

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Newport – Day 3…. more of that little summer cottage.

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Continuing our tour of the Breakers…

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We constantly had to remind ourselves to look up.

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Because no matter how beautiful the rooms were, the ceilings were equally lovely.

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Even small alcoves used to play cards…

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Had intricate overhead embellishment.

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The last room on the first floor tour of the “cottage” was the library.

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Yes, there were a few bookcases beside the 16th century French fireplace and chimney brought from the Chateau d’Arnay Le Duc …

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But even here it was more about seeing and being seen than actual reading.

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Up the back staircase…

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Was a balcony that ran around the entire top floor offering a view of the great hall below.

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Red seemed to be a popular color for bedrooms.

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And though the upstairs wasn’t quite as ornate as the down..

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It was still wall to wall marble.

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With decorative touches.

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Sore butt station.

Got it.

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Personally, this wallpaper gave me hives.

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But Gertrude seemed to like it.

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She might have been a cute child…

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But looked to be a battle ax in her later years.

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A photo outside the house during her wedding.

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This simpler green guest room was more soothing.

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And it had a lovely view.

Here’s my husband taking a picture…

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Of hangers.

He collects old wooden hangers you know.

🥴

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One more glimpse of the grand staircase from on high…

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And we moved on.

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He’s helping.

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My husband has been knee deep into his coin collection of late. Sorting, researching, pricing and organizing.

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Which means Lord Dudley Mountcatten for the assist.

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No matter how many times he’s politely relocated to another room?

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He finds his way back.

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And helps, in true cat fashion.

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It’s the price you pay for being his favorite person.

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❤️

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Newport – Day 3…. in which we see how the other half lives.

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Newport, Rhode Island is famous for many things but no visit to the area is complete without touring the “cottages”.

And by cottages, I mean American castles.

Built by the fabulously wealthy of the Gilded Age they line the waterfront of Bellevue Avenue and are a testament to what life without property and income tax provided the robber barons of their day.

Grandest of the grand is The Breakers.

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Built by premier architect Richard Morris Hunt in 1893 for Cornelius Vanderbilt, it has 70 rooms and a total of 138,300 interior square feet.

Occupied for a short summer season of 6-8 weeks, the Newport “cottages” were the epitome of excess and a symbol of financial power in an era where the haves had a lot, and the have nots were laboring hard to keep them rich.

In true WTH? husband fashion, my spouse directed me to take a picture of the gutter at the front entrance.

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Walking through the colossal front doors, you enter the Great Hall.

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The largest room in the house….

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It’s 50 feet long by 50 feet high. And even though we’d just started our self guided tour, my husband found people to talk to.

Sigh.

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Vanderbilt children slid down these stairs on solid silver trays.

As one does.

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Under the stairs?

A fountain.

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Next door was the formal dining room, which was impressive enough for even my husband to break out his camera.

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It’s hard to imagine sitting down for your morning bowl of frosted flakes on Louis XV furniture, but to each their own.

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12 rose colored columns of solid alabaster draw your eye up to the beyond ornate detailing.

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And bracket what I’m assuming is the largest salad bowl ever.

Here’s a quick video for scale.

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I have to admit the Vanderbilt pool table is a little bigger than ours.

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And their hand cut marble mosaic walls and ceilings are a trifle more colorful than our man cave walls.

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Saying ooh and ahh is trite…

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But as you stroll through this place you simply can’t help yourself.

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Take the music room for example….

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Gold and silver leaf, crystal chandeliers, silk draperies. The walls, ceiling, floor and furniture were all built in France and imported to Newport for installation.

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The morning room.

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Just a comfy little nook for your first cup of Joe.

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And yes, that’s platinum on the walls.

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To be continued…

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Random Newport photos to give you a feel for the place.

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Newport Rhode Island is a colonial town that was settled in 1639. It sits at the bottom of Aquidneck Island and is famous for its sailing.

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Many original buildings are still standing and give the city a historic feel.

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The downtown area is vibrant.

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Quaint.

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And has a tourist sense of humor.

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With a current population of 25,000 in a little over 11 square miles…

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Space is at a premium in the crowded waterfront area.

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Parking is a serious issue and even in the off season you can spend a lot of time circling the tiny one way streets for an open spot.

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Or you can just park on the sidewalk like these people.

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Yes, the distances are usually walkable.

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But with the constant 40-50 mph winds we experienced in mid March temperatures? Not that enjoyable.

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Did I mention there were Canada geese?

Everywhere.

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Bellevue Avenue and its stately homes are a popular attraction.

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And yes, there’s serious money in this area… as evidenced by the plethora of expensive automobiles we encountered on the road, like this Ferrari.

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And finally there’s the water.

The Atlantic Ocean, Narragansett Bay, the marinas, the ports, the beaches, the lighthouses, the bridges, the sailing.

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In Newport, it’s all about the water.

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News you can’t use.

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Use is a relative term when it comes to news these days.

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Can someone please give that scientist the White House’s address?

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I’m not going to wax poetic about this particular headline, but should you need to know more…

https://allthatsinteresting.com/rasputin-penis

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Well, that’s disturbing.

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I just… can’t, with this man.

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Must be that can and a half of hair spray he uses because I have a little more hair than him and don’t have a problem.

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Hooters… without the hooters?

I doubt that will last.

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And it’s about time too.

Those damn penguins have been ripping us off for years.

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My husband hates that word, and hates it even more when I say it. But sometimes.. you just have to. There’s been a lot to curse about lately, so at least it’s nice to know my health will benefit.

😉

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Newport – Day 2… Bellevue Avenue, Ocean Drive, Jamestown, some fabulous homes, berried beer and geese.

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Newport, Rhode Island is famous for its Gilded Age “cottages”. These stately mansions line the waterfront on an avenue appropriately named Bellevue… ‘beautiful view’ in French.

And cruising down that graceful tree lined avenue is indeed a beautiful thing.

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Ornate wrought iron gates guard impressive estates.

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Some are owned by the Preservation Society and open to the public …

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Some are still privately held.

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Some look like the Addams family could live there, but trust me… they’re all spectacular.

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It’s like stepping back in time.

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Before all those pesky taxes, regulations and workers unions ate into the homeowner’s stash of cash.

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We were told Larry Ellison (founder of Oracle) just bought two adjoining properties, tore one house down and is doing 150 million dollars worth of renovations to the other. In a city that worships its history, this is akin to wholesale slaughter.

Needless to say he will not be receiving a welcoming apple pie from his neighbors.

Continuing down Bellevue Ave, we took the scenic route on Ocean Drive.

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Where large waterfront homes and properties rule the day.

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Jay Leno has a big spread here.

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And is said to drive his cars around town, popping into local restaurants and pubs quietly and politely.

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This is a gorgeous area.

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Scenically beautiful.

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And if I had that kind of money?

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I’d live here too.

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Stone is a favored building material. And turrets are popular.

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Because who doesn’t love a turret?

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Continuing across the bridge, we headed for Jamestown.

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First established in 1678 by the Massachusetts Bay Company on Conanicut Island, it’s the second largest island in Narragansett Bay.

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And though it has impressive waterfront homes like Newport…

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It’s a quieter, more laid back, rural town.

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I’m not sure why you’d want a deck around your chimney, but these people did.

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The coastline is very similar to ours in Maine.

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And they do love their stone walls.

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Crossing another bridge, we ended the day at a brewery in Middletown.

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Where I had a blueberry beer with actual blueberries in the glass. Shame it didn’t taste anything like fruit.

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An old photo on the wall paid tribute to the popular beers of days gone by. And though we were surrounded by Narragansett Bay on all sides, and Narragansett beer was on every tap in every restaurant…. the brewery itself is inland, in Providence and run by a New York company.

Boo to that.

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After an excellent clam chowder and French onion start…

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And the annoying lack of adverbs, the meal was sub par and not close to photo worthy.

But on the drive back to the resort?

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The ever present geese.

They never disappoint.

😊

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Newport – Day 2 … Fort Adams, endless stone walls and of course, geese.

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The tour of the fort starts in front of this granite block facsimile.

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It represents the current fort which replaced the original build from 1799 that was named to honor President John Adams. Construction began in 1824 and was completed by 1857, though soldiers were stationed here in 1841. Designed by a French engineer who was an aide to Napoleon, it was a temporary site of the Naval Academy before the Civil War.

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Entering through the east gate you’re surrounded by granite, shale and brick.

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The grooves my husband is examining were cut to give traction to the mules and horses who were dragging supplies and canons up the ramp.

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Fort Adams is an impressive place.

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The parade field alone is over six and a half acres. For reference… Fort Sumter, Fort McHenry and Fort Ticonderoga could all easily fit inside.

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Behind the bust of John Adams are the officer’s quarters.

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Some still in their original condition. Every room of the fort was defensible. See the light shining through in the back? That’s a rifleman’s slit.

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I love history and have visited all the forts mentioned above, but strategically and for sheer firepower? Adams puts the others to shame.

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There were 117 canons on three tiers mounted in the west wall alone. This is a 32 pounder. A serious boomer and the reason most of its 8 man crews suffered severe hearing loss.

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I won’t bore you with all the facts I find fascinating. For those who are interested, the full history is here.

https://fortadams.org/discover-the-fortress/fort-adams-history/full-history/

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But before I end this pictorial essay….

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I have to show you the “listening tunnels”.

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Back in the day, enemies who couldn’t breach the fort’s walls tried to tunnel underneath them and blow them up from underground.

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So a half mile network of tunnels was built and manned.

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Ready made holes on the side made it easier to start a countermining attack.

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It was dark and damp and the farther you went, the smaller it became.

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A few people in our group had to turn back due to claustrophobia.

Rats?

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This one was fake, but it was put there to remind tourists they’re never truly alone down here.

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I could have happily explored the entire system…

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But our guide brought us back to the light.

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Fort Adams was designed to garrison 200 soldiers in peacetime and 2,400 in time of war. She could hold 468 cannon but was never armed or staffed at full strength. As a testament to her superb defensive planning, the fort never saw action and was decommissioned in the early 1950’s.

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If you’re ever in the area, I highly recommend the tour. It’s ten dollars well spent.

Leaving the fort, we passed a home with a stone wall.

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A stone wall that wrapped around the entire property…

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Lined the driveway on both sides…

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And seemed endless.. like many we would discover on our tour of this area.

First impressions of Newport, Rhode Island?

Wind.

Stone.

And of course…

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Geese.

😊

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Newport – Day 2 … too early for Fort Adams, a brisk walk and yes, more geese.

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Next up on the list was Fort Adams, a coastal fortification built in 1824 at the mouth of Newport Harbor. On the way there we passed a memorial to Portuguese sailors, which of course….

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Was surrounded by geese.

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We live in Maine.

Canada is our neighbor.

We have a lot of Canada geese, but I swear Rhode Island has more.

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Fort Adams State Park is a lovely area.

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But unfortunately you can’t tour the fort by yourself and the ticket office didn’t open until 10:00am.

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Since we had half an hour to kill, we explored.

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And took what turned out to be one very cold walk.

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This is Narragansett Bay…

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This is the fort.

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And this is the husband ducking against the gale force wind.

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There was no escaping it, and had I taken a video you wouldn’t have been able to hear me speak.

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My jacket is zipped up to my neck and my nose is red. I have half a smile, but inwardly I was cursing the nonstop buffeting.

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The husband might have been thinking about jumping and ending it all right here, it was that bad.

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Did I mention Fort Adams is the site of the famed Newport Folk Festival? Where Dylan notoriously plugged in and went electric? After experiencing the strength of the wind, I no longer think he was making a statement. He was simply anchoring himself.

At 10:00 we happily stepped inside the small museum.

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It was previously used as the fort’s jail.

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And the cells were pretty grim.

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Not to mention small.

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Really, really small.

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The first tour was at 11:00am so I’ll give you one guess how my husband passed the time.

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In deep conversation with the tour guide.

It started with my spouse comparing those cells with the cells he patrolled as a brig guard when he was stationed at the Portsmouth Naval Prison in New Hampshire many moons ago. That was at the tail end of the Vietnam era, which led to stories about my guy’s time in the war.

In his element, the stories continued for the full hour. When it was time to start the tour, the guide was so impressed with my husband’s gift of gab… he offered him a job.

It’s a shame we live too far away because talking all day would be right in my husband’s wheelhouse.

🤣

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