Tag Archives: humor

You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.

 

In my continuing effort to enlighten…

Let’s dive a little deeper into continuing education.

 

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Last week’s spoon bending was a hit,  You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

And while this week’s class may be a little Maine-centric…. isn’t that half the fun?

So grab your taters and let’s go to school.

 

 

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Spud Night – I’ve Got My Eyes on You!

If you are a Mainer (or from away) who is stuck in a potato rut, you will want to join us! We will learn how to choose the correct potato variety for use, see and taste many grown varieties and taste Roasted Fingerling potatoes. The class will make Swiss Rosti Potatoes, warm German Potato salad and Sweet Potato Puree with Smoked Paprika. The evening will be both demonstration and hands on. Bring a peeler and sealed tubs to take home leftovers (if there are any!)

$10 material fee included. No discounts

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Again, yes. This is real.

There is actually a course on potatoes.

 

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And admit it, you’re stuck in a potato rut.

We all are.

Hell, even Mr. Potato Head needs an update now and then.

 

 

Look how downright creepy he started out.

 

 

Would you let your child on the playground with that moustache twirling tater?

Of course not, so grab your peeler and get to class.

Thurs, Oct 25, 6-9 PM

1 Session

 

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You can’t make this stuff up…..

 

Yes, this is really happening.

 

 

Animal rights organization PETA said Wednesday it had asked the Maine Department of Transportation (DOT) for permission to build a “roadside memorial” along Route 1 near the site of an Aug. 22 crash in Brunswick involving a truck carrying live lobster.

On Aug. 22, a Cozy Harbor Seafood Inc. truck transporting an estimated 7,000 lobsters packaged in 60-70 crates rolled over along Route 1 in Brunswick, sending many of the live crustaceans into the road and ditch. Police said hydroplaning likely caused the crash.

(Click the link to view the carnage)

All lobsters were removed from the scene and many were deemed no longer sellable.

“Countless sensitive crustaceans experienced an agonizing death when this truck rolled over and their bodies came crashing down onto the highway,” said PETA Executive VP Tracy Reiman. “PETA hopes to pay tribute to these individuals who didn’t want to die with a memorial urging people to help prevent future lobster suffering.”

 

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Ummm….
Does PETA realize where those lobsters were headed?
News flash –
It wasn’t Club Med.
The five foot tall tombstone memorial proposal was shot down and denied by the Maine DOT this afternoon.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Image result for make love not stew lobster

You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

 

I love my state, I really do.

Maine has beautiful scenery, clean air, quaint villages, a huge craft beer industry and lobster I can’t eat….

 

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But we also have a thirst for knowledge.

And classes for almost everything… as proved by the local continuing education brochure I received last week.

 

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(There’s an ass on the cover named Jack Cass, you know it’s going to be good.)

Alongside the normal foreign language and computer courses there are some Maine-centric things like boat captaining and crossbow hunting, but I’m going to focus on the odd. The funny. And the downright bizarre.

 There are too many seriously wackadoodle choices for one blog, so it’s going to be a weekly series until I run out of ridiculousness. Let’s begin.

Class #1 :

Quantum Spoonbending.

Yes, you read that correctly. The description is as follows…

“What is the value of this spoon bending class? If, with very little training, you can easily bend a spoon that you could not easily bend before (if at all), then you can begin to see how powerful you actually are! Learn to access the subtle energy field that surrounds us all. The metal softening mechanisms you will learn in this class are actually quantum mechanics techniques you can transfer to enhance your daily life. This is the same energy field ancient and new age healers are accessing to perform healings and miracles. You will learn and practice several different techniques that will not only allow you to bend spoons, but allow you to experience inducing other changes in material reality. Learn how healers have been able to mend broken bones instantaneously and see how it might be possible for you to perform miracles in your own life. There is a $10 materials fee payable to the instructor at the start of class. No discounts.”

Let’s break this down –

1) Do I need a spoon to realize how powerful I really am?

Doubtful.

 

 

2) Transferable techniques to enhance my daily life.

Really?

 

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(Sorry, I couldn’t resist)

3)  If it’s the same process people are using to perform healing and miracles… why would I be happy just bending a damned spoon?

 

 

4)  A $10 material fee with no discounts.

   But… but…

What if I bring my own spoon?

 

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Classes start  Nov. 7th  6-8:30

Duration 3 weeks.

High tech hair?

 

So I’m an 80’s girl.

I grew up with MTV,  parachute pants and yes…

Big hair.

 

 

Okay, not that big.

But it’s fair to say I went through a considerable amount of hair spray in that decade and did my part to widen the hole in the ozone layer.

Fashions may have changed….

 

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But my  naturally curly hair still requires a  vat of industrial adhesive and a trowel  bit of work.

I’m always on the look out for new products and stumbled across this the other day:

 

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Helmet Head sounded about right, so I bought it.

But what did Cationic Hydration Interlink mean?

Definition of cationic. 1 : of or relating to cations. 2 : characterized by an active and especially surface-active cation. a cationic dye.

Thanks for nothing Webster.

Wikipedia?

Cationic polymerization is a type of chain growth polymerization in which a cationic initiator transfers charge to a monomer which then becomes reactive. This reactive monomer goes on to react similarly with other monomers to form a polymer.

 

 

Beyond confused, I went to the source.

 

 

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Proof positive that even the company who produces it has no clue what the heck it is.

Well, you can string a bunch of science terms together and stamp sucker on my forehead, but that’s okay.

 

 

It’s the price we girls pay for looking good.

 

 

Now they’re just screwing with me.

 

I live in Maine, land of the lobster I can no longer eat.

 

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It’s a cruel twist of fate which came about 7 years ago. I’d eaten that glorious, butter dripping crustacean all my life and loved every scrumptious bite…. until my traitorous body woke up one day and said no more.

No more lobster chowder, no more lobster rolls, no more lobster pie…. hell they hadn’t even invented lobster mac and cheese yet so I missed that too, damn it!  (I’ll spare you the details of what happens if I eat it now, just think Linda Blair in the Exorcist and leave it at that.)

It’s not easy being lobster allergic in Maine, the damned things are everywhere.

On our license plates…

 

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At every biker rally we attend…

 

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See?

 

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That’s me… cursing everyone for eating  lobster when I can’t …. not sitting at the table.

Hell, we even have a festival devoted to the creature.

 

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They crown a queen who leads the parade with King Neptune.

 

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Everyone eats lobster.

Except me.

 

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(I can’t attend anymore. The husband says drool isn’t my best feature)

Yes, we take our lobster seriously up here and I’ve  railed against fate, banged my head against the wall, invented new swear words   learned to live without it.

So why?

Why does that damned bottom dwelling bug continue to screw with me?

Yesterday… this showed up in our local grocery stores.

 

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And if that’s not bad enough…

A friend sent me this card.

 

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Now that’s just…  wrong.