Tag Archives: magazines

Cosmo Hell

April 10, 2022 Rivergirl 33 Comments

Another issue of this ridiculous magazine arrived in the mail and as usual I found myself counting the days until the gift subscription runs out.

Yes, that’s an ass shaped chair. Need I say more?

Because I value sharing quality journalism with my readers, I did the obligatory flip through. I quickly hit the half way point and was surprised I hadn’t seen anything too horrible. Just the normal hair and makeup tips, crazy fashion trends and an answer to the ‘what should I do with all those spare keys’ question.

Ouch!

And just when I thought this month’s Cosmo wouldn’t go there, it did.

I beg to differ, but to each their own.

Yeah. That’s not happening at Casa River anytime soon… but if you’re interested, here are some helpful hints.

I wish I could say this was the worst thing I saw in the April edition….

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Cosmo… and not in the good ‘Please pour me another!’ way.

December 9, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

This month’s gift subscription came in the mail today.

For which I’m still questioning my girlfriend’s sanity.

At first glance I thought I might be able to skip blogging about the silly rag this time around, but that ended on page 58.

I’ve never been on a cruise…. but if I ever decide to take one? I can guarantee you it won’t be because I want to bang strangers in front of my husband.

I have to admit these tips were extremely disappointing. Somehow I expected more than “don’t wear underwear” and “don’t park on a hill”. Those are pretty basic.

It amazes me that people pay money for this trash.

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Cosmopolitan Hell … part 2.

August 6, 2021 Rivergirl 17 Comments

Because this month’s issue was extra horrible and requires two posts.

Sorry Cara, but I definitely don’t want to hear all about your sex toys.

Golden penis syndrome. If nothing else? Receiving this gift subscription has made me aware how utterly out of touch I am.

As if you men don’t think your wands have magic powers already. Geesh.

Interesting demographic there. All in the south except one town in Massachusetts. Wonder why…?

No, I didn’t tear that article out and I didn’t tuck it under my mattress. I did give brief thought to sending a copy to Monica Lewinsky… but alas, I think that ship has sailed.

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And you thought yesterday’s Cosmo selection was bad….

April 15, 2021 Rivergirl 34 Comments

The April issue of Cosmopolitan was chock full of ridiculousness, some of which I shared yesterday. But there was one more (helpful?) article that deserved attention… and a blog of its own.

Are you awake yet? Good… please continue.

For once I’m glad to be in the minority. Thankfully, smart phones had not yet been invented during my years on the dating scene … but if a guy I was seeing had mailed me a Polaroid of his pecker back then? I think I would have died laughing. Alas, times have changed and the dick pic is probably here to stay. So for the sake of any single male readers who happen to drop by, here are a few hints to get the most out of your … um… personal attributes.

Think how much easier Anthony Weiner’s life would be if only he’d had a subscription to Cosmo.

Are they? What gives it away…. The One Direction poster in the background or that pair of Chelsea boots under your bed.

Best. Advice. Ever.

Trust me fellas, no one wants Cockzilla.

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Magazine musings…

November 9, 2020 Rivergirl 26 Comments

Since I’m still trying to plow through my massive stack of magazines, I have to share.

Do we really need shoes that breathe? I don’t… but maybe that’s just me.

I’m all for alternative leather products… eucalyptus? Cool. But if they come up with kale filled seats? I’m boycotting on sheer principle.

According to this map temperatures are rising almost everywhere but it looks like me and my hot flashes are in the right place. Hang in there Maine! River melts into a puddle in anything above 75 degrees.

If you’ve never had canned brown bread you haven’t lived a full life. This is a Maine staple, made in Portland, Maine… so why this article calls it Boston brown is a mystery. Moist and filled with molasses?

Try it. Your mouth will thank me.

Dexter is coming back!

I don’t have Showtime anymore but might have to resubscribe in order to revisit my favorite serial killer.

Ghost pepper strawberry frosting?

No.

Just no.

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Cosmo-ly Hell (warning- things go south quickly… literally and figuratively)

November 2, 2020 Rivergirl 27 Comments

This month’s issue of Cosmopolitan made me wonder why my girlfriend gave me a subscription to this in the first place. Fashion and make up tips? Fine.

But, hey… I don’t have a post pandemic sex bucket list and don’t plan on making one any time soon.

But if I did?

I can assure you this wouldn’t be on it.

Good grief. I’ve been known to blog about my trips to the grocery store… but I seriously doubt anyone wants to read about that happening in the middle of aisle 12.

After the bucket list, there was a list of commonly asked questions.

I don’t know about you, but that’s not something I commonly ask.

And I can guaran-damn-tee you I’ve never asked that!!

I’m not going to show the answers to that one, you’ll never look at the contents of your kitchen cabinets the same way, but I’ll leave you with this more than slightly suggestive accompanying photo.

This.

This is what passes for a woman’s magazine these days.

Hell, I’m not a prude… but it seems like these articles would be more suited to Hustler or Gynecologist’s Quarterly.

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Magazine chuckles.

October 15, 2020 Rivergirl 18 Comments

I have stacks and stacks of free magazines I have yet to read. ( If you’re interested let me know, I’ll hook you up.)

Here are a few articles that got my attention.

Online reviews of our National Parks. Proof positive people are idiots.

Although it’s hard to argue with ‘a very very large hole’ for the Grand Canyon.

Thank you, no.

A month ago they were pushing mermaid shampoo and that was bad enough.

Avocado pudding?

I’d rather eat kale stuffed meatless meatballs.

I think I’ve mentioned my hatred of dolls and all things doll like. But a museum filled with uber creepy antique ones?

Now that’s a blog worth writing.

Llamapalooza?

I am so down with that!

Kind of underwhelming?

We visited Plymouth last fall and saw this oh so famous rock.

Kind of is the understatement of the year.

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Cosmo-what?

October 5, 2020 Rivergirl 66 Comments

#2 in the series of ‘I’m definitely not young and single anymore’. Otherwise known as Cosmopolitan magazine highlights.

Or lowlights, you decide.

Gentlemen?

You’ve been warned.

First up, a strawberry vagina.

Magical?

Yeah, I must be doing something wrong. And because there are probably other women like me?

Products.

Am I surprised they are named Honey Pot and Fur?

At this point, I am not.

This explains a lot about the current generation. I enjoyed moving out of my parents house, but maybe that was just me.

What brownie abomination is this?

No. Just…. no.

Wow. And I thought breaking up via text was bad….

Finally there was this:

Strategically placed mirror aside…. FaceTiming your gynecologist? I’m beginning to relish the fact I’m not in my twenties anymore.

P.S. … don’t be surprised when that cat starts having nightmares.

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Clearly it’s been a long time…

September 7, 2020 Rivergirl 34 Comments

As you know, I am not a 25 year old single woman…. (Please refrain from commenting if you value our friendship) so it’s been a while since I leafed through a Cosmopolitan magazine. But for some reason a girlfriend gifted me a subscription, and I felt I needed to honor the gesture.

Hmm.

My hair removal routine is neither adventurous nor worth writing about, and as for the scale….. I’m afraid my hairless cat level will have to remain a mystery. I like my readers, but not that much.