I decided to try one of those cheap washable rugs.
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It arrived folded in a square and had instructions to lay it flat with heavy books for a few hours to press out the creases, but after a few cursory stretches and smoothing gestures it was good to go.
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Under the dining table, which is when I realized it was just a tad too small. Am I the only person for whom standard sizes never work?
I’ll replace it eventually, but right now I’m struggling to find the right placemats.
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⬆️ are too autumnal for spring.
⬇️ are too turquoise.
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⬇️ have all the right colors but aren’t quite right.
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Oh well, at least the rug passed the Lord Dudley Mountcatten test.
Since I hadn’t heavily decorated the inside of our house for the holidays in a few years… I’d forgotten what a time sucking nightmare it was to put everything away.
Three days after I started…
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With help from Lord Dudley Mountcatten…. I was done.
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And after buying a fresh cut ( I use that term loosely) tree from a roadside stand instead of cutting our own as we usually do, I’m seriously cursing needle drop again.
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While I do love a real Christmas tree…
( Note the lack of snow and abundance of green grass in our yard. In Maine. In January! 😠 )
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I do not love clogging up my vacuum with 20lbs of dry needle droppings. Though I have to admit, it does smell wonderful.
If it stood still.. I used to decorate it for Christmas. I’ve strung lights on roofs, railings, windows, stone walls, mailbox posts and well houses. I’ve had lighted reindeer, snowflakes, trees, snowmen, holly leaves and yes, an alligator.
Trust me when I say stringing lights and keeping them lit is a full time job in Maine winters. It’s not for the faint hearted and over the years I’ve simply lost the will. These days I throw some wreaths on the windows and doors, some candles in the windows and call it good.
But every once in a while I’ll see something that makes me want to decorate again…
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Christmas chickens!
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You have to admit… that’s different.
And while I don’t have a farm, I do have a large barn where those birds would look right at home.
A friend gave me a reindeer for my birthday a few years ago.
Sadly it wasn’t a real one, just a Christmas decoration in a box.
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Ironically, the timing of this gift coincided with my I’m tired of fighting with f*cking lights that don’t stay lit, snowflakes that flip up on the roof and trees that spend more time lying on the ground than standing up change of heart about festive displays… but for some unfathomable reason, I decided to break it out of its box and put it to use this year.
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Easy to assemble? My ever widening ass. The legs wobbled, the antlers kept falling off and the stabilizing bars didn’t stabilize anything.
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Did I mention how pleased my husband was to secure said reindeer in the first snowfall of the season? It just started when I was taking pictures, but trust me.. it was cold, wet and windy.
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The stakes that come in the box? Useless. The wind blew the deer over as soon as we finished.
Solution?
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Drill screws into a flat stump and zip tie the reindeers legs to them for anchorage.
The decorating gods laughed and said, nice try suckers… and blew it over again.
Enter the sledgehammer.
I thought that might be for my head….
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But thankfully it was just to pound two thick iron stakes in the ground. ( side note – those suckers aren’t coming up until spring )
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A roll of safety wire and 20 frozen fingers later…
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There is a lighted reindeer on our front lawn.
Whether he will still be standing there tomorrow is anyone’s guess.
Since the husband and I usually travel for Christmas, I haven’t done decorations for years. Wreaths in the windows, a few snowflake lights on the barn and a Charlie Brown tree on the table was as much enthusiasm as I could muster this season.
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And when you’ve been married as long as we have (37 years in a few weeks) presents aren’t a big deal either. We’re lucky enough to buy what we want, when we want (and he still doesn’t know my taste in jewelry) so we took a pass on that as well.
There is however one gift that keeps on giving.
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Yes, after a prolonged absence in which I continually prayed for her earthly demise…
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She was back on Christmas Eve. Looking for a way into the house.
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And taunting me…
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The little bitch.
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So if she comes down the chimney wearing a Santa hat today? I won’t be held responsible.
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No. It most definitely is not…
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Where there's only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.