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But I know you do.
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Admit it, we’ve all wanted to feel a little warmer and cheesier this year.
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This gives a whole new meaning to the word shortcake.
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Skin as soft and supple as a nice juicy brain? What woman doesn’t dream of that!
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I have to admit this one might have validity. We live next to a horse farm and see our fair share of flies. A real life arcade game with salt bullets… hmm.
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I do. Even though I’m sure you’d rather I didn’t.
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Yes, this exists. Though I think they’re wrong about the Olympic event.
And if you’re thinking…. that’s great River, but I don’t really care for cereal?
I’ve got your back.
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Pooping Champion Gummies.
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And tea.
You’re welcome.
But if that’s not enough to get you excited about this oh so helpful product? Visit their website and check out the fabulous club you can join.
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Now tell me you don’t want to be a card carrying member of that!
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Facebook ads. They’re never ending and annoying and I pay them very little mind.
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Yes, I like Hint water… but don’t need to see daily videos.
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And yes, those are some sweet shades I could easily see myself rocking next summer, but they don’t need to join the other 15 pairs I never wear in my junk drawer.
While I realize these ads are targeted to me specifically based on algorithms of my search history, every once in a while they surprise me.
As this one did the other day:
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Not being in possession of a pair, I assure you I have never actively searched for ball wash.
Trust me on this.
Of course since it popped up, I had to click. For research/ blog fodder purposes only you understand.
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Don’t be whack, GIVE A SACK.
There’s an ad slogan designed to burrow deep into your frontal cortex.
And while I admit I chortled over this, I’m not chortling now. Because you know what happens when you click on a Facebook ball wash product ad?
This:
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And this:
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I am now being inundated with less than helpful product placement.
Man meat.
What have I done!
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#2 in the series of ‘I’m definitely not young and single anymore’. Otherwise known as Cosmopolitan magazine highlights.
Or lowlights, you decide.
Gentlemen?
You’ve been warned.
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First up, a strawberry vagina.
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Magical?
Yeah, I must be doing something wrong. And because there are probably other women like me?
Products.
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Am I surprised they are named Honey Pot and Fur?
At this point, I am not.
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This explains a lot about the current generation. I enjoyed moving out of my parents house, but maybe that was just me.
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What brownie abomination is this?
No. Just…. no.
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Wow. And I thought breaking up via text was bad….
Finally there was this:
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Strategically placed mirror aside…. FaceTiming your gynecologist? I’m beginning to relish the fact I’m not in my twenties anymore.
P.S. … don’t be surprised when that cat starts having nightmares.
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This first one makes me laugh because I’ve been saying it for years.
Don’t waste your money on expensive wrinkle creams ladies… just get some spackle and a putty knife to fill in those cracks.
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See?
Same idea… different packaging.
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Bad pun aside, if I want to slather egg white on my face? I’ll wait until it’s time to bake blueberry coffee cake again.
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No plastic egg required.
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This has always baffled me.
It’s ACID…. and peels off a layer of your skin to boost that brightness. Vegan?
Well no shit.
How many cows do you know who are filled with acid?
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Silicone mask brush?
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Looks like another putty knife to me.
Finally, there’s lip lifter.
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Lip lifter.
For Christ’s sake. I have boob lifting bras and butt lifting panties …. now you want me to lift my lips?
I give up.
Gravity, do what you will. As long as I can still lift the martini glass?
I’m good.
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Here’s another selection of must have products… this time with a twist.
These are all things guaranteed to reduce your stress level.
Sorry, but having a nail polish cocktail ring is only going to increase my stress.
The first time my nose itches? That Moonlight Madness Maroon will be Jackson Pollock-ing the living room wall.
Really?
I’ve got news for you, if I’m going to recline in a hammock it better be large enough for my whole body….. and a pitcher of margaritas.
I don’t know about you, but if I’m stressed?
The last thing I’m worrying about is mopping up that martini I spilled on the floor.
Yeah.
Because a disembodied hand is soooo relaxing.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I see a list of “must have” products?
It’s a guarantee I mustn’t.
Do I need a magnetized bin to save my lint?
I most decidedly do not.
Does anyone?
With my luck I’d save lint and the red squirrels would steal it to make their nests more comfortable.
So basically this is a tarp with a square frame and handles. It costs $30 and you still have to pay someone to haul it away. Makes me glad I live in the country where we can just load up our truck and drive to the dump.
Is this a joke?
No one wants to time warp back to 80’s hair.
Just, no.
Eco friendly bamboo? Fine.
But charcoal bristles treated with carbon?
This is not a look I care to embrace.
And finally….
Sorry, but I’m thinking my inner mermaid is better left unrevealed.
Because sometimes you have to look twice.
To me, this looks like strips of wet, tie dyed paper and as such… not the least bit appetizing.
Oh, it’s a healthy vegetable?
Well that explains it.
I’ll try it as soon as I finish my pile of kale.
Hundreds of customers are rarely wrong, but while I like a good massage as much as the next girl?
I’m not using something that looks like my great grandfather’s ballsack.
Just…. no.
This last product isn’t necessarily odd, but it did make me wonder.
Have I been using nail polish made from rendered beef fat all these years?
I’ve always had naturally curly hair. And while that didn’t allow me to blend in during the long straight 70’s, I came into my own during the bigger the better 80’s.
Women still pay large amounts of money for perms, but fresh from the shower and allowed to air dry?
My hair looks like this –
I normally embrace my curl… except on damp days when I tend to look like this:
But there are times when I’d like a change. A slightly more controlled look.
Before I found the wonder product I’m about to share with you …. with no remuneration from the company though damn it, they should… this meant schlepping to a hair salon and paying someone to spend an hour pulling and tugging my locks into submission with a hot blow dryer and a medieval torture device large round brush.
But now?
Now that I’ve found this miracle wand?
It’s smooth sailing when ever I want.
In no time flat my hair is …
Flat!
And now that you’ve seen more pictures of the back of my head than you ever thought possible?
Go get yourself one of these.
It’s quick, it’s easy… and if you can twirl spaghetti?
You can have straight… or in my case straighter… hair than you ever dreamed of at home.
Flipping through O magazine the other day (I get it free, don’t judge) I realized Oprah and I disagree about a few things.
Most importantly, her list of must have items.
She might find these necessary and affordable, but I don’t.
Seriously? Bragging about your house manager Eddie and his cocktail mixing prowess is bad form. Especially when we peons are occasionally forced to drink cocktails from can.
Let’s forget the revolting sounding ‘flavor capsule’…. why in the world would I pay $350 to have a machine mix my drink.
My local pub’s bartender does a fine job and he never expects that big a tip.
$70 for a bottle.
To put alcohol and fruit in.
Call me classy, but a mason jar works just as well for a lot less.
Good grief.
$195 so my selfies can be better lighted?
I’m 55 and menopausal. No one wants to see that any more clearly than they already have.
Oprah redeemed herself slightly with this last pick.
It’s been a while since I shopped at Talbots, but I could probably rock a pair of these.
Cheers!
