Tag Archives: cosmopolitan

Cosmo… and not in the good ‘Please pour me another!’ way.

December 9, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

This month’s gift subscription came in the mail today.

For which I’m still questioning my girlfriend’s sanity.

At first glance I thought I might be able to skip blogging about the silly rag this time around, but that ended on page 58.

I’ve never been on a cruise…. but if I ever decide to take one? I can guarantee you it won’t be because I want to bang strangers in front of my husband.

I have to admit these tips were extremely disappointing. Somehow I expected more than “don’t wear underwear” and “don’t park on a hill”. Those are pretty basic.

It amazes me that people pay money for this trash.

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It’s that time of the month again….

October 8, 2021 Rivergirl 29 Comments

Good grief, no. Not that.

I’m talking about this time of the month:

The oh shit, hasn’t that gift subscription expired yet time of the month.

And as usual, the articles are of the highest journalistic integrity.

Doesn’t seem like such a glamorous job now does it.

The latest trend in eye makeup is now on my things I never need to try because they’re stupid list.

And because it’s apparently mandatory in every issue..

Sex.

And while I’m decidedly pro sex, I think these helpful hints leave a lot to be desired.

I can pretty much guarantee I want to wank your knob are six words that will never be uttered in our bedroom.

No.

Mr. Cuddles will never be put in a compromising position. Especially that one.

That’s just wrong.

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It (unfortunately) never disappoints.

September 6, 2021 Rivergirl 21 Comments

Gather round boys and girls…. September’s Cosmo, aka the worst gift subscription ever, is here.

On first glance I thought maybe, just maybe…. I could flip through it without being stunned this month.

Yeah.

No such luck. And as I’ve said before, I’m no prude… but the in your face sexual content of this magazine never fails to surprise me.

Greatest sex position. Wouldn’t that be a personal choice?

Not according to Cosmopolitan.

And… apologies, but I’m not going to discuss the Venus butterfly technique. Cosmo did, so if you’re curious, get your own friend to give you a year’s worth of this trash.

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Cosmopolitan Hell … part 2.

August 6, 2021 Rivergirl 17 Comments

Because this month’s issue was extra horrible and requires two posts.

Sorry Cara, but I definitely don’t want to hear all about your sex toys.

Golden penis syndrome. If nothing else? Receiving this gift subscription has made me aware how utterly out of touch I am.

As if you men don’t think your wands have magic powers already. Geesh.

Interesting demographic there. All in the south except one town in Massachusetts. Wonder why…?

No, I didn’t tear that article out and I didn’t tuck it under my mattress. I did give brief thought to sending a copy to Monica Lewinsky… but alas, I think that ship has sailed.

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Cosmopolitan Hell

August 4, 2021 Rivergirl 37 Comments

Apologies to my male readers, but it’s that time again. Time to question why anyone in their right mind reads this magazine.

This months issue of the gift that keeps on giving (whether I want it to or not) includes a discussion on bathing suit thongs.

Please feel free to weigh in.

Sphincter dental floss. Not likely to erase that mental image for the rest of the day are you?

Eww. While I’m technically not against the trend…. I never thought of that!

Less wedgie potentially? It’s specifically designed to be a wedgie. Your argument is invalid.

This next article made even me look twice.

Last chance guys…. if you don’t leave now I won’t be held responsible.

I did warn you.

If it’s that common, how did I not know this!

Holy crap!

I can’t even imagine….

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Cosmo Hell

June 24, 2021 Rivergirl 25 Comments

Oh, you thought my awful gift subscription to Cosmopolitan had run out? No such luck. So sit back and see what the young women of today are reading about this month.

Okay then… moving on.

Apparently there’s a dating app for everyone. Not ready for Tinder or Grindr? Try Tabby.

Meow!

This particular article was quite detailed and had everything you ever needed or wanted to know about circumcised penises.

As well as a lot you ( or maybe just I ) didn’t.

When in doubt, say nothing. Apparently my mother’s advice holds true for every situation.

What’s up Venezuela?

Wait.. on second thought. I don’t want to know.

P.S. I refuse to put sixty nine or circumcision in my list of tags. No good can come from that. So to speak…

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And you thought yesterday’s Cosmo selection was bad….

April 15, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

The April issue of Cosmopolitan was chock full of ridiculousness, some of which I shared yesterday. But there was one more (helpful?) article that deserved attention… and a blog of its own.

Are you awake yet? Good… please continue.

For once I’m glad to be in the minority. Thankfully, smart phones had not yet been invented during my years on the dating scene … but if a guy I was seeing had mailed me a Polaroid of his pecker back then? I think I would have died laughing. Alas, times have changed and the dick pic is probably here to stay. So for the sake of any single male readers who happen to drop by, here are a few hints to get the most out of your … um… personal attributes.

Think how much easier Anthony Weiner’s life would be if only he’d had a subscription to Cosmo.

Are they? What gives it away…. The One Direction poster in the background or that pair of Chelsea boots under your bed.

Best. Advice. Ever.

Trust me fellas, no one wants Cockzilla.

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Cosmo Hell.

April 14, 2021 Rivergirl 24 Comments

The April issue of my (is this awful gift ever going to end?) Cosmopolitan subscription is here and as usual, it’s filled with things too ridiculous not to share.

Fashion… or do designers just have twisted senses of humor? Tough call.

This months quiz was pretty lame. And in case you’re interested…

This next one made me laugh as well as cringe.

If that doesn’t make your eyes roll, nothing will.

I don’t know about you, but I neither have.. nor need… to bathe my crystals.

Is it any wonder this country is going down the proverbial drain?

Date ideas seemed like an interesting read and a good way to see how things have changed since I was on the market back in the dark ages of the 80’s.

Mario Kart can improve your sex life? What am I missing here….

Wow. I know I’m middle aged, menopausal and not as hip as I once was (the casual use of the word hip proves the veracity of that statement even more than the scrunchie that’s currently holding my hair back) but cutting each other’s toenails on a date? That makes me very glad I’m old, happily married and way off the singles track.

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Cosmo-ly Hell (warning- things go south quickly… literally and figuratively)

November 2, 2020 Rivergirl 27 Comments

This month’s issue of Cosmopolitan made me wonder why my girlfriend gave me a subscription to this in the first place. Fashion and make up tips? Fine.

But, hey… I don’t have a post pandemic sex bucket list and don’t plan on making one any time soon.

But if I did?

I can assure you this wouldn’t be on it.

Good grief. I’ve been known to blog about my trips to the grocery store… but I seriously doubt anyone wants to read about that happening in the middle of aisle 12.

After the bucket list, there was a list of commonly asked questions.

I don’t know about you, but that’s not something I commonly ask.

And I can guaran-damn-tee you I’ve never asked that!!

I’m not going to show the answers to that one, you’ll never look at the contents of your kitchen cabinets the same way, but I’ll leave you with this more than slightly suggestive accompanying photo.