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I’m a woman.
I love jewelry.
These statements are accurate. So while Facebook’s purchase suggestion was correct in theory, it was a tad off when it came to style.
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And when it came to shoes ?
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While I did appreciate the bottle opener feature, I tend to draw the line at astroturf footwear.
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Hmm… I didn’t know I wanted this either.
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But now I kind of do….
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Can’t afford that diamond ring you’ve been eyeing at the jewelry store? No worries, I’ve got your back.
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Grab that Hidden Valley Ranch and get cooking!
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Yes, this is real. And that’s a picture of the final product, which honestly… doesn’t look too shabby as far as ranch dressings go.
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If you’re interested, jump on eBay.
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Though I dare say it might be less expensive to try making your own.
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Men? I’m going to give you a little free advice so listen carefully.
I believe I speak for all women when I say we don’t want this.
We don’t this for our birthdays. We don’t want this for our anniversaries. And we definitely don’t want this for Valentines Day.
Uh uh.
Nope.
No way.
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The fact that this abomination is listed as “low in stock” is proof positive men are basically clueless gift givers and will benefit enormously from reading my blog.
Please spread the word.
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Ouch!
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😳
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While I’ve been known to enjoy some oddly flavored beer …
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That’s a hearty no from me. Pretzels belong in a bowl on the bar… to make you thirsty for more beer… not in the bottle you’re drinking. Blech!
For the first time in over a year, I lost a game of Scrabble to my husband. But in my defense?
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Even Noah Webster would have a hard time with those letters.
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We had a nice rain storm pass through recently so the husband and I took to the barn porch with adult beverages. He was interested to see if his leaky gutter repair worked ( it did ) and if his strategically placed rock ( which I told him was too small ) would protect the lawn from a rain induced pothole. ( it partially did )
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And in case you’re wanting a piece of jewelry to commemorate the shit show of the last year?
I have just the thing.
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You’re welcome.
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Miniaturized weaponry?
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Sure, what could go wrong. And advertised for use in school? Even better… though something tells me the teachers Union might not be on board.
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Chin fat? Even if I had it, I doubt I’d be wearing this chamber of horrors device. Why does that woman look happy wearing what amounts to a facial fireplace….
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Good grief. I get enough animal bites from an annoyed Lord Dudley Mountcatten, I don’t need ear nibbling Tyrannosauruses.
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I’ve visited a large number of museums in my day and tend to be jaded…. but I have to say, the collection of sterling silver in Williamsburg impressed even me.
Some were simple.
Others elaborate.
(Goose feet! I loved it.)
Some embellished your shoes.
Cases as far as the eye could see of master craftsmanship.
The thought of polishing all these beauties left me quaking….
But honestly…
Wow.
There was a cover for your honeycomb…
A ceremonial scepter.
And countless teapots.
Morbid jewelry?
Check.
Giant turtle?
With a slightly bored husband mimicking the facial expression of the fellow over his shoulder?
Check.
There was even a piece perfect for my Name That Crap game…. although it’s far from crap.
Let’s play!
What is it?
What do you do when you wake up to a rainy morning and you’re on vacation in Bethel?
You visit the Maine Mineral and Gem Museum…
Where it’s all about the rocks!
No, really…. it will be great.
Before we even made it inside there were awesome rocks.
Folded marble? Who doesn’t love that…
And check it, pink girlie rock!
I knew this was going to be good…
So you can imagine my disappointment when we discovered the museum was undergoing renovations and only had one room of rocks open to the public.
One room?
Okay, there was the Maine state fossil.
And one seriously freaky fish.
But….
But…
Only one room of rocks?
Even a chicken sighting didn’t cheer me up.
There weren’t nearly enough fossils.
Or gems and minerals to satisfy me.
But there were some pretty cool space rocks.
And they were certainly out of this world.
Some of them didn’t even look real.
But they’d make a fantastic kitchen countertop all the same.
Moon rocks rock…
But actual martian rocks?
Disappointingly dull…
The final case held Maine tourmaline.
Hugely popular for jewelry up here.
And in honor of our visit…
I had worn my pair of raw Kyanite bracelets.
Do I know how to coordinate or what?
A few polished balls later…
And all too soon…
We were done.
We’d seen all there was to see.
Except for the gift store…
Which had some absolutely fabulous jewelry!! With absolutely fabulous prices… and the husband couldn’t get me out of there quickly enough.
But if they ever finish the renovation, I’d go back.
One can never see too many rocks.
1. Peonies!
Great big colorful, heavily scented blooms.
If you’ve never smelled one?
I’m sorry.
They rival roses and lilacs for heavenly natural scent….
And I fill our house with them while I can.
The husband’s little nephew used to call them Pee On Me’s.
But either way?
They’re glorious.
I like.
2. The combination of wine and chocolate?
Always a winner.
But actual wine flavored chocolate?
Score!
Get yourself some immediately…. you won’t be sorry.
I like.
3. A bean bag store that stacks their products like an ice cream cone?
I like.
4. Two for one jewelry.
Buy a bracelet get a necklace…
And they both look good.
It’s true, I can.
Don’t hate me.
I like.
5. A fox with attitude.
This one stuck his tongue out at me.
Cheeky little bugger!
I like.
For women, it’s an inescapable fact.
We age… and things start to head south.
One day you wake up and the girls aren’t as perky as they used to be.
And before you know it?
You’re searching the jeans section for the ones that include butt lifters.
Spanx……
Minimizers….
Over the shoulder boulder holders….
The entire foundation undergarment industry is built on defying female gravity.
And because I’m over 40? (Okay, way over… now shut up)
I’ve got plenty that’s starting the downward descent…
So when I was cruising Bed Bath and Beyond the other day and saw this?
It really ticked me off.
WTF!
Now I have to start worrying that my earrings are going to sag?
It’s enough to make me turn in my woman card.
River's world..... 