I love it when I go grocery shopping and find a product that seems to be tailor made for me.
Witness River’s cookie heaven:
Cookies…
That taste like cocktails!
I was a little disappointed to find there was a bag inside the bag and how very few cookies there actually were….
But I figured that just meant they were extra special.
I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.
In fact… these cookies were not only horrible, but probably one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted in my life. And I’ve endured my MIL’s pot roast, so that’s saying something.
I mean Hell… it’s a cookie. By nature they’re flippin’ delightful!
How do you screw that up?
As I was bundling them up to throw away, I flipped over the package and noticed this:
Fruitcake.
This company shipped 12,000 pounds of the most atrocious baked good ever invented to brave, battle weary soldiers.
I know!
Hadn’t those poor men suffered enough?
Of course it does explain the low quality cookie standard and my severe revulsion to their product.
Maybe that’s the explanation.
The cookies were actually leftover fruitcake from 1943.
The naming might have been based on the cocktails that the people baking the the cookies drank as they baked. But fossilized fruit cake theory wins hands down.
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You’d have to be drunk to serve those abominations to people. And heck, in a pinch….. they could have used those fruitcakes in place of bombs. 12,000 lbs of it could level a small city.
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Maybe they’re saying you need to drink the same number of cocktails as there are cookies before you eat them.
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That’s the only possible explanation. And the only way they would be close to edible as well.
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If you bought Strawberry Daiquiri cookies, you deserve what you get…
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Hope springs eternal.
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Yeah… I know how you feel. I’m still waiting on a potato chip flavor that doesn’t let me down…
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You mean chicken and waffles didn’t do it for you? How odd…
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Those fruitcakes were subsequently dropped over Germany. Have any idea how much damage a flying fruitcake can do to a rail junction? You probably don’t want to know.
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One fruitcake? Dangerous.
12,000 lbs of fruitcake?
The apocalypse.
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Banned: fruitcake
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It should be, but alas it still makes it’s way to holiday tables around the world.
Of course it could be the same one… so beware.
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And the soldiers, too, apparently!
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To me, there is nothing like a Lofthouse cookie. I don’t buy them. Because I will sit down and eat all dozen cookies in one sitting.
And no, I no longer wonder why my weight is off.
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Never heard of them… which is probably a good thing.
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Addicting. VERY addicting….
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Ok, don’t pelt me with bits of hardened fruitcake cookies but, I happen to like fruitcake. Not the commercially made fruitcake but my mom makes actual fruitcake cookies for Christmas and I love those. They don’t weigh a ton and are actually edible and are pretty delicious. There aren’t any fruitcakes made commercially I don’t despise, and cocktail flavored cookies seem a bit suspicious to me, lol.
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You like fruitcake.
Fruitcake!
How is this possible?
But if they’re cookies, technically they’re not really fruitcake. Just cookies with fruit. And if they don’t weigh 20 lbs per? Definitely not fruitcake.
Whew. You scared me for a moment there…
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Hey I hate cilantro, and I’d rather eat a pound of fruitcake than have that nasty, soapy tasting weed in any of my food any day 🤣
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I despise cilantro as well.
It’s an evil thing that sneaks into all my Mexican food!
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I love English fruitcake. It’s nothing like the lurid day glo shat people call fruitcake here. I soak the fruit in booze for 48 hours when I make it and then ‘feed’ it with more brandy or whisky after it’s made. I feel sorry for Americans who grew up with the truly horrid fruitcake you get here, it’s ghastly
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I’ve never met a fruitcake I could tolerate, much less enjoy. And the funny part is, everyone says, “Oh, MY fruitcake is different, You’ll LOVE mine.” No, I won’t. Please stop trying.
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I don’t try to share lol! I just make one big enough for me!
I know what you mean though. I won’t eat anyone else’s lasagne because they sneak nasty shit in and say ‘oh but you’ll like it when I make it’
No Karen. I won’t. Naff Off!
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Lasagna.
Pasta, cheese, sauce. Meat optional. Do not put carrots, zucchini or eggplant in there. I will hurt you.
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No cottage cheese. It’s wrong!
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Ricotta all the way…
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Storming the beaches with FRUITCAKES! Hitler never stood a chance…
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Think how much sooner the war could have been over if only we’d deployed them in ‘42.
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I don’t know about the cookies, but that packaging is definitely a rip-off. Only 8 cookies? Hope you didn’t spend a lot for them.
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Sadly, I did. $5 per package…
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The only thing more disappointing than a bad cookie is dropping a scoop off your ice cream cone. That’s awful.
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Terrible tragedies, both.
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“Cookies…That taste like cocktails!” What did you think? You would get high?
Last week I bought a brand name ‘carrot cake cookie’—my bad but not as bad at that ‘cookie’ UGH!
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I saw those yesterday and thought of you! But when it comes to Oreos? Give me the original… all the others are awful!
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River,
I’ve never eaten fruitcake and not expect I’ll ever try. I’ll add your aforenamed cookies to the list. You’ve provided a very important public service announcement today — and we thank you for it! Mona
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I do my best to warn the general public against abominations such as these. Now if only someone had warned me…
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NOOOOOOO … Don’t F&*K with DESSERTS. I once tried a new brand of ice cream… OMG I think they froze & ground up cardboard & put it in the freezer.
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Exactly. We expect sugary decadent goodness… not cardboard!
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I just have to wonder… who the hell taste-tested this crap & decided it was actually good?!?
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Clearly no one. Ever…
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I just want to say my mother is always baking “good for you” cookies WHICH ARE NOT COOKIES, and the woman loves fruitcake. I think there may be a correlation.
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There’s no such thing as a “good for you” cookie. What in the world is she thinking?
😳
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Honestly, it’s her one fault as a mother and grandmother. She’s always trying to hide flax and other bird food in sugarless circles of fiber. She redeems herself by making candy each December. Candy WITH sugar, thank tacos.
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Flax. I will put it my healthy morning smoothie because you know, I health occasionally. But cookies? No. Never. That’s just cruel.
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I know, right? Ugh.
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I never would have gotten as far as the first bag much less the bag inside a bag. There must be some form of chocolate involved for me to get interested in a cookie.
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I believe even a complete chocolate dip wouldn’t have helped these horrors..
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I think an actual liquid daiquiri or margarita is in order. Ya know… to help you recover from the cookie trauma.
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Just what the doctor ordered, yes…
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