News you can’t use.

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Trust me, you really can’t.

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Please tell me there was a model involved. The thought of disembodied pubic hair strutting down the runway in stilettos is simply too much.

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Gas station heroin?

In my day that used to be Cheetos.

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It seems I owe Lord Dudley Mountcatten a thank you tuna.

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If it’s not safe for work it’s probably perfect for this post.

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Or not.

I admit I’m so out of touch I had to look up fleshlight. My advice? Don’t.

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Send the animated pig brain to Washington. I think they’re a few short…

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Pre storm morning beach walk…

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Not wanting to waste any precious time on our week long vacation, day four threw a monkey wrench in my carefully planned trip.

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We woke to overcast skies, an egret in the pond and a forecast of what turned out to be a mini hurricane. Heavy rain, high winds and dangerous surf are not prime beach resort conditions.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I burned breakfast. Again…. due to the stupid flat surface stove that had two burners in one.

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High level heat if you turned right, high level heat if you turned left. This proved too much for my under caffeinated morning brain to handle and henceforth, the husband was on his own when it came to eggs.

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But at least the dish sponge was happy.

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Not having walked the beach since we got there, I forced my spouse onto the sand before the storm arrived. That’s his arm to the right of the photo, pointing out which unit was ours. I’m not sure why as we had just exited it and I was unlikely to forget that quickly.

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My husband is not a beach guy, not an idle walker. He needs a destination and purpose…

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I told him pleasing his wife of 40 years should be motivation enough.

😉

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We had the beach to ourselves, but it was cool, dark, damp and hellaciously windy.

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As proved by my epic hairspray fail.

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On the far right side…

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The marina.

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In between?

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Lots of marvelous shore birds.

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Even my husband likes to watch those.

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It’s hard not to smile.

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And then there was snow.

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We haven’t had a lot of snow this year.

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Or last year or the year before that unfortunately … so when the pretty white fluffy stuff does fall and stick?

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I wake up early to photograph it in that lovely pinkish blue morning light.

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And while I do enjoy it…

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Our contractor who still has to replace the siding from the bedroom window replacement does not.

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Can’t say I blame him.

🥴

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Windy beaches, selfies and fake stars.

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After discovering the lighthouse we’d come to see was closed, we decided to walk the Hunting Island beach instead.

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Following the rubber highway across the dunes we hit the sand and were just about blown away.

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I packed for the south, where it’s supposed to be warm…. and I swear the week we spent in South Carolina was colder than Maine.

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The beach was lovely.

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But to be honest it was too cold and windy to enjoy.

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The husband was less than thrilled to be walking in arctic wind, but I persevered.

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For a little while anyway.

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You know it’s windy when the sea foam is bouncing down the sand.

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We left before frostbite set in and continued on.

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Past a shrimping fleet and towards Fripp Island which we were told was lovely.

It might have been, but we’ll never know because it’s a gated private island where we were told to turn around and leave in no uncertain terms.

Didn’t they realize the rental vehicle we were driving cost $100k? That should have counted for something.

I mean really… it had a dashboard star display.

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What more could they want?

🥴

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In with the new… and a disturbing foamy bonus.

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When last I left the bedroom picture window saga, the old had been removed and the new was on its way.

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Carefully, across the ice covered snow.

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This baby was heavy, and awkward to lift as there’s really no place to grab.

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You knew it wouldn’t be easy, right?

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Did I mention it was about 12 degrees that day?

Good times.

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Hallelujah, it was in.

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Secured, insulated and awaiting new trim and sills.

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And speaking of insulation..

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Sometimes the spray foam has a mind of its own.

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A rather disturbing mind as it turns out.

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Or maybe that’s just me.

😉

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Where we go to Hunting Island but don’t hunt.

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We’d heard quite a few locals mention Hunting Island lighthouse (which is the only lighthouse in South Carolina open to the public) and since we were in the area, we decided to check it out.

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Paying the unexpected entry fee at the gate, we drove down the twisting, turning road.

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It felt a bit like the forest primeval with dense vegetation and palms lining both sides.

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At the end there was a parking lot and our first glimpse of the lighthouse.

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The views of the Sea Islands were supposed to be great from the top and I was anxious to climb.

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We approached…

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Entered the gated area….

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Took the required wind blown selfie…

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And after climbing the entry steps to the door… read the sign saying it was closed.

Of course it was.

Thank you Mr. Gatekeeper for taking our money but not sharing that fact. Grr. 😡

Was it worth the $20? Sure.

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See there? That used to be the light keeper’s house.

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And my husband found a fascinating rail contraption used to move the lamp oil.

Totally worth it.

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🥴

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And the search goes on… and on, and on, and not surprisingly, on.

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Furniture? Check.

Fabric pattern for chair, ottoman and pillows ? A possible check.

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Flooring? Check.

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Solid fabric for sofas? A box we can’t seem to check.

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An interior designer I spoke with said I was going about this all wrong because a room should be built around the rug. Not willing to start over but interested to see if finding the perfect rug could help…

I grabbed a girlfriend and shopped.

It was not at all helpful.

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I wanted to draw in some more color. Do you see much color in the showroom above?

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Yes, some of them blended with the fabrics.

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Some of them quite nicely.

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But they were just an extension of the same palette.

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And while I liked a few of them …

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Nothing screamed take me home.

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So solid fabric searching continued.

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Fruitlessly.

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Blah, blah, blah.

Having such a terrible time with that blue pattern I tentatively chose another.

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Two blues, yes. But at least there’s rust, burgundy brown and cream mixed in.

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Here’s how the pattern will look.

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Though the color isn’t right on their app.

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Why is this so hard?

😩

If you’ve never been gobsmacked when you walked into a restaurant, then you’ve never been to Johnson Creek Tavern.

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After our horse drawn carriage tour of Beaufort…(did you say Byoo-fert like I taught you?)

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We strolled along the harbor for a spell.

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Then headed over the bridge to explore the Sea Islands.

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Since the husband was hungry we stopped for a late lunch. Not much was open this time of year but we found a spot on the marsh called Johnson Creek Tavern.

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It was an unassuming little place, and while I don’t know exactly what I was expecting…

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It definitely wasn’t this.

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Every square inch of the place was covered in money.

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Yes, as in real U.S. currency. Ones, fives and tens. Most had names or funny sayings written on the face.

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One bad margarita….

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Some run of the mill hushpuppies with, oh the horror, margarine …

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And a terrible bowl of gumbo later, we decided we wouldn’t be eating lunch here… but we did marvel at the decor and inquire about its origins.

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It started at the bar decades ago as these things do. The first dollar spent, a big tip, a foreign bill brought back from faraway lands. But then it grew…

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And grew and grew.

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Now… they harvest the bounty every so often and donate it all to charity. Last year a veterans group was the happy recipient of over $11,000.

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And that’s money well spent.

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The flamingo agrees.

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The anti Valentine gift for the rest of you…

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For the friends who are soured on love.

For the readers who gag at Hallmark movies.

For the people who want Cupid to shoot himself in the butt with that stupid little arrow.

The perfect loveless Valentines Day gift.

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You’re welcome.

And speaking of litter boxes?

A Valentine from your cat….

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If cat poop isn’t your thing and you’re looking for something a little more direct?

How about this…

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Nothing says I love you like targeted heart penetration.

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