Tag Archives: tips

Cosmo-ly Hell (warning- things go south quickly… literally and figuratively)

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This month’s issue of Cosmopolitan made me wonder why my girlfriend gave me a subscription to this in the first place. Fashion and make up tips? Fine.

But, hey… I don’t have a post pandemic sex bucket list and don’t plan on making one any time soon.

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But if I did?

I can assure you this wouldn’t be on it.

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Good grief. I’ve been known to blog about my trips to the grocery store… but I seriously doubt anyone wants to read about that happening in the middle of aisle 12.

After the bucket list, there was a list of commonly asked questions.

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I don’t know about you, but that’s not something I commonly ask.

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And I can guaran-damn-tee you I’ve never asked that!!

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I’m not going to show the answers to that one, you’ll never look at the contents of your kitchen cabinets the same way, but I’ll leave you with this more than slightly suggestive accompanying photo.

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This.

This is what passes for a woman’s magazine these days.

Hell, I’m not a prude… but it seems like these articles would be more suited to Hustler or Gynecologist’s Quarterly.

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Beauty products I probably need, but won’t buy.

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This first one makes me laugh because I’ve been saying it for years.

Don’t waste your money on expensive wrinkle creams ladies… just get some spackle and a putty knife to fill in those cracks.

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See?

Same idea… different packaging.

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Bad pun aside, if I want to slather egg white on my face? I’ll wait until it’s time to bake blueberry coffee cake again.

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No plastic egg required.

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This has always baffled me.

It’s ACID…. and peels off a layer of your skin to boost that brightness. Vegan?

Well no shit.

How many cows do you know who are filled with acid?

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Silicone mask brush?

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Looks like another putty knife to me.

Finally, there’s lip lifter.

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Lip lifter.

For Christ’s sake. I have boob lifting bras and butt lifting panties …. now you want me to lift my lips?

I give up.

Gravity, do what you will. As long as I can still lift the martini glass?

I’m good.

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Oh, Oprah.

 

Last week I was doing what I love most in the world,  kicking back with an ice cold margarita while being hand fed tasty morsels by Bradley Cooper,  waiting in an urgent care clinic for my SIL who I agreed to drive there.

** Warning for male readers – this post is going to go south about halfway through. Literally and figuratively. **

Medical facility waiting rooms are my least favorite place in the world. Crowded, obnoxiously loud, human petri dishes. Breeding grounds for the passage of whatever plague is currently circulating. Worried about mad cow disease or the bird flu? Forget the barnyard…. you’ll catch it here. Had I owned a bio hazard suit, I would have worn it proudly. With triple duct tape at the joints.

 

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As I was sitting in an unobtrusive corner trying not to breath, I realized my phone had died and I was at the mercy of the magazine rack. (Not reading is out of the question. Someone might want to start up a conversation and that’s entirely too much close contact when you’re trapped in a disease ridden incubator from Hell.)

As you know, medical waiting room magazine racks are filled with riveting copies of  Breast Feeding Monthly, How to Avoid Herpes newsletters and Let’s Identify that Secretion Digest.

I figured Oprah’s magazine would be the least revolting choice and grabbed her new issue.

 

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Oh, Oprah…

( Now would be a good time to point out that I detest women’s magazines in general. I have never needed to know how to bake a better bundt, why the soles of my feet are making me unhappy or what to do if my husband is cheating on me with my mother. )

And Hell, I didn’t even get past Oprah’s cover before I was rolling my eyes.

 

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While I have a girlfriend whose husband thinks hers has been on vacation since 2006…

I was guessing this article wasn’t about sex and shuddered to think about the tips hidden inside.

 

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I’d rather you didn’t, but thanks all the same.

The teaser didn’t bode well.

 

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And it made me wonder how mine has survived all these summers without the benefit of expert advice.

 

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There…

Now that’s advice you can use.

I refuse to go into detail about the article, but will post a picture of it for anyone who’s interested.

 

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In a nutshell? Treat Her Right.

Remember..

You heard it here first.