Tag Archives: humor

And to think it only took 5 months…

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In July we ordered a pool table. We were told it would take approximately 8 weeks to arrive.

They lied.

As the months passed, I began wondering if we would see it this calendar year… but on Monday they called and said they could deliver Thursday.

At this point my husband broke into an impromptu happy dance and made plans to gift our old (ugly ass, low quality… but hey, it was free) table to the friend who’d been hinting he wanted it.

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This was the gifted table that served as inspiration for the storage barn to man cave transformation.

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And while I do love the resulting Barn Mahal, I can’t say I’m sorry to see it’s wobbly, chipped and worn out butt go.

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Did I mention it was heavy?

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Really, really heavy. Not to mention awkward to maneuver.

So while the men were struggling to move it across the room, yours truly had an idea.

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A plant pot roller.

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Pure genius if I do say so myself.

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It rolled across the floor, out the door, across the porch..

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And right into the truck…

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On its way to the sweet little old man who comes over to play with my husband most Sunday afternoons. He’s a widower… and is putting the table in his living room.

Which, if he wasn’t a widower, would probably result in him living alone from the divorce anyway.

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And yes, those are the pillows off our guest room bed being used for cushioning. The husband took them without telling me… bringing him one step closer to divorce.

😉

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Cosmo… and not in the good ‘Please pour me another!’ way.

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This month’s gift subscription came in the mail today.

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For which I’m still questioning my girlfriend’s sanity.

At first glance I thought I might be able to skip blogging about the silly rag this time around, but that ended on page 58.

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I’ve never been on a cruise…. but if I ever decide to take one? I can guarantee you it won’t be because I want to bang strangers in front of my husband.

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I have to admit these tips were extremely disappointing. Somehow I expected more than “don’t wear underwear” and “don’t park on a hill”. Those are pretty basic.

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It amazes me that people pay money for this trash.

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A gift for the posterior challenged man in your life…

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While I usually cringe at the Facebook algorithms that pollute my feed with ball wash and stink free underwear, I have to admit this latest ad made me laugh.

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Because, come on. We all know an assless man.

And before I could even click on this so called miracle accessory, I was chuckling.

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The first step in healing is admitting you have a problem.

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Lord knows I love a product that doesn’t take itself seriously.

Check out this quick commercial.

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Need another chuckle?

The same company makes a wedding ring as well.

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How bored do you have to be….

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I’m the first to admit Lord Dudley Mountcatten is a trifle odd. But the other day? He really made me wonder.

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Because this is what he did for a good 35-40 minutes.

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He sat… and stared at a corner of the kitchen.

There was nothing there. No spider, no fly, no mouse, no toy, no bag of catnip.

I hadn’t spilled tuna fish juice or dropped a crumb of bacon.

Nothing. Nada. Niente.

And yet, he stared.

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Then looked up at me as if to say, “ I don’t know what I’m doing either. But I can’t seem to stop.”

Cats.

They really should come with an instruction manual.

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Stiff… the finale.

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It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that it took me longer to blog about this book than it did to read it.

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To be honest, I blew through it in a day…. but I figured not everyone would enjoy that high a level of corpse saturation, so I’ve spread the snippets out over time.

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Placenta cocktail?

I can honestly say even I will never be that desperate for a drink.

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Though I could totally rock that hat..

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Powdered human penis?

The key words here are “taken with alcohol”. Geesh, I would hope so.

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And to think the only thing my husband took home all these years was post it notes.

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Please don’t buy me this for Christmas.

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Admit it, over the years you’ve received some truly awful holiday gifts. No matter how well intended, that 1,001 Uses For Fruitcake recipe book sucked.

So this season instead of making a list of the things you want?

Make a list of the things you don’t.

I’ll start…

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I don’t want a set of cat butt coasters with strategically placed pink dots. Nope.

Not now, not ever.

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Santa’s Sweaty Sack?

Santa is everywhere this time of year, but perhaps we should try to reduce the trauma to our children and leave his odiferous sack out of the equation.

But topping the list of things I don’t want for Christmas?

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Urinal shot glasses.

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That gift is a sure way to get yourself barred from the man cave.

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Ball tax… and other nonsense.

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Yes, it’s true.

The Maine state government has finally gotten around to taxing your dog’s balls.

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Beware “fully equipped” friends.

You could be next.

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I had to do a double take on this one. Although holiday poop gift ideas wouldn’t be an odd addition to my news feed at this point… that’s actually actually a shrimp poop removing tool.

And who doesn’t want to find one of those in their stocking Christmas morning?

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2020 is my husband.

While I carry a washable cloth mask in my purse, he uses those blue paper things and I find them hanging everywhere. Rear view mirror, stick shift, hat rack, door knobs etc.

Sanitary it’s not.

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Cocktail tweaking and a very spoiled cat.

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As you may know, I enjoy a cocktail now and then.

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So it should come as no surprise that I enjoy the occasional cocktail tweak as well

Here are two I’ve just discovered but have yet to try…

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Thyme and orange G&T’s sound fabulous.

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A drop of blackberry jam in my Cosmo?

Why not!

( Though I can guarantee you my quantity levels will be considerably higher. 0.75 Oz of Cointreau? Bitch, please! )

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Lord Dudley Mountcatten does not require cat food tweaking and is perfectly happy with his Fancy Feast. This does not mean he isn’t spoiled rotten in every other way…

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Yes, he’s commandeered my heating pad, and yes… if we don’t turn it on when he pounces on it we get the look.

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