Tag Archives: women

Cosmo-what?

.

#2 in the series of ‘I’m definitely not young and single anymore’. Otherwise known as Cosmopolitan magazine highlights.

Or lowlights, you decide.

Gentlemen?

You’ve been warned.

.

.

First up, a strawberry vagina.

.

.

Magical?

Yeah, I must be doing something wrong. And because there are probably other women like me?

Products.

.

.

Am I surprised they are named Honey Pot and Fur?

At this point, I am not.

.

.

This explains a lot about the current generation. I enjoyed moving out of my parents house, but maybe that was just me.

.

.

What brownie abomination is this?

No. Just…. no.

.

.

Wow. And I thought breaking up via text was bad….

Finally there was this:

.

.

Strategically placed mirror aside…. FaceTiming your gynecologist? I’m beginning to relish the fact I’m not in my twenties anymore.

P.S. … don’t be surprised when that cat starts having nightmares.

.

Beauty products I probably need, but won’t buy.

.

This first one makes me laugh because I’ve been saying it for years.

Don’t waste your money on expensive wrinkle creams ladies… just get some spackle and a putty knife to fill in those cracks.

.

.

See?

Same idea… different packaging.

.

.

Bad pun aside, if I want to slather egg white on my face? I’ll wait until it’s time to bake blueberry coffee cake again.

.

.

No plastic egg required.

.

.

This has always baffled me.

It’s ACID…. and peels off a layer of your skin to boost that brightness. Vegan?

Well no shit.

How many cows do you know who are filled with acid?

.

.

Silicone mask brush?

.

.

Looks like another putty knife to me.

Finally, there’s lip lifter.

.

.

Lip lifter.

For Christ’s sake. I have boob lifting bras and butt lifting panties …. now you want me to lift my lips?

I give up.

Gravity, do what you will. As long as I can still lift the martini glass?

I’m good.

.

Clearly it’s been a long time…

 

As you know, I am not a 25 year old single woman….  (Please refrain from commenting if you value our friendship)  so it’s been a while since I leafed through a Cosmopolitan magazine. But for some reason a girlfriend gifted me a subscription, and I felt I needed to honor the gesture.

 

 

Hmm.

My hair removal routine is neither adventurous nor worth writing about, and as for the scale….. I’m afraid my hairless cat level will have to remain a mystery. I like my readers, but not that much.

 

 

And how do they know walking burrito wasn’t the look I was going for?

Fashion is personal…. and I happen to have the perfect black bean earrings to match, so there!

 

 

The selfie wasn’t around when I was young and single, so this may be a day late and a dollar short… but here goes.

 

img_5711-1

 

Okay, so maybe I need a little more practice.

 

 

What kind of noodle am I?

Yes…. I’m beginning to remember why I stopped reading Cosmo in the first place.

(In case you’re wondering? Rigatoni baby.)

I found this issue to be so utterly ridiculous, I may have to make it a monthly series. And if you’re groaning now?

Just be thankful I didn’t share all the articles today.

 

img_5697

 

Yes, it’s clearly been a while since I read single women’s magazines.

 

Can someone please explain the logic?

 

Because I’m a mere woman and not able to comprehend the genius that is the male mind.

 

 

I understand the need to temporarily seal up the big barn doors for winter. If the husband is going to spend all that money for a heat pump, we don’t want all the lovely warm air escaping. So a few insulated foam boards, some tape and call it good… right?

(Please remember the key word is temporary. This will be important later on.)

In my previous post I shared pictures of the frame, the double layer of foam boards, the plywood, and the finishing border.

 

 

And yes, those are two antique safes that weigh the combined equivalent of a small elephant herd.

 

img_5455

 

Do they open?

Well, they would if my husband had the combinations… which he doesn’t.

Good times.

But back to the doors. The temporary doors that he keeps assuring me will be easily removed.

When I went out there the other day?

This:

 

 

Yes.

 

 

There is now a shelf with an old stereo mounted on the temporary doors.

 

 

And quite high up on the temporary doors I might add.

 

img_5449

 

High enough so yours truly can’t reach the power button… which may or may not have been intentional.

So please help me out with the male logic of this.

In the event we need to open the barn doors… because you know, they’re doors and that’s kind of their thing…. we will need to:

 

1. unscrew the shelf brackets

2. remove the shelf

3. unhook the speaker wires

4. take down the stereo

5. remove the border frame

6. remove the plywood

7. remove the double layers of foam boards

8. remove the inner frame

 

Does this sound temporary to you?

Because my female brain is having  a hard time reconciling this kind of temporary.

 

We are definitely not mathematicians.

 

On a gloomy, overcast Sunday morning….we started putting trim board on the baby barn at 9:00am.

 

IMG_3430

 

At 10:00am we were still on the first piece.

 

IMG_3431

 

And yes, at 11:00am we were still there as well.

 

 

Frustrating?

A wee bit.

 

IMG_3432

 

Cutting angles is not our forte….. and it almost made me wish I’d paid more attention in 7th grade geometry.

 

IMG_3433

 

A lot of serious thought, planning… not to mention cursing…. was going on right there.

 

IMG_3434

 

And before you say “Use a mitre saw!”, we did. But the building is less than straight and square and when we finally did manage to get it right?

 

IMG_3435

 

It was still wrong.

 

IMG_3436

 

Thank God for flashing. It covers a multitude of sins.

 

IMG_3437

 

So this side looked good.

 

IMG_3438

 

But when we turned the corner?

Not so much.

 

IMG_3439

 

How the Hell did that happen?

There was only one solution.

 

IMG_3441

 

Sit on the big barn porch and photograph it from far away.

Yes.

Much better.

 

IMG_3442

 

More flashing, more nightmarish trim board.

And if you’re asking what I contributed to the project?

Besides acting as a general gopher…. because when the husband is up his tools are down, and when he’s down his tools are up… my contribution was this:

 

IMG_3443

 

Classic tunes on shuffle.

 

 

There he goes again, ever the optimist.

 

IMG_3448

 

Thankfully the husband used to do roofing when he was young, so yes. The shingles were perfectly level.

 

IMG_3450

 

And because he was so thrilled something was finally level?

 

 

He checked it again.

 

 

And again.

 

 

I gave up on him at 6:00pm and headed inside for dinner, but he was out there until 8:00 trying to reach the top.

 

 

He didn’t quite make it.

 

Because I know you were anxiously awaiting it’s return…..

 

It’s back.

The ongoing baby barn remodeling saga…. and for those of you just joining us? Consider yourself lucky you missed the first 300 episodes.

Winter is over in Maine, we think…. so work has begun anew.

On Saturday afternoon rotted wood was replaced.

 

IMG_3393

 

And the silly man I’m married to tried to make everything square.

 

IMG_3395

 

Look at him with his little level. Isn’t that cute?

If you remember anything from last year, you’ll know the terms level and square are completely relative when dealing with this nightmare of a building.

 

Darth

 

But hope springs eternal, and maybe sometime before we’re through that damned bubble will be in the right position.

 

IMG_3418

 

The last of the Zip siding was installed…

 

IMG_3419

 

And yes, that’s my husband’s back…. as he refused to smile for my camera.

 

IMG_3420

 

I can never quite figure his modus operandi when he works on a project……. and wondered why he made his way from the outside in to meet in the middle.

 

IMG_3421

 

This doesn’t usually bode well when you’re using a tongue and groove design.

I  (oh so)  helpfully told him this, but of course he paid no attention because I’m a woman and what do I know?

 

men

 

Well, yes.

As a matter of fact he is.

 

IMG_3427

 

But when he tried to fit that last piece?

I admit it, I chortled while he cursed.

Which I enjoyed, because really… the world needs more chortling.

 

IMG_3426

 

Apparently I did chortle a little too loudly because I also got the look.

Which, after 36 years…. he should know has positively no effect.

 

IMG_3428

 

A little trimmed tar paper later and he called it day.

 

 

 

Say what?

 

I forgot I still had some of these crazy foreign words in my files.

So keep reading… they might come in handy some day.

 

Zhaghzhagh (Persian)

The chattering of teeth from the cold or from rage.

 

I don’t have much of a temper, but the next time this happens…..

At least I’ll know what to call it.

 

Cavoli Riscaldati (Italian)

The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship. Translates to “reheated cabbage.”

 

Oh, those Italians.

Ever the romantics….

 

Ultimate Korra Caption Contest Winner - on Komic Korra

 

Kaelling (Danish)

You know that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children? The Danes know her, too.

I think we all know that woman.

 

13gthz

 

Bakku-shan (Japanese)

Japanese slang term which describes the experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.

Because sometimes, you just can’t tell.

 

i-never-went

 

I bet we all remember this last one from Laverne and Shirley…. but I never new what it meant until now.

Schlemiel and schlimazel (Yiddish)

Someone prone to bad luck. Yiddish distinguishes between the schlemiel and schlimazel, whose fates would probably be grouped under those of the klutz in other languages. The schlemiel is the traditional maladroit, who spills his coffee; the schlimazel is the one on whom it’s spilled.

 

272r6z

I have a question.

 

So if someone could tell me what this is?

That would be great.

 

IMG_2924

 

Because I was out shopping with a girlfriend a month ago and found something on the ladies clearance rack I can’t explain.

 

 

Let’s ignore the fact it’s butt ugly.

And there’s a random patch of black lace on a sweatshirt.

Let’s also ignore the clashing colors of the plastic gewgaws on the breast.

 

IMG_2923

 

What. The. Utter. F*ck?

Is there a group of low limbed mutant women roaming my state?

 

 

Or maybe they have 4 arms….. and can’t decide if they want to go sleeveless.

Either way, I can’t begin to fathom how anyone else would be able to wear this monstrosity.

 

What do you think of when I say…

 

Luxury item?

A yacht to sail the 7 seas…

 

 

That works… as long as you don’t forget your Brie En Croute is in the oven while you’re sipping champagne on the port side.

A fancy sports car?

 

 

Sure…. I can see you cruising into Goodwill in that.

How about a tropical beach house?

 

 

With hot and cold running cabana boys?

I’m in!

What you probably don’t think of when I say luxury item?

These:

 

cpt134540889-jpg

 

Although in many states, including my own….

 

IMG_E4990

 

That’s exactly how they’re viewed and taxed.

As luxury items.

 

IMG_E4989

 

Is your jaw hanging open?

Because mine was.

 

 

Take my word for it gentlemen…

Luxurious is not the word women use to describe that time of the month.

It’s not even close.