Tag Archives: sarcasm

Of sarcasm and gutters.

.

This store has my name written all over it.

.

.

My husband would tell you we don’t need any more sarcasm here, but I beg to differ.

.

.

And maybe that’s what was wrong with this month…. I didn’t make it my bitch.

Snow, rain, freeze, ice, melt, repeat.

.

.

And by repeat…. I mean I keep repeating fix the damn gutter! to my husband so I don’t have to listen to this all day long.

.


.

And in case you’re wondering what kind of weather we have in Maine?

.

.

That sums it up nicely.

.

Notebooks we all need.

.

Just in time for Christmas … I bring you the perfect stocking stuffers.

.

.

That one’s bound to fill up in no time.

.

.

I am so buying this for my husband.

.

.

Who in their right mind would want written proof of that?

Pass.

.

.

I may need 3 or 4 of these.

.

.

If you have an extra world take over plan kicking around, feel free to share. Mine are usually hatched after a pitcher of margaritas and tend to be less strategically sound when read sober.

.

.

No comment.

Hard pass.

.

.

Reason? When have I ever needed one of those…

.

Another subtle hint….

 

*Disclaimer – this post was written before the virus shut everything down*

 

A short time ago I wrote about the subtle hints that let you know you may be spending too much time at your local pub.

I’m afraid it’s ratcheted up considerably since then.

Let me preface this by saying it has been pointed out to me that sometimes.… I can be a little hard to take.

 

download

 

I know.

It’s shocking, but true.

So when I was being my usual charming self one afternoon in the recent past?

This:

 

IMG_E2949

 

A spoon figurine with his fork finger in the air was placed in front of me….

With a straw prominently placed so I couldn’t miss the message.

This leads me to believe the bartender/owner has become entirely too comfortable with yours truly.

Subtle hints.

It’s all about the subtle hints.

And just think…

I pay for this abuse!

 

IMG_0304

Is this a thing?

 

Every once in a while I go shopping, see something…

And say whaaaaat?

Like this strange product I spotted at T.J.Maxx.

 

IMG_E4168

 

Ear candles.

Do they set the mood for the intimate dinner parties I hold inside my head?

Or is it a new way to light someone’s cigarette?

WTH?

 

IMG_E4167

 

Naturally relaxing?

Which part?

When the hot wax drips onto my face and burns away my eyebrows…

Or when the flame catches my hairspray on fire and I spontaneously combust?

I posted this ridiculous product on my FB page and immediately had 2 friends commented that they’d tried it.

(Note to self – re-examine criteria for picking friends)

One said she had it done at a spa. (Pay money for someone to light a candle and stick it in my ear? Not happening.)

The other said it has health benefits and it removed his ear wax. ( I researched this and there is no medical evidence to support the claim)

(It should also be noted this guy smokes a little weed)

(Okay, a lot of weed.)

This is how it supposedly works.

 

do-ear-candles-work-for-clogged-ears-do-ear-candles-work-for-clogged-ears-ideas-a-minutes

 

“… patient might hear sizzling noise” ?

Yeah.

That’s either the sound of your brain frying….. or P.T. Barnum’s ghost dancing a jig in your ear canal.

I’m all for alternate remedies that don’t line the pocket of big pharma, but sorry.

The only way a flame is getting that near my face is if someone lights my Sambuca.

 

`1234

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s talk about Spam….

 

images

 

I have to admit, WordPress’s spam catcher is pretty effective.

Although, come on….

 

jhgyeuwi

 

They could have let that through.

So it never ceases to amaze me how many people and companies keep trying. I mean, yes… practice makes perfect.  And kudos to them for their tenacity, but today I had 33 spam messages trapped.

33.

6 of them from the pretty guinea pig.

Buy Amoxil 500mg Amoxicillin http://theprettyguineapig.com/amoxicillin/

Who clearly thinks I need an antibiotic.

 

987456512321

 

Damn…

That’s a disturbing thought.

Then there’s this cryptic example.

Research – good research is significant to buying
a reliable dress. With the drive comes the need of creation. It is unachievable
to “make” others happy, in but the. That is, as long as you follow that will. http://pro-social.ru/bitrix/redirect.php?event1=&event2=&event3=&goto=http://aidanharris.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php%3Fd=cuci.today

 

While I agree buying the right dress may require a little extra effort…

 

wedding-dress-from-60-amp-039-s_o_3055653

 

They lost me with  “It is unachievable
to “make” others happy, in but the. That is, as long as you follow that will.”

Maybe making others happy in the but is achievable.

Don’t scoff, everyone needs a life goal.

I was a little disappointed to see this flagged as Spam –

 

Frank
Frank

20 hours ago·

tunklitankli.com

Your site has exceptional content. I bookmarked the site

 

Because hey –

 

98765

 

 

This one surprised me –

taylor swift 22 live billboard
taylor swift 22 live billboard

It is often a fast-paced, high-risk trading option that potentially
gives substantial returns. This mentality will
absolutely move you killed.

 

Taylor Swift wants to kill me if I move?

 

70c5ff99fc5baf90890630bdf6ccd68a

 

Yeah, well… bite me Taylor.

You can’t keep a boyfriend and I’ve been married 35 years. Hope your Grammys keep you warm at night.

Then there are the never ending, non stop online casino ads.

These spammers are dedicated. Once they find you? They don’t let go…. but that’s okay. Because yes, they do make me laugh.

Texas hold em poker has slip on huge around turmoil.

 

Texas has huge slip ons?

 

 

920x920

 

That’s just wrong.

 

“…this is nonetheless not preferable to gamble by having an above exhausted head.”

Agreed.

I hate having an above exhausted head.

 

exhausted-cat-memes-6

 

..”When asked for advice, the nice I could offer was for him to continue
playing Gin using wife.”

I’m no marriage expert, but the only type of gin I want my husband to be playing with is this:

 

hACEDEBBA

 

 

And finally…

“Did the enemy team get Baron due to the fact nobody on the own group warded this?
Did an enemy stroll into five of yourself and pass on? Every tiny mistake needs for famous to create certain you can study.
To fail to Do that a lot of.”

Yes, the enemy team got Baron Trump, because really… who wants to deal with that dad on the sidelines?

I don’t remember the enemy strolling in and passing on. Let me ask my 4 other personalities and get back to you.

But…. help me out here. What does every tiny mistake need?

Even I can’t unpack that one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anne Taintor gets me.

 

Yes… she’s a Maine born, Harvard educated artist.

And yes… she addresses domestic stereotypes with humor and advertisements from a bygone era.

But ya know what?

This woman gets me.

 

IMG_9117

 

See what I mean?

 

IMG_9114

 

Shoes!

Her annual engagement calendar always has a prominent place on my desk and it never fails to make me smile.

 

IMG_9127

 

Oh, those perfect 1950’s housewives…. you know the ones –  perfectly coiffed, wearing high heels and pearls to wash dishes? The ones who got a little too excited over that new Hoover the husband bought them for their anniversary?

 

IMG_9120

 

I like to imagine they were thinking this way.

 

IMG_9123

 

I know I would have.

 

IMG_9115

 

And if my hubby gave me a Hoover on our anniversary?

 

IMG_9124

 

Yes, Anne.

You get me.

A Suc-It update….

 

 

Because you know you want one.

Remember my blog about that product with the delightfully tacky name?

Best or worse? You decide…

 

37105895_453039138507884_6714691242808049664_n

 

Well, it seems the inventor saw it and left a comment –

Erik

Hey so i actually invented the suc -it. It’s a great product for being hands free. Taking selfies is way easier, family photos, gps on a car and the uses go on and on. With the name comes uncharted waters I get it lol. It’s a universal silicone band that is a suction cup. It fits on to pretty much every phone . In the big picture it’s a pop socket on steroids and I apprecIate all the comments . Feedback is huge. Hope you all use one one day it’s really a great accessory

 

  • How fun is that?

    And apparently he feels very strongly about his brain child because…
Erik

We would love to send you one free of charge and have you use it . Would that work ?

Not particularly interested, I replied –
  • rivergirl1211

    rivergirl1211

    Well, if I’ve gone this long without having to Suc-It…. I think I’m good. But thanks for the offer!

Of course he’s a persistent guy…

 

  • Erik

    Erik

    Hey listen I appreciate the hustle you show and I admire everyone’s opinions . Ima bit flattered lol. I still want to send you two free of charge and have you use it and then give even more feedback on how great of a gadget it really is

So I thought…. maybe I really do need to Suc-It.

 

36746298_2193351420679337_104747444826275840_n

 

Okay, so now he’s speaking my language.

And then the inventor emailed me.

 

 

Clearly this guy feels passionately about me Suc-ing It.

And free is free, right?

Heck, if grandma can Suc It….

 

 

 

 

Then I should be able to as well.

So what do you think?

Should I Suc-It?

 

P.S. – For some reason the video of Grandma Suc-ing It doesn’t show up on the reader version of this post. Visit my site page for the full experience.

 

You’re never too old to learn…. Chakra Toning.

 

 

It’s that time again.

 

Untitled

 

Maine continuing education says tone up your Chakra!

 

 

Oops… my bad. Not that kind of toning.

********

Toning for Chakras and Wellbeing

Your voice is one of the most powerful tools of all to reset your entire being to natural healthy patterns. One of the most powerful ways of using the voice to stimulate healing is called toning. In this class you will be introduced to a number of different systems for toning your chakras. We will complete one full sequence together, it is simple, easy and really feels good. No discounts.

*********

Apologies to all the new age spiritual healers out there, but this sounds like utter nonsense.

Even the description is lame. “… simple, easy and really feels good.”

Well I’ve got news for you, so do Jello shots and I don’t need to pay anyone to teach me how to do them. Tip, swallow, repeat. Easy peasy.

Granted my Chakra is probably not up to date….

 

your-heart-chakra-needs-more-cowbell

 

Or properly aligned.

 

he-amp-039-ll-be-the-next-howrkage_c_1764491

 

But to be honest, I really don’t care.

Heck you can do a quick tune up online for free….

 

 

Why pay for a class?

Besides, I tone my voice at home all the time. Why, just the other day I chanted Nooooooo! for a full two minutes when I realized we were out of Klondike Bars.

It was quite cleansing.

Not to mention cheaper.

1 session, Thursday Nov. 15  6:00-8:00pm

$35 non refundable.