Different day…
Different beverage….
Same deer paying absolutely no attention to us when we mow the lawn.
*Rest assured no alcoholic beverages were consumed while operating heavy machinery.
Or light machinery.
Or, Hell…. even the stove now that we bought a new grill.*
Life is good.
My slightly twisted, but delightfully so, friend Masercot has just nominated me for this:
For which I will be sticking pins in a doll of his likeness and waiting for parts of him to drop off eternally grateful.
You know the drill, I have to answer questions.
Thankfully… because he’s twisted, this won’t be the hardship it normally is.
Let’s begin.
If you could choose any historical figure to hold your hair out of the toilet while you drunkenly vomit at a party, who would it be and why?
I’m going to have to go with Lord Byron. The man drank his liquor out of a cup made from a human skull. You have to admire that kind of commitment.
If you HAD to own a pet and it couldn’t be a dog or a cat, to what country would you flee to escape such a fascist regime. Remember that “Canada” is not an acceptable answer.
Australia…. where my dream pet wombats roam free.
What is your favorite, currently active, credit card number?
Nice try. But you know my only form of currency is tequila. If I can’t buy it with a perfectly mixed margarita? I don’t need it.
You’ve been told you will be allowed to join Trump’s Space Force if you sleep with a Marx Brother and Zeppo is not available. Which do you sleep with and why?
Can’t we just jettison Trump into space and call it good?
If you had to recommend an illegal drug to the youth of America, which drug would it be and how?
Blogging. It’s horribly addicting…. but so satisfying.
Do you think pound cake is overrated?
Only if it weighs 14 ounces.
Do you like Aquaman’s new look or do you prefer the blonde hair and tights?
I actually sat through the entire new Aquaman movie. Sober. Need I say more?
In keeping with tradition (and not because I want to force my friends to share the misery that are these never ending awards) I shall post the rules.
Display the award logo
Thank the blogger who nominated you and post a link to their blog
Answer the questions of the one who nominated you
Nominate some bloggers
Ask them seven questions
I will now gleefully nominate:
James because I had to sit through an entire months worth of Star Wars posts and he owes me.
liveandletthai since he’s always whining not enough people read his blog and just discovered he can make alcohol from dried hibiscus blossoms. You never know when that will come in handy.
clevergirlwrites she’s clever, and a girl. We need to stick together.
Boo because we’ve been blog friends a long time and I like to harass her long distance.
swingedcat he makes me laugh and posts bison photos. Friends like that are harder to find than you think.
My questions:
Would any of you be willing to let a slightly pissed off red squirrel and her children rent a room? The sooner the better, I’m getting hateful looks.
If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner/significant other/blow up girlfriend what would it be, and why?
Can you talk me into eating kale in 50 words or less? I know you can’t, but it will be fun to see you try.
You win an all expense paid trip for two to Antarctica, do you bring a Kardashian or Caitlyn Jenner?
By some strange twist of fate, you’re elected President of the United States in 2020. What’s your first executive order?
And finally, if you’ve made it this far…. why do bloggers feel compelled to keep this award thing going when none of us really like them?
Wait…. what!
You mean I didn’t have to?
Sure, now you tell me.
Clearly, everything.
As evidenced by this product a FB friend bought for her family.
Well, you have to admit…. it’s catchy.
And I suppose techies will enjoy having a set of controls to play with while on the throne.
But what tickled me the most (while performing the due diligence blog research my readers have come to expect but neither care about nor want) was the ad campaign.
Save money on toilet paper!
Very timely.
Have you ever seen something for sale and thought, WTH?
I do this quite often and feel it’s my duty to share.
The first strange item is called Q-flex.
And while I agree no one wants knots in their back, you have to admit this just looks…. wrong.
It seems to be 1/3 shepherd’s staff, 1/3 haying scythe, and 1/3 hook from your great grandfather’s old vaudeville act. Anyway you look at?
Wrong.
Next up? A tongue cleaner.
Holy crap! If your is turning brown and you can scrape that much disgusting residue from it’s surface?
Bad breath might not be the only malady you’re suffering.
A posture remedy is next in line.
Admit it, posture realignment wasn’t the first thing you thought of when you saw this was it?
So wrong.
This next item simply boggles my mind.
The magic of a corner piece? What kind of freak would buy this!
Everyone knows all the fudgy goodness is found in the middle.
Epically wrong.
And finally, there’s a product that you’ve no doubt seen before.
This requires no explanation, and while I can’t personally attest to its wrongness…. I did find one of it’s reviews more than a little amusing.
Clearly this poor fellow had an issue.
Because when Taco Bell doesn’t end in the appropriate volcanic eruption? You know you need help.
Have Squatty, Will Travel.
Go west young man, and poop in peace.
Lately, it’s like they’re not even trying.
I know the viral pandemic and toilet paper apocalypse have generally made people lazy, but really.
Even the spammers are phoning it now.
32 spam messages on one post, and they all say the same thing.
Where’s the fun in that!
And for the record?
I have no idea how you can log in, so stop asking.
Have you noticed how everyone is posting their favorite recipes online lately?
Quarantine fever is driving everyone into the kitchen and they just can’t wait to share.
Every time I look I’m inundated with pleas of, “Try this, you’ll love it!” or “Our family’s favorite. You won’t be disappointed!”
In truth, I rarely love it…. and am more often than not disappointed.
Friends are always extolling the virtues of kale, tumeric, tofu and other completely unappealing things…
And after the recipe I saw yesterday?
I realize I simply need new friends.
Yeah.
I’m pretty sure parsnip spice cake won’t be happening in our kitchen any time soon.
I’m speaking of the (oh so helpful) post I did the other day about that most wonderful product…… the butt mask.
I hate to say it, but I’m afraid that bit me in the ass.
You see, right after I posted it? I noticed I had a few new followers:
Not the shoe woman or the wine lover… those are totally understandable.
No, I’m talking about Pistol Pete.
Whose blogs are a little out of my area of expertise.
Am I ready for men’s thong underwear?
No, Pete. I most assuredly am not.
And if Pete wasn’t bad enough? I also picked up his alter ego Daniel Alexander.
I must not know about this.
Really. I mustn’t.
Nothing. There’s no occasion that calls for male G string underwear.
Office party? Nope!
Dinner with friends? Nyet!
Your mother in law’s birthday? Well, maybe….
I’ll throw this one over to my male readers.
What do you say guys… are they comfortable?
In closing, the moral of the story is….
Don’t blog about butt masks.
And say goodbye to Pistol Pete as fast as you can.
You can thank me later.
I was flipping through a magazine the other day and saw this little blurb of a review.
Needless to say, I was perplexed.
Buttne?
Exfoliating ass masks?
Excuse me while I crawl back under my rock where such things don’t exist.
Yes…. it’s a real thing.
And according to the description? Will get your behind ready for prime time.
Here’s a helpful product review.
So if you’re looking for a new beauty regime… or if your posterior just needs a little freshening up?
You know who to thank.
I ran across a catalog for continuing education the other day, and because I used to have a totally ridiculous blog series about this, I had to look.
The series started here back in August of ’18 with a class on Spoonbending.
Shows what you know Junior. There’s a whole class devoted to that spoon.
Yes. An actual college class, I’m not lying.
(Or drinking… go figure.)
So when I saw this current class being offered, it simply begged to be blogged about.
Spoon Carving Level 2
Up your spoon carving skills and build on what was learned
in your previous spoon-carving class. This time around you’ll
carve a deeper serving spoon, as well as practice additional
refining and finishing. Prerequisites: Previous woodworking
experience or Spoon Carving, Beginner. Material fee of $15
included in the price of the course.
Wednesday, beginning Oct. 16, from 6 to 9 p.m. for 3 weeks
Cost: $75
Clearly our college is still obsessed with spoons.
Well, that may be a different class entirely.
“Up your spoon carving skills?”
Who said I had any to begin with.
“Carve a deeper serving spoon?”
Hell, that’s totally worth $75.
And I’m sorry…
But you know there can only be one possible instructor for this class –
Who would invent such a thing?
What would make them think this was a good idea?
And why would anyone ever want to buy it?
Wonder what I’m talking about?
It’s this:
Yes.
You read that correctly.
Brewers in Poland have developed a fermented beer made from the vaginal lactic acid of beautiful women.
Doesn’t that sound yummy?
If you want to read more about it….. here.
The entire idea is as ridiculous as it is disgusting, which is why I had to blog about it.
Because if this crap has to rattle around in my brain?
I need to make sure it rattles around in yours as well.
