Tag Archives: wordpress

Lead, follow or….. well, you know the drill.

 

I think we’ve had this conversation before, but if you’re a business…. hawking vitamins, web design, crptyocurrency, pet meds and/or ways to increase my readership…. I will drop your follow-ship like a hot rock.

 

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I don’t need an inflated follower count and am perfectly happy with old fashioned bloggers who rather read and interact than sell me something.

So, yay me.

 

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I’ve been zapping people left and right lately, and I’m sorry…..

 

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But sex young girls love you can find here?

You didn’t make the cut.

 

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No, not really.

InTheNameOfSeitan gave me pause…..

 

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Until I learned Seitan just means wheat gluten.

Phew!

That could have gone bad quickly.

The internet is a funny old thing….

 

I had to laugh yesterday when I checked my stat page and saw that something called The Cape Cod Daily News was listed as a referrer.

Since we just got back from a trip to the Cape,  (and yes, we tend to be talkers and meet a lot of people)  I was wondering which one had found me.

Not to mention how.

Because while I am a girl, it may surprise you to learn that my real name is not actually River.

 

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Shocking, I know.

And it’s not like I start conversations with strange people by saying, “You really should check out my blog at WordPress. There’s plenty of woodchuck drivel for everyone.”

So I perused the Cape Cod Daily News site and found this:

 

 

news

 

 

I had tagged Cape Cod, so they included my post.

this post

Now I can only imagine the reaction of the poor native Cape Codders who clicked on it and found me channeling Khaled. That couldn’t have been pleasant.

And while I won’t tag Cape Cod this time… because let’s face it, I’m basically making fun of what they consider news…. the coastal cities residents are going to rue the day when Cape Cod Daily puts that action to work when I start my latest vacation series photo blitz.

There’s bound to be rocks.

Won’t they be thrilled?

http://capecoddaily.com/

Scrambling…

 

 

 

No, not eggs.

Vacations.

You see, for the entire year my husband has been saying he’s going to retire in December. He also forbade me to book any vacations because he works for the Federal Government and can sell back his leave when he goes.

(He gets 5 weeks off every year, so the payout can be substantial.)

 

 

Except now that the day is rapidly approaching, he decided he’s going to work a little longer.

Yes, his reasoning is sound.

 

  1. The old boss he hated has left and been replaced with a laid back, drama free manager.
  2. Starting next year, they’re going to push teleworking from home 2-3 days a week…. and since he already works four 10 hour days, it will probably be a 1 day a week commute.
  3. Good benefits.
  4. Good pay.
  5. The ability to dump more in our TSP (Thrift Savings Plan, the government’s answer to a company matching IRA).

 

I get it.

I do…

But our retirement plan was to travel, and I’d like him to be semi-mobile and breathing without a respirator when we do. (Hauling a corpse in and out of resort elevators is such a drag.)

 

Zombie-nuts

 

But back to the scrambling….

It’s almost the end of the year and I don’t have much time to plan and book 5 weeks worth of vacations before time runs out. It’s not easy with the holidays right around the corner. We have a timeshare on a points system and can go anywhere, but since he’s waited so long to request time off, he can’t get more than a week at a time…. which leaves out long distance trips. I hate spending 2 days flying back and forth for only 4 days on site. With the price of tickets these days, it’s not worth it.

So thanks to WordPress’s magic scheduling ability, as you read this… we are currently returning from a week at a ski resort in the western mountains of Maine.

 

 

That’s right Lionel, I haven’t been here for a week and you didn’t even miss me.

God bless technology.

Did we ski? Hell no, it’s too early for that… even in Maine. But it’s a beautiful area and I’m sure we explored. And drank. And took pictures.

The deluge of photos will begin shortly….

 

not again

 

You’ve been warned.

 

An open letter to 1800PetsAndVets and Discount Coupons Now….

 

Dear Pets and Coupons,

While I thoroughly applaud your tenacious natures, the madness must stop. Save us both some time and aggravation and cease your current cycle of repetitive following. If you haven’t figured it out by now,  I don’t allow my reader list to be clogged with random businesses, and will continue to zap you on a thrice daily basis.

If you’re people who actually reads my blogs?

Great! Drop a comment so I know there’s a real live human being behind the clicks… and I’ll welcome you aboard.

But Pet, from the look of your page….

 

 

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You’re a bot and I won’t tolerate those just to juice my numbers… or my ego.

I remove you both every single day. Multiple times…and still, you return.

It’s become a game. Morning Follow… Morning Zap. Afternoon Follow… Afternoon Zap. Evening follow… Evening Zap. Well, I’m getting a little tired of playing.

Let this serve as a warning, I have an infinite amount of patience and will outlast you.

 

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Yup.

That’s me.

So please….

 

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And let me go.

 

Sincerely yours,

Rivergirl

 

 

A Blogiversary.

 

Happy 1rst blogiversary to me!

 

 

A little more enthusiasm would be nice but yes, it’s been one year to the day since I joined WordPress.

And while I certainly wasn’t a blog virgin….

 

 

It did take a little time for me to adjust to my new home.

WordPress is a larger and more diverse platform than my previous sites, and though it’s also filled with more businesses and spam than I was used to…. I admit I’m enjoying it more as well.

 

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Blogging means different things to different people and my posts have certainly changed over the years. They used to be filled with personal details, family strife, and raw emotion …. but I was burned by that.

 

 

And switched to a light hearted, irreverent look at the world instead.

 

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Yes.

That book really exists…

“Go behind the exam room door to experience the secret lives of doctors and patients. Enjoy Pap parties. Meet the Chlamydia Clown. Win a free kitten with your physical! In this laugh-till-you-cry health care handbook, you’ll learn how fun it is to be a doctor–and a patient.”
I haven’t read it…
But feel I should, and report back.

 

Finding a tribe of like minded odd balls has helped me settle in here.

 

 

So to all of you slightly disturbed souls I call friends…

The loons who regularly tune in for my mindless drivel?

 

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I shall endeavor to provide more of the same high quality nonsense…

And continue to answer some of life’s most difficult questions.

 

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Zapped!

 

So I cruised my followers list the other day and did a bit of belated spring cleaning.

 

 

Good bye mortgage company people, how to make money online people, unique items you can’t find anywhere else people….

 

 

If you’re blatantly a business and have never commented, liked or read a single word I’ve posted?

 

 

You’re outta here.

I’ve been blogging for more years than I care to count, and while I enjoy WP immensely… I have to say I’ve never been on a site that has so much digital commerce.

For pity’s sake…. I have salesmen knocking on my door trying to sell me boxes of frozen meat. I have telemarketers calling nonstop trying to sell me car warranties and vinyl siding. I have girlfriends trying to rope me into attending a dinner party so they can sell me Pampered Chef products.

Enough already! My blog is a sales free zone.

And I’m zapping.

 

 

(Sorry, cleaning analogies are over. But that’s a chicken…

Riding a vacuum cleaner…

While laying an egg.

These things must be shared.)

 

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If you’re selling Cryptocurrency?

Please move along.

That’s not my idea of blogging.

Then there are these people…

 

 

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They set up a site but never use it.

Why do you bother, and why do you always follow me? I engage with my readers damn it!

So…

 

 

It’s surprising how many of these followers sneak in without you noticing.

When’s the last time you checked your list? I bet you have 50 or so lurking like I did.

Start zapping. It feels good to kick them to the curb….

 

 

Unless you’re one of those bloggers who needs a high follower count for personal validation.

Then by all means, you do you.

Feel free to have a bloated list.

I won’t judge.

 

 

Okay, maybe just a little.

The Meyer Briggs test said I have to…

 

P.S.  Sometimes I write and schedule blogs upwards of a week in advance. Since writing this?

Five of the zapped are back.

Perhaps I’m more irresistible than I thought.

Sunshine Blogger Award

 

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With thanks to  Nowhere Tribune  for the nomination.

He thinks my posts are fun…

So there!

 

 

Rules:

Thank the Blogger that nominated you.

Answer the questions.

Nominate new blogs to receive the award and in this case, ask them to list 5 to 10 random facts about themselves.

List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your post/or blog.

Notify the nominees about it by commenting on their blog post.

 

Since my normal blogs are already filled with completely useless, random tidbits of my life this might be a challenge…. but I’ll give it a whirl.

 

1.   I can’t tolerate nuts in any form. Don’t hide them in my salad or ruin my ice cream with those nasty little things. And if you come near me eating peanut butter? I will don my gas mask and cover you in Febreze … blech!

 

 

2.    If I step in or on a boat…. and it moves? That boat is too small. I may live in Maine, surrounded by water, but I’ve been dumped in the ocean  (lake, river, etc.)  by too many canoes and punts in the past to venture out on anything tiny ever again.  Uh uh. In my 50’s? It’s all about holding on to my margarita while boating. Kayaks need not apply.

 

 

3.   In my teens, I snuck into a night club through a rest room window. No one was in the stall at the time… and thankfully, it was the ladies room. But I landed head first on the toilet and that’s never good.

 

 

4.  I have the feet of a 90 year old woman. People say I don’t look like my mother, but I sure as hell inherited her deformed feet. Bunions, the beginning of hammer toes…. I’m prematurely geriatric from the ankles down and a podiatrist’s wet dream.

 

 

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5.   As I child I never got to act in the class plays. While my friends were Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz? Or Betsy Ross on Independence Day? I was the narrator because I was always the only kid who could read quickly and correctly without missing a beat. Not nearly as much fun, but at least I didn’t have to memorize anything….

 

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Okay, he wins.

Grass is worse than narrator any ole day.

So there you have it, 5 randomly ridiculous things you might not have known about me.

Huzzah! Your life is complete.

 

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Of course having to nominate only 5 people off the long list of fabulous blogs I follow is the worst part…

I love you all equally. But rules are rules.

My 5 –

Angel Who Swears  because she is snark incarnate and I admire that in a person.

Wayward Sparkles  because she always makes me laugh, and sometimes snort.

The Rebel Fish  because I haven’t been able to figure out how Tim’s mind works yet, but I’m sure there’s an aardvark scrambling around in there somewhere.

Actual Conversations With My Husband  because she’s a little bent, and eavesdropping on their conversations is an absolute hoot.

Go Jules Go  because sharing the crazy journey she calls life is a rollicking good ride.

 

So if you want to play along, tell us 5 things we don’t already know about you.

And if you could care less?

I get it. Feel free to ignore me…

It won’t be the first time.

 

 

 

They’re persistent, I’ll give them that.

 

 

So I hadn’t checked my Spam folder for a while and was surprised to find 32 from the same sender the other day.

Oprol Evorter clearly wanted to get his/her point across.

It started out innocently enough:

whoah this blog is fantastic i love studying your posts. Keep up the good paintings!

Paintings?

I don’t paint… other than the occasional wall, but whatever.

 

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Excellent items from you, man. I have be aware your stuff prior to and you are just extremely wonderful.

I don’t think I’m that wonderful, but okay… if you say so.

 

 

 

I am impressed by the details that you’ve on this web site. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. You, my friend, ROCK!

Clearly he read my Arizona rock series.

 

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Hi my loved one! I want to say that this post is amazing, nice written and include approximately all important infos. I’d like to see extra posts like this.

Loved one?

How ’bout we dial that back a notch.

 

 

Yeah….

No.

Then, perhaps because I didn’t approve the comments…. things started getting a little strange.

My brother suggested I may like this blog. He used to be entirely right.

Okay, fair enough.

I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

 

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But then…

Hello, you used to write magnificent, but the last several posts have been kinda boringK I miss your tremendous writings. Past few posts are just a little out of track! come on!

 

 

Ya gotta love it…

Everyone’s a critic. Even the spam.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently, he likes me.

 

Sometimes WordPress makes me laugh because I follow a lot of funny people.

 

 

Sometimes it makes me laugh because a lot of funny people follow me.

 

 

And sometimes it makes me laugh for totally unexpected reasons.

Like the other day when I clicked my notifications and saw this:

 

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Clearly I must make TANBHIR laugh because he liked the hell out of every comment I made on one of my old posts.

Every single comment.

That’s a lot of laughing.

 

 

Not enough for him to actually comment back or add anything to the thread, but clearly TANBHIR likes the like button.

Unfortunately since TANBHIR  (Who must be a serious fellow since his name is all CAPS) only wants to help me make money online so I did not return the favor and like him back. I also removed him from my followers list.

Sorry TANBHIR, but I’m not here to make money.

Better luck next time.

 

 

Have you ever gotten one of those gifts?

 

You know the ones I mean.

The  “Oh holy crap, did someone really just give me that?”  variety.

When I was a teenager I had an aunt who ran a department at Time/Life. She attended numerous publishing conventions and thought it was great fun to collect the freebies off the exhibitors tables and then wrap them up as gifts. Over the years I received Exxon pencil sets, IBM keychains, and Dow Chemical clipboards. I got Sheraton note paper and Hilton shampoo. I even unwrapped Army camouflage toilet paper for my birthday one year.

Good times.

 

 

But every once in a while, she would actually purchase something. Not a hardship, considering the woman had a blue chip stock portfolio as long as my arm.

When I was 15, she must have gone to a thrift store….because she came home and gifted me with a slightly used  “pretty blue and white porcelain thing.”

That’s what she called it, The Thing….. not knowing what it really was. When she apologized for the strong smell and told me I should probably wash it?

I realized it was a bong.

 

 

Okay, so she nailed it that time.

Me and The Thing had many happy years together.

But by far the most interesting and ludicrous gift she ever gave me was this book I found when cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago.

 

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She majored in English Lit at Smith and probably thought a collection of light hearted verse would be nice.

 

 

But sadly…

Attention to detail was not her strong suit.

As witnessed by the table of contents.

 

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Yeah.

When you have a chapter on buggery?

They’re not your mother’s limericks.

 

 

I’m not a prude, but wow.

Some of those rhymes make even me blush.

And as much as I’d like to share the truly colorful ones with you, I don’t want to get WordPress blacklisted.

So here’s a small sampling of the mildest instead.

 

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The moral of the story?

If you’re buying a book as a gift,  it’s probably a good idea to scan a few of the pages for content first.

That being said, if you’re ever in need of a filthy limerick…

I’m your girl.

 

 

See?

There’s a way to sneak Game of Thrones into everything.