Tag Archives: cosmopolitan

Cosmo-hell.

June 9, 2022 Rivergirl 25 Comments

I received an email the other day telling me my gift subscription to Cosmopolitan would be ending soon and I can’t tell you how pleased I was to hear it. Never has a present been less well received. And while I thanked my friend for the thought, I also made it abundantly clear another year of this trashy rag would not be welcome.

Be honest men… did you even notice she was wearing a hat?

Decades of legitimate research? If you say so…

Even after a solid year of this crap, I’m still surprised this is what passes for a women’s magazine these days.

Is this even possible?

On second thought, don’t answer. I don’t want to know.

This entire publication lost me at hello. And in case you’re wondering, no… I don’t read the articles. I just flip through and photograph them for blog fodder. I didn’t meet Kristie and have no intention of ever doing so.

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More Cosmo Hell.

April 13, 2022 Rivergirl 13 Comments

You knew there was more, right?

And the best (worst?) part is it’s even more ridiculous than the ass shaped chair.

Yes, you read that correctly. You can now own a vibrator that will sync with your iTunes playlist.

The mind boggles.

I have no problem syncing my cell phone and the car stereo to my favorite songs, but adult toys? No. I don’t need a dildo to reverberate Florence and the Machine or Led Zeppelin. Although Stairway to Heaven might be an appropriate tune, all things considered.

Truer words were never spoken. I most certainly did not…

🤣

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Cosmo Hell

April 10, 2022 Rivergirl 33 Comments

Another issue of this ridiculous magazine arrived in the mail and as usual I found myself counting the days until the gift subscription runs out.

Yes, that’s an ass shaped chair. Need I say more?

Because I value sharing quality journalism with my readers, I did the obligatory flip through. I quickly hit the half way point and was surprised I hadn’t seen anything too horrible. Just the normal hair and makeup tips, crazy fashion trends and an answer to the ‘what should I do with all those spare keys’ question.

Ouch!

And just when I thought this month’s Cosmo wouldn’t go there, it did.

I beg to differ, but to each their own.

Yeah. That’s not happening at Casa River anytime soon… but if you’re interested, here are some helpful hints.

I wish I could say this was the worst thing I saw in the April edition….

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Cosmo… and not in the good ‘Please pour me another!’ way.

December 9, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

This month’s gift subscription came in the mail today.

For which I’m still questioning my girlfriend’s sanity.

At first glance I thought I might be able to skip blogging about the silly rag this time around, but that ended on page 58.

I’ve never been on a cruise…. but if I ever decide to take one? I can guarantee you it won’t be because I want to bang strangers in front of my husband.

I have to admit these tips were extremely disappointing. Somehow I expected more than “don’t wear underwear” and “don’t park on a hill”. Those are pretty basic.

It amazes me that people pay money for this trash.

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It’s that time of the month again….

October 8, 2021 Rivergirl 29 Comments

Good grief, no. Not that.

I’m talking about this time of the month:

The oh shit, hasn’t that gift subscription expired yet time of the month.

And as usual, the articles are of the highest journalistic integrity.

Doesn’t seem like such a glamorous job now does it.

The latest trend in eye makeup is now on my things I never need to try because they’re stupid list.

And because it’s apparently mandatory in every issue..

Sex.

And while I’m decidedly pro sex, I think these helpful hints leave a lot to be desired.

I can pretty much guarantee I want to wank your knob are six words that will never be uttered in our bedroom.

No.

Mr. Cuddles will never be put in a compromising position. Especially that one.

That’s just wrong.

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It (unfortunately) never disappoints.

September 6, 2021 Rivergirl 21 Comments

Gather round boys and girls…. September’s Cosmo, aka the worst gift subscription ever, is here.

On first glance I thought maybe, just maybe…. I could flip through it without being stunned this month.

Yeah.

No such luck. And as I’ve said before, I’m no prude… but the in your face sexual content of this magazine never fails to surprise me.

Greatest sex position. Wouldn’t that be a personal choice?

Not according to Cosmopolitan.

And… apologies, but I’m not going to discuss the Venus butterfly technique. Cosmo did, so if you’re curious, get your own friend to give you a year’s worth of this trash.

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Cosmopolitan Hell … part 2.

August 6, 2021 Rivergirl 17 Comments

Because this month’s issue was extra horrible and requires two posts.

Sorry Cara, but I definitely don’t want to hear all about your sex toys.

Golden penis syndrome. If nothing else? Receiving this gift subscription has made me aware how utterly out of touch I am.

As if you men don’t think your wands have magic powers already. Geesh.

Interesting demographic there. All in the south except one town in Massachusetts. Wonder why…?

No, I didn’t tear that article out and I didn’t tuck it under my mattress. I did give brief thought to sending a copy to Monica Lewinsky… but alas, I think that ship has sailed.

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Cosmopolitan Hell

August 4, 2021 Rivergirl 37 Comments

Apologies to my male readers, but it’s that time again. Time to question why anyone in their right mind reads this magazine.

This months issue of the gift that keeps on giving (whether I want it to or not) includes a discussion on bathing suit thongs.

Please feel free to weigh in.

Sphincter dental floss. Not likely to erase that mental image for the rest of the day are you?

Eww. While I’m technically not against the trend…. I never thought of that!

Less wedgie potentially? It’s specifically designed to be a wedgie. Your argument is invalid.

This next article made even me look twice.

Last chance guys…. if you don’t leave now I won’t be held responsible.

I did warn you.

If it’s that common, how did I not know this!

Holy crap!

I can’t even imagine….

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Cosmo Hell

June 24, 2021 Rivergirl 25 Comments

Oh, you thought my awful gift subscription to Cosmopolitan had run out? No such luck. So sit back and see what the young women of today are reading about this month.

Okay then… moving on.

Apparently there’s a dating app for everyone. Not ready for Tinder or Grindr? Try Tabby.

Meow!

This particular article was quite detailed and had everything you ever needed or wanted to know about circumcised penises.

As well as a lot you ( or maybe just I ) didn’t.

When in doubt, say nothing. Apparently my mother’s advice holds true for every situation.

What’s up Venezuela?

Wait.. on second thought. I don’t want to know.

P.S. I refuse to put sixty nine or circumcision in my list of tags. No good can come from that. So to speak…

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And you thought yesterday’s Cosmo selection was bad….

April 15, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

The April issue of Cosmopolitan was chock full of ridiculousness, some of which I shared yesterday. But there was one more (helpful?) article that deserved attention… and a blog of its own.

Are you awake yet? Good… please continue.

For once I’m glad to be in the minority. Thankfully, smart phones had not yet been invented during my years on the dating scene … but if a guy I was seeing had mailed me a Polaroid of his pecker back then? I think I would have died laughing. Alas, times have changed and the dick pic is probably here to stay. So for the sake of any single male readers who happen to drop by, here are a few hints to get the most out of your … um… personal attributes.