Tag Archives: groceries

Covid humor.

 

Because wouldn’t you rather laugh?

 

 

There.

That puts things in perspective.

 

 

Yes.

For quite a bit longer by the looks of things.

 

 

Don’t you just hate when that happens?

 

 

Hell, in Maine…. it already does.

 

 

Good rule.

 

 

Most definitely.

Grocery stores have become the new I-95. Wrong way dumb asses, rubberneckers, and the road police who do 25 miles under the posted speed limit.

Move aside people….

River needs double fudge brownie mix. And tequila.

 

 

A fitting finale.

WTF indeed.

It’s a simple concept.

 

Trips to the grocery store are so much more interesting these days.

And by interesting, I mean annoying A.F.

Take for example… the ample directional signage.

 

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Since I am a fully functioning literate adult, I read this and my brain processes the instruction quite quickly.

For those unlucky souls who don’t possess my lightning quick reasoning? There was also this helpful accompaniment.

 

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Pretty straight forward, right?

Then why…. on every single aisle I traversed…. did I have to dodge customers coming straight at me? Many without the facial covering the store… and now this particular town…. requires.

Regardless whether you’re on board with the whole mask, social distancing, 6 feet apart regime…. it’s this grocery store’s policy and they’re doing it to try and keep you safe. You don’t have to shop there, but if you do? Please pay attention… and study those pesky one syllable directions.

I’d hate to inadvertently (on purpose) stick my foot out as you pass by.

 

 

Come on people….

 

Get a grip.

I made a trek to the grocery store today where I was met with the same empty ‘oh my God the sky is falling and we’ll never be able to buy dish soap again’ shelves.

Yes, dish soap.

 

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Good grief, are we still doing this?

By all means wear a mask to protect others.

 

 

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Preferably color coordinated to your shirt.

But enough with the ‘we must fill the underground bunker with every canned good in a 600 mile radius’ mentality.

The news squawks about meat shortages…. but the cases were full of every conceivable type of flesh imaginable.

But rice?

 

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Unless you want red quinoa brown…. which I didn’t, and never will ….. no can do.

 

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Tolerant chick pea and green lentil pasta?

No, damn it! I have no tolerance for that.

 

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Toilet paper? Nope.

Not unless you’re supposed to use those strategically placed plastic loofahs.

Look… there’s one shaped like an ice cream cone!

That has possibilities.

 

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The lack of eggs was definitely a new development.

When I spoke with the cashier she assured me that they do get regular deliveries and stock the shelves as they always have. No one has an explanation for the continued panic buying after all this time.

It really is getting old, as well as ridiculous.

 

 

 

New is not always improved.

 

You never know what the grocery store will be out of these days.

I haven’t seen flour for weeks, unless it’s made from something ghastly. At this point, dehydrated tofu/arugula flour wouldn’t surprise me.

Along with the lack of everyday items comes the strange substitutions.

Some, I can live with.

 

 

Peach and almond dish soap? Sure.

Legume pastas? Not so much.

 

 

Colorful? Yes.

Tasty? I doubt it.

 

 

Yes, these horrors are still on the shelf.

Though that shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone.

I couldn’t find my regular orange juice last trip and had to home with this.

 

 

And all I can say is the fruit might have ripened on the tree…. but the flavor leeched out on the way to the bottle. A less fruity fruit juice you’re not apt to find.

Then there was this, that the husband simply had to buy when the peanut butter shelf was empty.

 

 

Roasted watermelon seed butter.

WTF?

 

 

”  ‘In with the new’  kinda day” ?

This abomination looks like beige spackling paste and smells half as appetizing. Needless to say the other half had one sandwich and called it good.

Did I mention it was $17 a jar?

A new scent of soap made its way to the shelves and being a mango lover, I had high hopes.

 

 

Sadly there was a lot more butter than mango in this product and unless you have a sudden urge to smell like a hot bucket of movie theater popcorn? I’d steer clear.

And finally, there were Pete and Gerry’s eggs.

 

 

What happened to Ben….

Good God, is my Cherry Garcia in peril?

 

 

Gerry… go back to Ben.

Substitutions are not always acceptable.

 

No soup for you!

 

I ventured out to the grocery store again this morning and was feeling a bit gangsta.

 

 

Although in retrospect, a pink butterflied gangsta probably wasn’t all that frightening.

Still no toilet paper or flour on the shelves…. and may I just say?

This is getting old.

It’s been what, almost 2 months since the virus started spreading? Come on people…. the supply chain is still moving, food is still available. Stop the panic buying FFS!

Today?

 

 

The soup Nazi made an appearance.

 

 

Apparently, the run on soup has begun.

 

 

Unless you want creamy cauliflower or butternut squash.

There was plenty of that.

 

 

Things I learned while grocery shopping.

 

I ventured out of my lock down burrow yesterday and went grocery shopping for the first time in 21 days. It was quite a learning experience.

I learned Wal Mart has a bizarrely convoluted maze of barricades at the entrance so you can’t use the same door as those who are exiting. They have staff wiping down carts, cashiers wiping down check out lanes and six foot distancing markers on the floors. The one thing they didn’t have?

A single employee wearing a mask.  To which I say…. WTH?

At my second stop, a grocery chain called Shaws…. I learned there are 2 staff members with clickers and clipboards counting customers at the entrance so no more than 75 people can be in the store at the same time. They have arrows for one way aisles, distancing markers at the checkout and a ban on bringing reusable bags from home. The one thing they didn’t have?

A single employee wearing a mask. To which I say…. WTF?

I got hollered at for putting my groceries on the check out conveyor belt too soon, by a cashier who wouldn’t wear a mask. Smarten up people! Half measures are no measures. We need to get on top of this thing…. my local pub misses me!

Other things I learned?

I don’t look good in a mask.

 

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And there’s still no toilet paper.

 

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Anywhere.

There was plenty of deodorant, but no toothpaste…. because apparently clean minty breath is more important than body odor during pandemics.

You want flour?

 

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Sorry, no can do.

Oh, there are full shelves here and there.

 

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But they’re filled with such things as Tumeric pasta and….

 

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Yeah.

There was no shortage of those.

This item was fully stocked as well.

 

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Clearly I’m not the only one who hates cilantro.

I also learned you can’t wear reading glasses while sporting an N95 mask. Nope. If you do…. those little suckers will fog up like the back of your teenage boyfriend’s Chevy van on prom night.

I came home with something I didn’t want or need simply because I couldn’t read the damn thing.

Yay me.

I also learned that if you’re menopausal and prone to hot flashes? You’re not going to enjoy going out in public for the foreseeable future.

The mask I wore is great, it filters out all the harmful particles… but breathing through it? Not so great.

I overheated to a temperature approaching the surface of the sun within 5 minutes…. then turned a bright feverish red and had to finish shopping quickly before I melted into a puddle in the dairy section.

Think I’m kidding?

 

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Nope.

 

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Not kidding.

I’m not sick, just splotchy. Honest!

 

Never let your husband bag the groceries.

 

We had to run to the grocery store for a prescription last night and I figured while we were there I’d pick up a few things.

They were still out of paper products, water and flour….

 

 

 

But all I wanted was fresh fruit and veggies anyway.

When we got to the check out line…. with the reusable bags no Mainer is ever without… we were told a new policy of self bagging had been implemented, so the husband happily jumped right in.

Yes, he put the bananas on top of the bread… and the apples on top of the lettuce but it wasn’t until we got home that the real fun began.

Did I buy oil?

No, but a large bottle came home with us.

Did I buy pistachios?

No, but they came home with us as well.

And while it was bad enough the husband rounded up and bagged someone else’s groceries? He also packed this in our bag….

 

 

Hand sanitizer.

But not another shopper’s sanitizer.

No….

 

 

He lifted one of the store use bottles they keep at each register.

Do not let your husband bag groceries.

Really…

Don’t.