.
Melatonin, a common sleep aid.
.
.
I admit to trying it years ago when my insomnia was full blown, but I didn’t have any noticeable results and promptly forgot about it.
.
.
So imagine my surprise when I saw this ad for scented sheets..
.
.
Surreal giant crab nightmares?
.
.
Damn.
.
.
I always miss out on all the good stuff.
.
.
.
Apologies to my male readers, but this really needs to be shared.
.
.
Kegel exercises have now gone digital.
.
.
Yes, you read that correctly.
.
.
Video games for your pelvic floor. And thanks to me, you’ll never look at a joystick the same way again.
.
.
Easy to follow directions are helpful.
.
.
But the reviews are a complete riot.
.
.
Almost worth the Hell I’ll have to pay for clicking on them.
.
.
Now I totally want to make my significant other fly across the room.
.
.
Ha!
Women rule, no doubt about it.
.
.
Finally, something worth exploring.
.
.
Hmm…
.
.
Pomegranate wine sounds intriguing… but Gatorade Chablis?
The horror!
And speaking of horrors.
.
.
Butt deodorant is back.
.
.
Bacteria is digesting my bodily fluids?
Holy crap.
I’m going to need a lot of homemade wine.
.
.
Yes, after posting one cute Dudley Mountcatten picture…. Facebook has decided that I need to see all the ridiculous things cat owners purchase while genuflecting before the altar of their furry diety.
.
.
No.
I’m sorry, but I feel absolutely no need to cuddle a stuffed cat log. Although, they would make an interesting club to whack the husband with when he gets out of line.
.
.
Oh no, Hell no.
While I did chortle over the plethora of Bernie in his quintessentially New England winter attire memes, I have no desire for a personalized cat version on my wall.
.
.
Hmm. Dead rodent door knocker? Only if it comes in a red squirrel version…
.
.
This has got to be the most bizarre cat toy ever.
.
.
And while I have to admit plugging a fish into my computer does hold a certain attraction….
.
.
I think it’s safe to say the minute that fish started flapping Lord Dudley would run for the hills.
.
.
But damn, look how joyful it made this particular feline.
.
.
Should we further contemplate why this cat is so deliriously happy to have a vibrating tuna on his lap?
I think not.
.
.
.
I clicked on the video.
But in my defense…. how could I not? It had a talking ass that wasn’t a politician. That’s a rare thing these days.
.
.
I knew it would be bad, I knew! But I clicked on it anyway… and boy, I wasn’t wrong.
There were directions.
.
.
And the aforementioned chatty butt holes.
.
.
(Who dreams up these things?)
.
.
They were quite explicit about where the offending odors originate.
.
.
But by the time I reached this part of the video?
.
.
I had to turn it off. With the knowledge that I’ve doomed myself to a slew of bizarre Facebook ads for months to come.
.
.
The crazy cat lady Facebook algorithm is in full swing.
.
.
Does my furniture require cat feet stockings?
.
.
It most definitely does not.
.
.
That goes the same for my feet….
.
.
And my lips.
.
.
Cat ear beret? Okay, I admit I could almost see myself wearing that.
.
.
Is it me, or does this cat look like he’s plotting his owner’s slow and painful dismemberment?
.
.
Unisex? On what planet….
.
.
But there.
At least they got something right.
.
.
Turnabout is fair play, right?
So after all those awful Ball Wash ads I kept getting I suppose this was inevitable.
.
.
A pain free ride?
I’m not sure whether to be relieved…
Or scared.
.
.
I’ve been known to say all men’s cologne smells the same.
Well now I’ve been proven wrong.
.
.
Fat Electrician cologne. For those special nights when smelling like anything other than a wet dog just won’t do.
.
.
And if Eau de le Wet Schnauzer isn’t bad enough?
There’s this:
.
.
What the….
What?
🤢
.
.
Because the ball wash ads weren’t bad enough.
.
.
Now I’m seeing this on my Facebook feed.
.
.
Butt incense and polite bacteria?
Sorry, I find them both rude.
.
.
Oh, look. Bright colors and assorted flavors.
.
.
My privates do indeed go everywhere I go (except my uterus which I left at the hospital 5 years ago) but they will continue to go without butt incense for the foreseeable future.
Of this I’m sure.
.
