Tag Archives: marketing

Anyone want a cuppa?

 

I read an article the other day about one of the world’s most expensive teas.

Yes, tea.

Those lovely little leaves you drop into hot water and steep.

 

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Pure ambrosia….

As long as it’s not the dishwater my MIL used to drink.

 

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If you’re drinking tea? For God’s sake, drink tea.

I love tea, and am always intrigued to try a new one.

Except the one I read about the other day. It was called PET, short for Panda Ecological Tea. This particular tea sells for $200 a cup….. and if that’s not enough to frighten you away, the fact that’s it’s grown in China and is fertilized entirely with panda poo should be.

Apparently pandas poo 40 – 50 times a day, so I’m guessing supply isn’t an issue.

 

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Grown high in the Ya’an mountainous region of Sichuan China, the panda manure tea—or Panda Ecological Tea (PET) by its formal name—is said to be smooth, and offer health benefits because of the way that pandas digest bamboo in the wild—which leaves around 70% of the nutrients in their dung, not their bodies.

 

Panda manure has also been shown to carry bacteria that break down organic waste more effectively than any other known source. One experiment showed that the bacteria broke 100 kilograms of waste down into 3 kilograms after only a 17 week period, with only carbon dioxide and water byproducts. Researchers think that there is a market for this organic compound capable of reducing waste by 96%, but whether or not organic tea at $200 per cup is the answer, is questionable.

 

Questionable?

Probably.

Although you can’t fault the marketing campaign….

 

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It’s simply delightful.

And while I was researching this topic?

 

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I stumbled across another panda poo product…

 

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A new type of luxury facial tissue made with recycled Panda feces is set to be launched in China.

The bizarre product, called “Panda poo,” will retail at for $6.54 a box, ten times the price of ordinary tissue paper.

Addressing concerns of skeptics who may find it unhygenic to wipe their faces with feces, Zhou said that there are many processes in place to ensure the product is ready for consumption. After washing and streaming, the paper will be sterilized in high temperatures.

 

Panda poo.

Who knew it was so versatile?

 

Things you really don’t need.

 

You…

Or anyone else for that matter.

 

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I’m guessing the Kardashian’s have closets full of those…

 

 

But probably not these.

 

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Pokemon friendly leather.

That means plastic… right?

 

This next item said you’d be the envy of all your friends if you had one.

 

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I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if you own an enamel pin collection?

You probably don’t have many friends to begin with.

 

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Do I need to wake up pouting?

Probably not.

 

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I also don’t want to walk around smelling like birthday cake all day.

Christ…

I have a hard enough time avoiding cake as it is.

 

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Now this I could get behind….

But only if I didn’t tell my friend the purpose, and randomly make her lamp go on and off long distance.

*Cue evil laugh*

 

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I’m not sure how blue I’d have to be to enjoy this…

But thankfully I’m not there yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can they spare it?

 

Have you ever shopped Origins?

It’s a high end supposedly all natural line of skin care, scent etc.

 

 

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I stopped in the other day with a girlfriend and while she was buying, I was browsing.

Naturally I was stalked by a saleswoman.

If you know me, you’ll know I hate this… and if you trail me around like a blue tick hound?

I won’t buy anything just out of spite.

I’m in your store. With my wallet. There’s a good chance I’ll buy something if I like it… so leave me the hell alone.

She wouldn’t… so I didn’t.

Seeing her commission walk out the door was apparently too much for this woman, because as I was leaving she handed me a sample pack of products….

 

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With a long detailed description of how wonderful they were and how much I would love them.

It was a little mushroom heavy for my taste… but hey, free is free.

Free?

Maybe.

But when I got home and opened the samples?

 

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The quantity, or lack there of…. surprised even me.

 

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Sorry Origins.

I’d like to tell you I loved them…

But you didn’t give me nearly enough to find out.

 

 

 

 

Turns out you really can get anything from Amazon….

 

But sometimes, my question is this…

Why would you want to?

 

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Personally, I’ve never felt the need to shed my skin like a snake…

But okay, whatever floats your boat.

 

And while I enjoy a good bug museum as much as the next girl…

 

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I’ve never felt the need to actually snack on them.

Eww.

 

This one?

 

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I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it just looks…

Wrong.

 

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Likewise for Fred and friends dunking their nether regions in my cup of hot tea.

Just…

No.

 

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I could probably get behind the bread alignment pad…

 

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And sure.

Wine condoms, if anyone actually ever has leftover wine.

(Is that even possible?)

 

But this last one –

Is not only an affront to common decency…

But the ruination of every backyard bbq and clambake in my foreseeable future.

 

 

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Damn you Amazon…

I may never eat corn again.

 

 

 

 

Is this a thing?

 

Every once in a while I go shopping, see something…

And say whaaaaat?

Like this strange product I spotted at T.J.Maxx.

 

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Ear candles.

Do they set the mood for the intimate dinner parties I hold inside my head?

Or is it a new way to light someone’s cigarette?

WTH?

 

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Naturally relaxing?

Which part?

When the hot wax drips onto my face and burns away my eyebrows…

Or when the flame catches my hairspray on fire and I spontaneously combust?

I posted this ridiculous product on my FB page and immediately had 2 friends commented that they’d tried it.

(Note to self – re-examine criteria for picking friends)

One said she had it done at a spa. (Pay money for someone to light a candle and stick it in my ear? Not happening.)

The other said it has health benefits and it removed his ear wax. ( I researched this and there is no medical evidence to support the claim)

(It should also be noted this guy smokes a little weed)

(Okay, a lot of weed.)

This is how it supposedly works.

 

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“… patient might hear sizzling noise” ?

Yeah.

That’s either the sound of your brain frying….. or P.T. Barnum’s ghost dancing a jig in your ear canal.

I’m all for alternate remedies that don’t line the pocket of big pharma, but sorry.

The only way a flame is getting that near my face is if someone lights my Sambuca.

 

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