Tag Archives: humor

Yay for me.


The understanding wife.

I recently celebrated a birthday. (Okay, there was more silent cursing of my advancing years than actual celebrating, but you get the idea.)

The husband had some lovely flowers delivered…




Which have opened quite nicely since then.




As well as a really large card.




The phrase “size doesn’t matter” clearly has no meaning for my other half, as evidenced by his gift.




A monstrously large  (not to mention monstrously expensive)  Breville appliance.

I must have made the mistake of muttering under my breath about needing a new toaster oven recently… because boy, I’ve got one now.




It’s like that old Ginsu knife they used to advertise ad nauseam in the 80’s. It slices, it dices, it cleans your fish.




But… but…

While I appreciate the thought, all I really wanted was toast.

So I unpacked and played with my new toy in between doing hair and makeup and getting ready to go out to dinner as we always do on my  damn it, don’t remind me I’m older  birthday.

Except…. (here comes the understanding wife part) my kind, considerate husband called to say his friend at the office won Bruins tickets and he’d like to go with him down to Boston for the night.



Yes, he’s a brave soul.


#1…. I turned … never mind what I turned. Suffice it to say it’s generally not an easy age for women.

#2…. I just weaned myself off my estrogen patch a few weeks ago and, have been  experiencing uncontrollable psychotic rages  a little moody.

#3…. I had planned on a few celebratory cocktails. (Which no one should get in the way of and expect to live.)

Regardless, he plowed ahead with all the reasons he should attend while I listened quietly and agreed. The ever understanding wife.

That being said, let me leave you with a word of advice gentlemen….




We women have long memories.


Dockside Grille


Don’t you love finding a great restaurant?




In a great spot….




With a great view…




And great natural light…


IMG_0853 (Edited)


With great lobster art…




And great planters….


IMG_0860 (Edited)


As well as great signs?





Not quite.




There were great drinks…




Great crab cakes…




Great mussels…

(So great I only got pictures of the shells.)


IMG_0843 (Edited)


More great drinks..




Great salads with rosemary garlic chicken…


IMG_0845 (Edited)


And great broiled haddock sandwiches….




But wait, there’s more.



There was great dessert…


IMG_0848 (Edited)


Really, really great Kahlua cake…..




Am I making myself clear here?




Okay, good.

I wasn’t sure I was getting that point across.






Everyone hates spam. In all it’s various incarnations….

Our mailboxes are full of it.




Our inboxes are full of it.




Our voice messages are full of it.




And heck, nobody ever liked this kind.




(Yes, I realize you can’t unsee that. You’re welcome.)

So why is it that I get a kick out of WordPress spam?

I mean, seriously… I do. They’re a riot.

Let’s break them down.

Example #1. – From Casino Malaysia

“How’s it going dignifying
anyone, but only oneself. Having a self esteem you
are smart enough to face challenges”

How’s it going? Just fine, thank you for asking. I try to dignify myself at least once a week and like to think I’m smart enough to face challenges. Like figuring out what the hell you’re trying to say.




Example #2 – From 918kiss

“All successful traders possess a solid plan by which to run their business.
If you continue your relationship with one, you alienate the former.
Remain caring and sharing to tie him magnified you.”

So if I care and share, I can tie him up and magnify him? Like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids but in reverse?




Example #3 – From Rollex11 download

“Another is actually that fresh website owners is keyword stuffing wil
read a connected with keywords.”


All I got out of this was stuffing.





Comedy gold, for free.

You just have to know where to look.





A simple question…

What’s up with Band Aids, and why does the product want me to bleed to death?

Seriously, what did I ever do to them?

I cut myself the other day….

It looked something like that, except my finger was in the way and there was a lot more blood.


Okay, not that much. But enough so I had to run to the medicine cabinet to try and staunch the bleeding.

Have you ever tried to open a BandAid with one hand?

It’s  harder than Richard Simmons at an all you can eat buffet  not easy.


And after multiple attempts, some very colorful language and a splatter pattern on the walls and floor certain to stump CSI….


I gave up and wrapped my finger in a paper towel, cursing the Band Aid brand and it’s ridiculous packaging.

And as I was cleaning up the spilled blood? I swore I heard…. somewhere in a Highland Park, New Jersey cemetery…. Earle Dickson laughing.

(Earle Dickson invented the BandAid in 1920 for his wife who was always cutting herself in the kitchen. Clearly, he wanted her to bleed out as well.)

(Serious research there friends. I just don’t phone these posts in…..)

Let’s talk about poop.


( Bet you’re wishing I was still on vacation, eh?)

I was Christmas shopping with a friend the other day and we noticed a disturbing trend…




I passed off the first sighting of a poop themed gift as a fluke.




But then I saw this…




And this.




And while I admit a hovering pile of poop drone might be inventive, even slightly creative….. I can’t honestly say I want one flying overhead anytime soon.

I also do not want to stack, or write with poop.




And if that just wasn’t enough poop to satisfy you…

How about some pink girly poop?




Made all the more disturbing by the cryptic packaging.

What the hell is going on there….

Is that a mouth with teeth?

Are you supposed to chew the poop?

Or is the poop coming out of the nostrils?





And mind you these were not seen in toy stores, where at least a fondness for poop could be explained….but in adult sections of book stores and various department stores in the mall.

Anyway you look at it, it’s disgusting. Or at the very least… childishly stupid. I gave up potty humor at age 4, you should too.

I know the world may seem like it’s going down the toilet lately, but this is one gift giving idea I hope gets flushed.

Ding dong, the diet is dead.


Okay, so I wasn’t really on a diet.

(That’s a four letter word in our house…. and one I try to refrain from using. It’s vulgar and quite upsetting.)

But I was trying to watch what I ate lately so as not to frighten any holiday party goers I haven’t seen all year. Nothing like an abominable snowman waddling into your Christmas soiree to put the evening off kilter.






The culprit?


(…and let me preface it by saying I had never eaten a Ding Dong before in my life.)

(Stop snickering. You know what I mean.)





But I skipped lunch and went grocery shopping hungry last week….



(Shut up Justin, I know that now.)

And grabbed the first high calorie, sugary sweet, instant gratification I could find.





I had one on the way home.

And one after dinner that night.

And yes, one for breakfast the next morning. Don’t judge.

At first I wanted to rail at all my friends for never telling me of it’s high fructose chemically enhanced goodness.

I was in a sugar induced haze.



Where had it been all my life?

But then, when I’d finished half the box and could hardly walk past the cabinet without salivating,  (I swear I heard them calling me by name)

I realized –

I was hooked by white crack!

I saw my future.  A 350lb addict walking the streets with a 3 a day habit, shaking from sugar withdrawal and Jonesing for a fix.  Accosting perfect strangers, begging for a taste. It wasn’t pretty.

So I heaved them in the trash then and there. And took the trash out to the garage before I changed my mind.

Heed my warning friends… don’t be tempted.

Run… don’t walk, past the White Fudge Ding Dongs on your grocer’s shelf.



Don’t be taken in by their siren song, wear ear plugs if you must.

Ignore my advice at your peril.

There’s only room for one abominable at every party, and it’s going to be me.



What fresh Hell is this?


Do you ever wonder, “Why does this crap always happen to me?”

It seems to be the story of my life. When I had a simple hospital procedure that you can go home an hour after completion? I started to bleed out, set off a code blue and heard the doctor say,




When my new car died unexpectedly a week after I bought it and had to be towed to the shop? It sat there for days because no one could figure what was wrong. The mechanics all said,




Yes. I’m the girl who goes to a party, bellies up to the buffet line… only to have the table leg collapse and crash onto her foot.


IMG_1237 (Edited)


To which the host replied….




So when I went to Verizon to buy a new cell phone last week, I should have known things would not go smoothly. I chose the iPhone XR, and the tech set it up for me with no problem.

By the next day? Problem.




I think we’ve established the fact that I take a lot of pictures. And while I always upload them to my computer, I do tend to keep a lot on the phone itself. (Okay, I keep thousands of pictures. But I have the storage capacity, so who cares?)

My new phone was happily restoring from iCloud  when I got home, until it wasn’t. It froze after loading less than half my pics. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I kept getting an alert message saying my storage was almost full. What? 9,304 pics on my iPhone 6 took up 2.2g of space… and now the newer,  expensive A.F.  better XR is saying 3,708 pics are taking up over 50g? Not possible.

So I gave it a few more days but nothing changed. Which led me to live chat with Apple support for 3 hours on a Sunday. I went through 5 different techs, a supervisor, and a senior advisor. Boy, that was  like having a hot sauce enema  fun. None of them knew what was going on… and to a man all said,




They even had a specialist call me on the phone and try to walk me through solutions remotely. Nothing. He kept telling me to download the new software…. which you can’t do if it’s actively restoring. When he tried to force it through my computer, the session timed out.

I know we have a broadband connection out here in Boonsville, but still,




The Apple geniuses were stumped. And I wasn’t pleased.

The specialist basically washed his hands of me, told me to take it back to Verizon and oh yeah, when I figured out what the problem was… call back and explain it to them.



Bright and early Monday morning I was at Verizon bitching up a storm, only to have their tech tell me he had over 12,000 pics on his XR and… you guessed it,




He conferred with all the other techs and they decided it was a speed and/or interruption issue. When they had set the phone up in the store it was drawing on their high speed connection, when I left the store it was drawing on my cellular data, and when I got home it was drawing on my  slow as a Wal Mart line at Christmas  broadband wifi. That’s 3 different speeds and basically there was so much being pushed…. it  said screw this went haywire. They fiddled with the phone, did some ninja warrior tech stuff I couldn’t keep up with and got the storage level back to normal at 1.47 g.  But I still only had half my pics and that was the original problem!



I was told to go home, wipe the phone completely back to default and start a new restore while on a steady, one source connection. It was also suggested I go into iCloud and delete unwanted photos. ( WTF? Is there such a thing? )

So here I sit, slogging through 9,304 iCloud pictures unhappily hitting delete at the speed of …




And you wonder why I drink?