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Because the nightly news is too depressing and hate filled.
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I shop at Goodwill all the time. Closest I’ve ever come to art is Elvis on velvet and dogs playing poker.
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I don’t eat Cup Noodles, why in the world would I want to paint my face or nails to match?
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When you have a head that looks like you’re constantly flipping someone off, it pays to look surprised.
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Guest house might be stretching it, but boy… I wish these had been for sale when my MIL was alive.
🤣
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Good grief, no. Not that.
I’m talking about this time of the month:
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The oh shit, hasn’t that gift subscription expired yet time of the month.
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And as usual, the articles are of the highest journalistic integrity.
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Doesn’t seem like such a glamorous job now does it.
The latest trend in eye makeup is now on my things I never need to try because they’re stupid list.
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And because it’s apparently mandatory in every issue..
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Sex.
And while I’m decidedly pro sex, I think these helpful hints leave a lot to be desired.
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I can pretty much guarantee I want to wank your knob are six words that will never be uttered in our bedroom.
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No.
Mr. Cuddles will never be put in a compromising position. Especially that one.
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That’s just wrong.
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WTF Forecast cracks me up.
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Rude clouds. What did I ever do to them?
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Inevitable selfie with uninterested cat.
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Makeup? What’s that. I wear it so rarely now I swear I feel like a carnival clown when I do.
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Gin in my pesto?
Yes please!
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Vodka meatballs? Where have you been all my life!
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Wow.
No one wants that.
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This first one makes me laugh because I’ve been saying it for years.
Don’t waste your money on expensive wrinkle creams ladies… just get some spackle and a putty knife to fill in those cracks.
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See?
Same idea… different packaging.
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Bad pun aside, if I want to slather egg white on my face? I’ll wait until it’s time to bake blueberry coffee cake again.
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No plastic egg required.
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This has always baffled me.
It’s ACID…. and peels off a layer of your skin to boost that brightness. Vegan?
Well no shit.
How many cows do you know who are filled with acid?
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Silicone mask brush?
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Looks like another putty knife to me.
Finally, there’s lip lifter.
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Lip lifter.
For Christ’s sake. I have boob lifting bras and butt lifting panties …. now you want me to lift my lips?
I give up.
Gravity, do what you will. As long as I can still lift the martini glass?
I’m good.
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Okay ladies, (Or men. I won’t discriminate) have you ever been to Ulta beauty?
I hadn’t until the other day and my only question is…. why the Hell did I wait so long?
I was like a kid in a candy store, happily skipping up and down the product laden aisles. It was lovely… and I came home with bags full of wondrous scents, war paint make up, lotions, soaps and spackle face creams.
A little known fact, but true nonetheless.
The guys will never understand, but a woman’s search for the perfect mascara can be life long.
We need it…. like air.
Am I right?
Of course I am.
Never underestimate the power of cosmetics.
So imagine my excitement when I found this –
Yes, you read it correctly.
Mascara that claims to be better than sex.
You know I had to try it.
The applicator is hourglass shaped…
For obscure Marilyn Monroe reasons.
And while my husband will be glad that I can honestly report it’s not better than sex.
Believe me when I say…
It’s pretty damned close!!
River's world..... 