Tag Archives: humor

This literally makes me twitch.

 

A few years ago my husband built a barn.

It’s a lovely barn….

 

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Complete with a farmer’s porch for me and my late afternoon book.

Or margarita.

(Who are we kidding?

I don’t always bring the book.)

 

 

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He’d never built anything before and aside from a few minor boo boos, it turned out very well.

The first floor was meant to house the riding lawn mower, 2 motorcycles, 3  push mowers, 2 weed wackers, a snow blower and other assorted tools.

That was why we built it. Because our old barn/shed is falling apart and we have no where else to put all those things.

 

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See?

When I say falling apart… I mean literally falling.

Needless to say the barn did not go up quickly. It was worked on nights and weekends…. and from the first footer to now?

 

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7 years.

And it’s still not really finished.

Last weekend the husband was back at it, putting up interior walls.

 

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Of course there’s a problem with the construction taking that long.

It gave the husband time to fill the barn with crap.

So much crap that not only is there no room for the lawn mowers and motorcycles…

There’s now barely enough room for him to put up walls.

 

 

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And that literally makes me twitch.

 

 

Why do you see an office chair, a microwave, a water cooler, a wagon wheel, a fold up bed, 2 metal wheelchair ramps, a driftwood tree and a card table in there?

Because someone was throwing them away….

And they were free.

 

 

Not pictured are 3 front doors, 2 locked safes without combinations, a potato planter, an 8 track tape player and a scale for weighing bags of grain.

Will he be planting potatoes or weighing grain bags while listening g to 8 track tapes?

No.

Will he be replacing our front door?

Hell no.

But apparently knowing he could is enough.

 

For those who are Thrones bereft.

 

Game of Thrones is over…

 

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And whether you loved the ending or not…

You have to admit, it was one helluva ride.

 

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But if you’re feeling sad…

Because Sunday nights no longer have a purpose?

Maybe this will help…

 

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A dragon lamp with different color “flames”.

For those times you really want to yell Dracarys.

 

 

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Yes, they exist.

 

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And the description is blog worthy in and of itself.

 

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Well, I do love lots of Game of Thrones.

And I wouldn’t mind making a dragon gift to my friends.

But the fact that it’s made of high quality plastic? With good detailization?

Plus! Plus!

 

And face it, now that season 8 is finished….

It’s as close to dragons as any of us are going to get.

 

 

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When I die….

 

My epitaph shall read:

Here lies River

She was swallowed by a quince bush.

 

 

 

This is the bush from Hell that lives and multiplies like a rabbit on our property.

 

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Every fall we wack it down to a manageable level, and every spring it comes back with a vengeance.

 

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Yes, the blooms are lovely.

 

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And yes, the bumblebees enjoy it.

 

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Pardon the bee butt shots. Apparently they’re camera shy.

 

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But damn.

It’s only June and the pink spawn of Satan is already reaching the roof line.

 

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So if I should disappear this summer?

Grab a machete and come get me….

 

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It’s already got three window exits blocked.

 

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I fear the doors are next.

 

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Did you know…

 

In 1700’s London, you could purchase insurance against going to Hell?

Proof positive there’s a policy for everything.

 

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And yes, it’s that time again.

 

 

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President Andrew Jackson’s parrot Poll cursed so loudly during his master’s funeral he had to be removed.

Parrots…

You never know what the little bastards will do.

 

 

The LEGO company was founded in Denmark in the 1930’s.

It’s name is an abbreviation for the words leg godt which mean “play well”.

 

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A crocodile’s tongue is attached to the roof of it’s mouth so it doesn’t accidentally bite it when snapping down on prey.

 

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There is a canine condition known as Frito Feet.

It’s a bacterial foot infection that smells like corn chips.

Sorry Fido.

 

 

 

In ancient Greece women counted their age from the day they were married.

This works for me.

I’m 35.

 

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The Hawaiian alphabet only contains 12 letters. Five vowels and seven consonants.

You’d think that would make spelling their names easier, but it doesn’t.

 

 

The most common name for a goldfish in America is Jaws.

 

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Because I’m a very technical gardener.

 

My back is breaking, but the annual planting of annuals is done.

(See what I did there? Word play. I live for that shit.)

 

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A nice combination of pink and white for the stone wall bed.

 

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There’s this pretty daisy-ish one…

 

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And the pink tinged green leafy thingies.

 

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(See what I mean by technical?

Please try to keep up with the detailed scientific plant descriptions.

There may be a quiz.)

 

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I liked this purple violet thingamabob…

 

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So I planted 3 with a couple of petunias.

 

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A few coleus for the only little plot of shade we have.

 

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It will be a miracle if I can keep the slugs off them this year.

I plant, they eat. Slimy little bastards…

Note to self – buy more salt.

 

 

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Orange lilies…

 

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Spikey purple whatchamacallit, an impatient and two soft fuzzy green mounds.

 

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I don’t think the fuzzies bloom…

 

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But they’re silky, delicate and sweet, so I don’t care.

 

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Every year the husband says he’s going to tear down our rotting shed, and every year he doesn’t, so I plant yellow and orange stuff in front of it.

Like this whozit which has both.

 

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If you can recite all the Latin names for those plants?

Bravo.

I tend to read them on the tags at the nursery and then forget them as soon as I get home.

 

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That won’t work.

I don’t know enough rappers.

 

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That’s better.

I do love me some Cleese.

 

 

 

 

 

Good grief, what next?

 

I know this has been a “thing” for a while…

But I’m just getting around to mocking it.

Apologies for the tardiness, but there’s just too much crazy out there for a girl to keep up.

A.S.M.R.

Autonomous sensory meridian response.

Definition:

 

 

 

 

 

A.S.M.R.

Because just when I think I’ve seen everything….

Thousands of people step up to prove me wrong.

Apparently, he likes me.

 

Sometimes WordPress makes me laugh because I follow a lot of funny people.

 

 

Sometimes it makes me laugh because a lot of funny people follow me.

 

 

And sometimes it makes me laugh for totally unexpected reasons.

Like the other day when I clicked my notifications and saw this:

 

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Clearly I must make TANBHIR laugh because he liked the hell out of every comment I made on one of my old posts.

Every single comment.

That’s a lot of laughing.

 

 

Not enough for him to actually comment back or add anything to the thread, but clearly TANBHIR likes the like button.

Unfortunately since TANBHIR  (Who must be a serious fellow since his name is all CAPS) only wants to help me make money online so I did not return the favor and like him back. I also removed him from my followers list.

Sorry TANBHIR, but I’m not here to make money.

Better luck next time.