Tag Archives: women

What do you think of when I say…

 

Luxury item?

A yacht to sail the 7 seas…

 

 

That works… as long as you don’t forget your Brie En Croute is in the oven while you’re sipping champagne on the port side.

A fancy sports car?

 

 

Sure…. I can see you cruising into Goodwill in that.

How about a tropical beach house?

 

 

With hot and cold running cabana boys?

I’m in!

What you probably don’t think of when I say luxury item?

These:

 

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Although in many states, including my own….

 

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That’s exactly how they’re viewed and taxed.

As luxury items.

 

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Is your jaw hanging open?

Because mine was.

 

 

Take my word for it gentlemen…

Luxurious is not the word women use to describe that time of the month.

It’s not even close.

 

Things I like today… chapter 5.

 

I like….

Finding that just right product at T.J. Maxx.

 

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Pig collagen.

Because have you ever seen a wrinkled pig?

 

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I like…

Taking the guess work out of what to get me for my birthday.

 

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Good clean fun…. yes sirree.

 

I like…

Hummingbirds who pull up a chair and sit a while.

 

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As this one did the other day on our back deck.

 

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2,000 meals a day and sleep the whole night thru?

I totally want to be a hummingbird now.

I like….

 

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Okay, technically I don’t know if I like it yet because I just bought it.

 

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But a 100 calorie cocktail?

 

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What’s not to like?

And finally, I like….

This sign.

 

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Because who can argue with that?

 

Calling all hot flashing menopausal women….

 

(And partners of these women, male or otherwise…. if they want to earn some brownie points.)

Are hot flashes making you feel like you live on the surface of the sun?

 

 

Forget black cohosh.

 

 

 

Forget soy.

 

I tried both, and they didn’t touch my heat.

 

 

But this?

This works.

 

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A personal, portable tiny air conditioner.

 

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Soak the filter in cold water, then put it in the freezer.

 

 

Fill the reservoir with cold water…

 

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Position it on your desk, coffee table, bedside table… point the lever straight at your face –

And let her rip.

 

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I found mine at Home Depot for $39.99 and I’m happy.

 

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Not as happy as I would be stepping into a sub zero walk in freezer…

But who has room for one of those in the living room?

 

Oh, Oprah.

 

Last week I was doing what I love most in the world,  kicking back with an ice cold margarita while being hand fed tasty morsels by Bradley Cooper,  waiting in an urgent care clinic for my SIL who I agreed to drive there.

** Warning for male readers – this post is going to go south about halfway through. Literally and figuratively. **

Medical facility waiting rooms are my least favorite place in the world. Crowded, obnoxiously loud, human petri dishes. Breeding grounds for the passage of whatever plague is currently circulating. Worried about mad cow disease or the bird flu? Forget the barnyard…. you’ll catch it here. Had I owned a bio hazard suit, I would have worn it proudly. With triple duct tape at the joints.

 

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As I was sitting in an unobtrusive corner trying not to breath, I realized my phone had died and I was at the mercy of the magazine rack. (Not reading is out of the question. Someone might want to start up a conversation and that’s entirely too much close contact when you’re trapped in a disease ridden incubator from Hell.)

As you know, medical waiting room magazine racks are filled with riveting copies of  Breast Feeding Monthly, How to Avoid Herpes newsletters and Let’s Identify that Secretion Digest.

I figured Oprah’s magazine would be the least revolting choice and grabbed her new issue.

 

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Oh, Oprah…

( Now would be a good time to point out that I detest women’s magazines in general. I have never needed to know how to bake a better bundt, why the soles of my feet are making me unhappy or what to do if my husband is cheating on me with my mother. )

And Hell, I didn’t even get past Oprah’s cover before I was rolling my eyes.

 

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While I have a girlfriend whose husband thinks hers has been on vacation since 2006…

I was guessing this article wasn’t about sex and shuddered to think about the tips hidden inside.

 

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I’d rather you didn’t, but thanks all the same.

The teaser didn’t bode well.

 

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And it made me wonder how mine has survived all these summers without the benefit of expert advice.

 

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There…

Now that’s advice you can use.

I refuse to go into detail about the article, but will post a picture of it for anyone who’s interested.

 

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In a nutshell? Treat Her Right.

Remember..

You heard it here first.

 

 

 

 

Gravity, thou art a fickle bitch.

 

For women, it’s an inescapable fact.

We age… and things start to head south.

 

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One day you wake up and the girls aren’t as perky as they used to be.

And before you know it?

You’re searching the jeans section for the ones that include butt lifters.

Spanx……

Minimizers….

 

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Over the shoulder boulder holders….

 

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The entire foundation undergarment industry is built on defying female gravity.

And because I’m over 40? (Okay, way over… now shut up)

I’ve got plenty that’s starting the downward descent…

So when I was cruising Bed Bath and Beyond the other day and saw this?

It really ticked me off.

 

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WTF!

Now I have to start worrying that my earrings are going to sag?

It’s enough to make me turn in my woman card.

 

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