Every time we make a plan, the virus rears its ugly head like a demonic Jack in the Box and shrieks, I don’t think so!
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Our Christmas gatherings were cancelled last year and I was okay with that. But this time around we’re fully vaccinated and boosted and were looking forward to a get together/dinner/celebration with family and friends. A hesitant return to normalcy…
I should have known that was too good to be true.
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I’d made Sangria. And had gathered all the fixings for crabmeat toastie appetizers and my special Cappuccino Mousse Trifle dessert… but now, it looks like that will be Christmas dinner for two because the host of the gathering called late last night to cancel. Her (unvaccinated) visiting daughter in law brought the gift of Covid (worst houseguest ever!) so now they’re all quarantining.
First our Thanksgiving plans was cancelled due to an outbreak, now Christmas.
Christmas cards started rolling in right after Thanksgiving.
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Lovingly selected and filled with handwritten sentiments of holiday cheer from friends and family scattered across the country, continent and globe.
For some of the cards we receive, it’s the only time of year we’re in contact with the sender. An annual what’s up! and long distance wave.
In an era of instant digital communication, I look forward to this tradition of old school well wishes.
And then, there are these:
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I can hear your snorts of annoyance… but please, a moment.
While I’d love to receive a current picture of you and your family in a Christmas card, I’m not a fan of the photo card in general.
Preprinted holiday greetings with no explanation of whose grandchild is who, why you’re embracing an iguana in a tropical rain forest or who the strange man with the lightning bolt tattoos hovering in the background might be. There’s no handwritten note, no unique flourished signature and Hell, a lot of people even print out their address labels.
You can hate me, but I find them impersonal.
*Disclaimer- to each his own and if you’ve included me on your list and sent me a photo card? I sincerely appreciate the thought and would rather receive one of them than nothing… it’s just my opinion*
So as you curse me for being rude and ungrateful, imagine this –
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Me. Chained to the table for days, hand cramping from writing and addressing cards and envelopes, A through H completed and rubber banded… hoping I can still my flex my fingers by Christmas Day.
A friend gave me a reindeer for my birthday a few years ago.
Sadly it wasn’t a real one, just a Christmas decoration in a box.
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Ironically, the timing of this gift coincided with my I’m tired of fighting with f*cking lights that don’t stay lit, snowflakes that flip up on the roof and trees that spend more time lying on the ground than standing up change of heart about festive displays… but for some unfathomable reason, I decided to break it out of its box and put it to use this year.
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Easy to assemble? My ever widening ass. The legs wobbled, the antlers kept falling off and the stabilizing bars didn’t stabilize anything.
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Did I mention how pleased my husband was to secure said reindeer in the first snowfall of the season? It just started when I was taking pictures, but trust me.. it was cold, wet and windy.
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The stakes that come in the box? Useless. The wind blew the deer over as soon as we finished.
Solution?
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Drill screws into a flat stump and zip tie the reindeers legs to them for anchorage.
The decorating gods laughed and said, nice try suckers… and blew it over again.
Enter the sledgehammer.
I thought that might be for my head….
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But thankfully it was just to pound two thick iron stakes in the ground. ( side note – those suckers aren’t coming up until spring )
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A roll of safety wire and 20 frozen fingers later…
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There is a lighted reindeer on our front lawn.
Whether he will still be standing there tomorrow is anyone’s guess.
Admit it, over the years you’ve received some truly awful holiday gifts. No matter how well intended, that 1,001 Uses For Fruitcake recipe book sucked.
So this season instead of making a list of the things you want?
Make a list of the things you don’t.
I’ll start…
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I don’t want a set of cat butt coasters with strategically placed pink dots. Nope.
Not now, not ever.
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Santa’s Sweaty Sack?
Santa is everywhere this time of year, but perhaps we should try to reduce the trauma to our children and leave his odiferous sack out of the equation.
But topping the list of things I don’t want for Christmas?
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Urinal shot glasses.
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That gift is a sure way to get yourself barred from the man cave.
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Where there's only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
River's world..... 