Diet is a four letter word.

September 27, 2018 Rivergirl 28 Comments

I used to be one of those blissfully happy women who never worried about their weight.

I’ve never been rail thin mind you, but I was a fit child, a coltish pre teen, a slim teenager and a curves in the right places adult. I wore whatever was in fashion and if I don’t mind saying so…. rocked it.

Then I turned 30 and gained 10 pounds. No biggie, I’m short but I could carry it.

I turned 40 and gained another 10 pounds. Hmm… had to rethink those crop tops and short skirts, but okay.

When I turned 50? Only 5 more pounds… I figured I’d reached my leveling off point.

Then…. after a medical issue made a full abdominal hysterectomy necessary and I was thrown into menopause? I gained another 15 pounds. That put me in the “Hooray! Long loose tops are back in style and where do I find that Jane Russell 18 hour bra?” category.

WTF? My body was in revolt. Food was no longer my friend!

I dieted, ~~I cursed my womanly existence~~, I exercised, ~~I swore like a longshoreman,~~ I drank the equivalent of friggin’ Lake Erie in water every day and nothing happened. I tried low fat, low carb, I gave up every delicious thing I could think of (except alcohol because… well, geesh. I had to have a reason to live.) But still the weight didn’t come off.

To be honest it drove me nearly crazy for 2 years until I said …..

Life is too short to never eat bread. And cheese. And every other wonderfully fatty high calorie thing I’d been denying myself. (Come to momma cappuccino mousse trifle… I’ve missed you!) If my body wanted to be ~~round,~~ v~~oluptuous,~~ larger than it was, then who was I to argue.

So I bought bigger pants. Hell, I have bunions and had to buy bigger shoes, so what…. it was another excuse to shop.

Yes, I miss thin. Not everyday mind you (thank you yoga pants!) but when I have an event like a wedding, or funeral, or horror of horrors… a class reunion where there are people I haven’t seen in 20 years? It drives me to drink. No, I won’t be unrecognizable from my former self, but I’m always conscious of the difference. And women are famous for beating themselves up about that. Men embrace their beer bellies and proudly pat them. Women try and squeeze their muffin tops into torture devices called Spanx.

Oh, well… such is life. It took me a while, but I’ve learned to embrace the larger version of myself. I may not always love her, but I’m healthy and happy…. and in the end, isn’t that much more important than squeezing into a smaller size?

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And exercise? Okay, you got me.

It was never my strong suit.

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It’s Twilight Zone time….

September 26, 2018 Rivergirl 22 Comments

There’s been some weird stuff happening at Casa River lately and I think it needs to be shared…. if only to prove I’m not crazy.

First it was the weird giant watermelon slice that threatened to swallow my husband whole while he was working on the garage.

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I know what you’re thinking… a reflection of sunlight.

Okay, maybe.

But then there’s the bird bath.

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I dutifully wash and fill it with fresh water every other day. (Hey, did you see the birds on those lines? I’m not taking any chances.)

But lately…

Someone… (or something) …. is peeing in my bird bath.

Okay, it’s a bath. For birds. And when birds hit water? Yes, they poo… that’s a given.

But in the 17 years I’ve been caring for this one, no one has ever peed in it. Now? It’s happening every day.

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And if you’re thinking you can explain it with some out of season tree pollen or a sneaky garden gnome with a dye packet…. then take a crack at this one:

Ghost hands.

I’d finished painting the new garage door, and since I always wear as much as whatever I’m painting…. ( I do. I really do. You can look at my work clothes on any given day, point and say Porch. Deck. Barn. Shutters etc. It’s pathetic but true. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not grey in my hair after all but leftover paint! Yes. I’m going with that.) …. when I was done I thought I’d take a picture and post something funny on FB.

But every picture I took?

All 10 of them?

Had that eerie ghostly outline.

No other pictures, no moisture on the lens, just my hands.

Explain that!

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Oh, stuff it Rod.

No one asked you.

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A Suc-It update….

September 25, 2018 Rivergirl 24 Comments

Because you know you want one.

Remember my blog about that product with the delightfully tacky name?

Best or worse? You decide…

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Well, it seems the inventor saw it and left a comment –

Erik

1d ago

Hey so i actually invented the suc -it. It’s a great product for being hands free. Taking selfies is way easier, family photos, gps on a car and the uses go on and on. With the name comes uncharted waters I get it lol. It’s a universal silicone band that is a suction cup. It fits on to pretty much every phone . In the big picture it’s a pop socket on steroids and I apprecIate all the comments . Feedback is huge. Hope you all use one one day it’s really a great accessory

How fun is that?

And apparently he feels very strongly about his brain child because…

Erik

1d ago

We would love to send you one free of charge and have you use it . Would that work ?

Not particularly interested, I replied –

rivergirl1211

19h ago

Well, if I’ve gone this long without having to Suc-It…. I think I’m good. But thanks for the offer!

Of course he’s a persistent guy…

Erik

19h ago

Hey listen I appreciate the hustle you show and I admire everyone’s opinions . Ima bit flattered lol. I still want to send you two free of charge and have you use it and then give even more feedback on how great of a gadget it really is

So I thought…. maybe I really do need to Suc-It.

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Okay, so now he’s speaking my language.

And then the inventor emailed me.

Hey so I saw the blog on suc it and I want to send you one or two for free. Have you use it etc.

what adress and name can I send these out to.

Also what colors?

Clearly this guy feels passionately about me Suc-ing It.

And free is free, right?

Heck, if grandma can Suc It….

Then I should be able to as well.

So what do you think?

Should I Suc-It?

P.S. – For some reason the video of Grandma Suc-ing It doesn’t show up on the reader version of this post. Visit my site page for the full experience.

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I know you’re out there Alfred….

September 24, 2018 Rivergirl 24 Comments

I woke up the other morning to an eerie fog covered world.

And an even eerier bird covered telephone line.

They were gathering.

Quietly.

Too quietly.

And I thought,

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Did I forget to fill the bird feeders?

Was the bird bath empty?

Were they here for revenge?

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And then I saw that one.

There… on the left.

WTH?

It looked like a lobster.. and I knew I was doomed.

I couldn’t sedate it, I haven’t smoked weed since 1983!

So I did what any self respecting Alfred Hitchcock fan would do.

I hid in the house until they dispersed.

And put bird seed on my shopping list because I’m not taking any chances.

And P.S….

Did you know there’s a Bird’s Halloween costume?

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I might just need one of those to go grocery shopping.

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Are we doing this now?

September 23, 2018 Rivergirl 24 Comments

As I was thrift store shopping with a friend this week, I ran cross an item that shouldn’t surprise me.

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Because yes, we probably have become this lazy.

Now granted, we all have our moments.

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But if the day comes when it requires too much effort to hold your own phone?

Please…

P.S. It should be noted that when I first saw read the box I thought…

#1. It was made by a brand named Absurdo… which seemed entirely plausible.

And

#2. That it would only rotate your neck if your neck was soft…. and I wondered what kind of neck I had, why I needed product assistance to rotate it, would said rotation hurt, did it come in different sizes for different sized necks like football players and giraffes, and how I would go about finding out.

Because sometimes, my mind just goes to odd places and I can’t get it back.

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You’re never too old to learn…. Chakra Toning.

September 22, 2018 Rivergirl 22 Comments

It’s that time again.

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Maine continuing education says tone up your Chakra!

Oops… my bad. Not that kind of toning.

********

Toning for Chakras and Wellbeing

Your voice is one of the most powerful tools of all to reset your entire being to natural healthy patterns. One of the most powerful ways of using the voice to stimulate healing is called toning. In this class you will be introduced to a number of different systems for toning your chakras. We will complete one full sequence together, it is simple, easy and really feels good. No discounts.

*********

Apologies to all the new age spiritual healers out there, but this sounds like utter nonsense.

Even the description is lame. “… simple, easy and really feels good.”

Well I’ve got news for you, so do Jello shots and I don’t need to pay anyone to teach me how to do them. Tip, swallow, repeat. Easy peasy.

Granted my Chakra is probably not up to date….

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Or properly aligned.

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But to be honest, I really don’t care.

Heck you can do a quick tune up online for free….

Why pay for a class?

Besides, I tone my voice at home all the time. Why, just the other day I chanted Nooooooo! for a full two minutes when I realized we were out of Klondike Bars.

It was quite cleansing.

Not to mention cheaper.

1 session, Thursday Nov. 15 6:00-8:00pm

$35 non refundable.

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Yes, this is really happening.

September 21, 2018 Rivergirl 24 Comments

Not much makes me do a double take these days. In case you haven’t noticed?

People be crazy.

But this local story was worth a second look.

Giving new meaning to the term baked lobster.

Yes, there is a woman in Maine who owns a restaurant.

Yes, she serves lobster.

And yes, she has decided to get them high before cooking them to alleviate their pain.

Indeed.

You can now request your lobster to be sedated with pot before he goes in the…. well,

Pot.

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I’m told the cooked lobster tastes better after the smoking, but then again…. doesn’t everything?

So in closing, may I just say….

#1. It’s official, I’ve now seen everything.

And #2. Speaking from the vast experience of an extremely misspent youth, there is no amount of weed, no matter how potent… that will lessen the effect of being thrown into a vat of boiling water.

(And if you can prove me wrong on that one, please PM me immediately.)

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The project turns a corner…

September 20, 2018 Rivergirl 26 Comments

Alternative title: If we’d known it would be this much work, we never would have started.

A word of advice from a blogger who’s sore, covered in paint and has splinters where one should never have splinters..

Don’t remodel that old rotting garage. Let it fall to pieces on it’s own, bury the refuse and park on the street….. because what started out as “Let’s throw some vinyl siding on that puppy” has turned into “Oh, holy crap… we have to replace that too?”

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We’ve been working all weekend long, every weekend since mid August and never seem to get anywhere. The paper walls didn’t help, but neither did all the rotten studs and trim…. and once you start replacing a little, you have to replace a lot.

So the woodshed has new walls.

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And we turned another corner.

And ripped off more trim…

And cursed the previous homeowner who used rusty railroad spikes instead of nails to Hell and back numerous times.

Then the husband said, “We might as well put a new door in here too.”

(At which point I started cursing him to Hell and back under my breath.)

Have you ever tried putting a brand new door on a 1970’s sloping, non standard, off center, dirt floored storage room? Well, don’t. It’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

After two full hours of putting it in… and out… and in again…. I realized the husband is not highly proficient at cutting angles.

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But did I say anything? No. It will be covered in fascia anyway, and he probably heard my eyes rolling from across the yard…. so I’m good.

By Sunday evening we’d replaced walls and studs and trim and a door. We’d put up starter strip, J channel, corner posts, F channel, soffit, fascia, siding and sill trim.

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We were tired and sore.

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Oh, stuff it Morgan.

It may not look perfect, but it looks better. And right now?

Better is just fine with me.

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Can I take a serious moment here?

September 19, 2018 Rivergirl 22 Comments

It’s a rarity, I know… but bear with me.

With all the attention that jerkweed weather reporter pretending to be caught in gale force winds received, it seems the blogosphere has forgotten that people are still suffering the effects of Hurricane Florence, and it’s far from funny.

We lived in Jacksonville, North Carolina for 17 years and rode out some terrible storms. They’re frightening, life changing and nothing to take lightly. We have a lot friends still in the area and thankfully they all evacuated, but I’ve been getting texts and picture updates from some of them and I wanted to share ….

This is I-40…

Most of our friends can’t get back into town.

Because this is what happens when you try to drive through high water.

In all the years we lived there, we never saw flooding like this.

The entire town is literally under water.

Thank God for the Marines..

A neighbor took this picture of my girlfriend’s house.

And the courthouse where she works.

I hear Wilmington is completely cut off as well.

There’s no power, no water, no gas and some of the cell towers have gone down.

Now I like a good laugh as much as the next person, probably more. So yes, laugh at the idiot reporter trying to make a name for himself.

But don’t yell fake news at me. This is real for a lot of people we love, and that nimrod shouldn’t be the only part of the story we’re talking about.

Okay, I know.

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A little chicken history.

September 18, 2018 Rivergirl 29 Comments

You may have noticed I have a glamour chicken as my avatar. (Yes, there is such a thing. We’re gorgeous and we know it ) But in case you wondered why….

It started back in 2010 when our new farming neighbors got a few chickens. I’d never spent much time around that particular bird, I mean come on… I’m originally from New Jersey. The only chicken I knew came in a bucket with biscuits and slaw.

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But they looked so cute pecking around the yard that I started visiting them, and feeding them, and photographing them and generally making feathered friends. So when our neighbors wanted to go out of town for Christmas that year? Of course I opened my big fat mouth and said, Sure! We’ll take care of them.

Did I mention it was Christmas time?

In Maine…?

I had to drive down the road, then down their driveway and then down an ever narrowing path to find them. In the snow. In 12 degree temperatures.

Their coop was actually a little house, but damn.

Warm and cozy it wasn’t.

There were bags of feed and corn in the building, but no water so I had to lug gallons twice a day.

And look up.

(Always remember to look up if you don’t want a head full of chicken poo.)

I enjoyed the temporary chicken duty and would pull up a hay bale and sit happily with the little cluckers for a spell every morning and late afternoon… thinking, I want chickens of our own! They’re so cute!

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And fun to watch!”

But remember I said “we” would take care of them?

The “we” kicked in when December brought a snow storm that made driving down their unplowed road and path impossible. And oh yeah, the wind chills were 17 below.

That’s when the “we” turned into my husband…. with the “me” part taking pictures from our kitchen window.

He did it, but he wasn’t happy. And he let me know how unhappy every time I mentioned getting chickens of our own from then on. That’s what comes from being married so long… they know you too well. Yours truly isn’t going outside in a 17 below wind chill for anyone… cute, feathered or otherwise. So while chicken duty continued whenever our neighbors went out of town, my dream of a backyard coop died that day.

But back to the avatar explanation – in the Multiply days, I would blog chicken pictures.