Tag Archives: pest

This bitch has got to go.

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Every Sunday night I kick the husband off the big tv in the living room and stay up late binge watching a bunch of recorded series. I don’t watch a lot of television, but I am addicted to a few HBO, Starz and Showtime programs that my other half hates.

So Monday is the one morning I sleep past 5:00am… and I relish my extra 2 hours. But this Monday morning? I was woken by a noise.

Scratching. And banging. Then more scratching.

I grumbled, I stumbled, I got out of bed and I found this….

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The red squirrel bitch from Hell. She had scaled the bush alongside the house and was scrambling up and down the screen, over and over. And then?

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She just hung there.

Taunting me.

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That bitch has got to go.

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She doesn’t give up.

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Neither snow nor rain… nor frigid temperatures will stop the red squirrel from Hell.

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She was scurrying over the roof and across the deck railing…

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Trying to make her way to the seed buffet.

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But this snow was light, fluffy and thick and every time she tried to walk across it?

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She fell through.

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And yes, I laughed my rapidly expanding, thank you Covid 19 ass off.

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But she had the last laugh.

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Because the bitch has learned to tunnel.

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She tunneled for over an hour.

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Back and forth.

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Building an entire red squirrel subway line.

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This doesn’t bode well for my dream of her dying of starvation over the winter.

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Or the safety of our home’s foundation for that matter.

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If I wake up next month with her sitting at the kitchen table nibbling my Krispy Kreme’s? Things are going to get real.

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What fresh Christmas Hell is this…?

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Since the husband and I usually travel for Christmas, I haven’t done decorations for years. Wreaths in the windows, a few snowflake lights on the barn and a Charlie Brown tree on the table was as much enthusiasm as I could muster this season.

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And when you’ve been married as long as we have (37 years in a few weeks) presents aren’t a big deal either. We’re lucky enough to buy what we want, when we want (and he still doesn’t know my taste in jewelry) so we took a pass on that as well.

There is however one gift that keeps on giving.

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Yes, after a prolonged absence in which I continually prayed for her earthly demise…

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She was back on Christmas Eve. Looking for a way into the house.

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And taunting me…

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The little bitch.

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So if she comes down the chimney wearing a Santa hat today? I won’t be held responsible.

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No. It most definitely is not…

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