Tag Archives: humor

The blogging life.

 

I had lunch with a friend the other day and we were in the middle of an epic catch up session when I mentioned I’d found a new blog site and was really enjoying it.

Me –  “It’s a large platform with lots of amazing writers.”

Her –  “Blogging?  Yeah… I’ve never understood the appeal.”

Me –

 

       

 

Her –  “It seems so totally self absorbed. I mean, what do you blog about?”

Me –   *sputtering*  *turning red*

“Life!”

( I may have screamed. I’m not sure.)

But it got me thinking, what do I blog about? Right now, it’s whatever nonsense is floating around in my head and needs to get out. That long fuzz covered blue thingy in the back of the fridge that may or may not have started life as a pickle? Sure! The old lady at Goodwill who had a vibrator in her cart because she thought it was a portable hand blender? Absolutely! But it wasn’t always that way.

No… back in the early days of Yahoo 360 and Multiply, it was personal.  I ranted about family, and relationships, and mother in laws from Hell. I had a small community of close friends who knew (almost) everything that was happening in my life. And then I got burned. I was posting about a particularly horrid SIL… okay, I may have called her  a hag. But she was. And still is. And crikey… she wasn’t supposed to be reading it! But she did and ….

 

 

Yeah, the proverbial excrement hit the rotating blade.

See…. I’ve always kept my blogging life and real life separate. The husband is an uber-private person and hates it if I tell my best friend anything… no less people on line that we’ve never actually met. So what did the hag do? She found my online blog presence, read every single post I’d ever made and left a seriously hateful comment on the last one. (At 3:30 in the morning no less. Clearly it was a riveting read.) And no… we haven’t spoken since. That was 8 years ago.

So I shut it down. No more public access, no more personal details.

And then it became a “thing” in our marriage. You know,  the “things”.  Those topics that no matter how many years you spend together, they’ll always cause friction. I mean geesh, I wasn’t spilling racy secrets from the bedroom….. and I won’t no matter how much you beg me.  (You’re welcome.) …. I was joking about the crap he accumulates in the cellar! Where’s the harm in that? But I got tired of the snide, “Oh, I suppose you’re going to blog about that now” comments every time something happened, so after my first site died a slow death?  I told him I was done blogging.

But I wasn’t.

So yes…. you lot are my guilty, secret pleasure. (How pathetic is that? Nothing dark and twisted, just you. Sigh…)

 

 

There, I said it.

I blog on the down low. And I keep it light… because for me, it’s always been about entertainment. I know there are a lot of inspirational blogs about overcoming hardships, heartfelt blogs about love and loss, fashion blogs, cooking blogs, gardening blogs…. and I enjoy them all. Even the occasional blog about running. (Do you have any idea how many of them there are? What’s wrong with people? Don’t they own comfortable chairs…?)  I mean… I’m diverse damn it! I can read about other people running even if I personally feel like  –

 

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That’s the wonderful thing about blogging! It’s unique to each and every person who does it…. and if you’re lucky enough to find bloggers of similar interests and styles?  Who laugh with you.. and occasionally at you?

You’ve found your tribe.

For me, they’re usually snarky, smart mouthed, fringe dwellers who are just a little bit bent. Because… well, I’ve been told I’m a little hard to take.

 

 

Shocking, I know.

But my husband has always felt the need to warn his co workers about me before we meet, so there must be something to it. I may look sweet, but my mouth does tend to get me in trouble when it gets going. And if I’m feeling comfortable enough around you to let the crazy out?

 

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You’re my people.

😎

My toilet should not smell like coconuts.

 

Now before all you coconut lovers start espousing the 3,567 health benefits of coconut oil….

 

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Let me explain. I love me some coconut….

I love the pie.

 

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I love the alcohol.

 

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I love the thought of chillin’ on a tropical beach…

 

 

I mean hell, who doesn’t?

 

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But on the throne? I don’t need to be thinking about….

 

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Which is where my mind went after I purchased this:

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See the coconuts?

Well, I didn’t. Which is another reason why I need to sling my readers around my neck when I shop.

Clean toilets should not smell like coconut.

Period. End of discussion.

I’m there to take care of business, not daydream about suntan lotion and lounging by the pool….

 

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Although with my luck, it would end up like…

 

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And let’s not forget about the dangers.

Coconuts can be lethal!

 

 

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The last thing I want to think about on the toilet is a random coconut falling on my head and dying with my drawers around my ankles.

So stop with the tropical fragrances Clorox, and go back to that eye watering, stomach churning chemical smell we all know and hate.

Give a girl a break.

Is WordPress hangry?

 

And if not…. why does it keep eating my comments?

So I’m happily cruising blogs, leaving killer comments, thinking…

“Ya, I really slayed that one.”

Only to go back a while later   wondering why no one has complimented me on my razor sharp witcursing the blog owner for ignoring me ,  to read other comments and find that mine has disappeared.

 

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So, I leave the same killer comment again.

Making sure it stuck this time…

 

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Sorry, my mind went there.

And if I check a third time? Yeah… the comment is still A.W.O.L.

 

 

There are only 3 possible explanations.

  1.   The blog owner doesn’t think I’m clever and deleted it. (No, that can’t be it.  I’m delightful, damn it!)
  2.   I was dreaming and/or ghost typing in my sleep.  (Possible, but not likely. Although I did sleep walk as a child and apparently watched an entire Vincent Price movie without waking up… which is really the only way to enjoy The Tingler.)

Yes, that’s a real movie.

Don’t believe me?

 

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You can thank me for the nightmares later.

And finally,  reason #3.  WordPress is hangry…. or just plain screwing with the newbie.

Which is the reason I’m leaning toward because… every once in a while?  My comment will post 4 times making me look desperate for attention. (Which I’m not, really…. no matter how many times I hang out my window and yell, “Hey sailor!”)

So, WordPress?

Cut it out.

The newbie is not amused.

If I should disappear without notice…..

 

This is a general heads up to my friends and followers –

In case I fall off the grid without warning.

It seems I’m a wanted woman, and may have to go on the lamb very soon.

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(That’s me trying to figure out how to kick the silly creature into gear)

The reason?

 I’ve been receiving some strange phone calls and may have to plan accordingly.

 

 

 

I have no idea what grievous crime I’ve committed….

Do the mattress people know I removed their tag?

Did the grocery store manager see me eat a grape?

 

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But clearly things are about to get real.

And if the message wasn’t bad enough…. this call came in yesterday.

 

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Time may be running out.

 

 

(For you youngins…  Attica prison?

 

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The riot in 1971?

 

 

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 It was awful, 43 people died. Read your history!)

So please, if you’re questioned… don’t tell them I ate the grape.

And wish me luck as I make my escape.

I’ve never been much of  a runner.

 

You’re never too old to learn…. Ukulele

 

It’s that time again.

 

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This week’s class:

Ukulele Extravaganza, Beginner

For many years the happy instrument so closely associated with Hawaii has been experiencing a huge revival around the world. Here is your chance to take part in the ukulele revolution. Folks of all adult ages will enjoy playing this very cool but accessible instrument. In this class students will learn to read music and play songs by picking and strumming. No prior musical experience is necessary. The instructor taught instrumental music at the Middle School from 1986-2017 and after taking a leave of absence to study music therapy at Arizona State University in 2008, she fell in love with playing the ukulele! She studies ukulele with master luthier/performer/teacher, Joel Eckhaus in South Portland, the Hawaiian masters at the Aloha Music Camp in Hawaii, and at the Ukulele Summit in Bethesda, Maryland.

Again…  this is a real part of the curriculum.

And yes, you too can learn to play the Ukulele and be the envy of all your friends.

 

 

So let’s break this down:

How have I missed the huge Ukulele revival?

What have I been doing….

 

 

Okay, sure.

But the Ukulele revolution?

 I wasn’t that busy…

 

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Well, maybe.

Although calling the Ukulele a cool instrument may be stretching the truth a bit.

 

 

But if you want to  drive your immediate social circle to drink and get yourself crossed off every guest list from now on  be a hit at parties, give Maine continuing education a try.

 

 

Classes start Mon, Sept 17, 6-7 PM, for 9 weeks

$59 non refundable.

Best or worse? You decide…

 

So a product caught my eye the other day, and it was screaming “Blog me!”

Suc It.

( No, I’m not yelling at the neighborhood kids again…. that’s the product name.)

It’s a silly little suction gadget you put on your cell phone to help take better selfies, though for the life of me I don’t see how. But what I’m here to ask is….

Best ad campaign? Or worst?

Let’s examine:

 

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My first thought was sex toy, but then my mind ran with how great that website address is.

Suc-It.com.  Priceless!

 

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Apparently you can Suc It anywhere you go…. how handy is that?

And for the procrastinators among us –

 

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 You can even Suc It next week.  Perfect for the busy working mom.

 

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These golfers are clearly clueless how to Suc It, but that can’t be surprising. They wear plaid pants and white shoes on a regular basis.

 

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Hell, even the family dog can Suc It!

Of course the campaign can go off the rails at times….

 

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I don’t know about you…. but these kids give me the creeps. They look hungry for human flesh and not what I need to see crawling out of my glove box at 85mph on I-95.

 

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And yeah.

Capturing precious moments by Suc-ing It just doesn’t fly with me.

So I doubt I’ll be buying one anytime soon.

But maybe….

 

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A t shirt to wear for special occasions?

Now that has tons of practical uses.

Random photo drivel.

 

(Otherwise known as I need to clean out my files and none of these shots warranted their own blog.)

 

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Is it wrong that every time I see our organic vegetable farming neighbor’s migrant workers heading out to the fields I hum “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off To Work I Go?”

(It is, isn’t it?

Damn. I’m not sure I can stop.)

*Note to self – do not search Giphy for Hi Ho Hi Ho, you will not get the 7 dwarfs*

 

 

In other neighborhood news, a nice young couple down the road got married in their backyard last month and wanted to include their dog in the ceremony.

 

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Now, how cute is that?

 

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You’re welcome.

In garden news, I’m quite enjoying these funky pink flowers I didn’t plant.

 

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I love it when random drive by bird pooping results in something pretty.

 

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I mean look at these little guys….

 

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They could be planning next year’s perennial bed right now.

Or… they’re an evil sparrow cabal plotting revenge for my decision to switch bird seed brands.

 

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Tough call.

Ode to a Cheeto.

 

You can’t improve upon perfection, so why do they try?

Witness the Cheeto.

The guilty pleasure snack everyone loves, but no one will admit to eating. With the texture of fine styrofoam and that glorious radioactive neon orange dust… how can you resist?

 

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And yes, I confess.

I have been known to squirrel away my bag in the back of the coat closet so no one else can eat them.

 

 

So why?

Why would my girlfriend offer this pale excuse of a substitute and think I would approve?

 

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Yes, she’s the same one who put kale chips with the french onion dip at her party.

And we all know how I feel about kale.  So what’s up with Kale… and why does everyone want me to eat it?

But… Cheetos, made out of beans?

 

 

That’s just wrong.

(And trust me… beans are not better. These things tasted like crunchy industrial sewage.)

Leave me and my Cheetos alone!

And bury my dust covered corpse accordingly.

 

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You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.

 

In my continuing effort to enlighten…

Let’s dive a little deeper into continuing education.

 

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Last week’s spoon bending was a hit,  You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

And while this week’s class may be a little Maine-centric…. isn’t that half the fun?

So grab your taters and let’s go to school.

 

 

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Spud Night – I’ve Got My Eyes on You!

If you are a Mainer (or from away) who is stuck in a potato rut, you will want to join us! We will learn how to choose the correct potato variety for use, see and taste many grown varieties and taste Roasted Fingerling potatoes. The class will make Swiss Rosti Potatoes, warm German Potato salad and Sweet Potato Puree with Smoked Paprika. The evening will be both demonstration and hands on. Bring a peeler and sealed tubs to take home leftovers (if there are any!)

$10 material fee included. No discounts

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Again, yes. This is real.

There is actually a course on potatoes.

 

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And admit it, you’re stuck in a potato rut.

We all are.

Hell, even Mr. Potato Head needs an update now and then.

 

 

Look how downright creepy he started out.

 

 

Would you let your child on the playground with that moustache twirling tater?

Of course not, so grab your peeler and get to class.

Thurs, Oct 25, 6-9 PM

1 Session

 

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