I came home from the store the other day and stepped up on our kitchen landing.
Which is when I saw it.
Do you see it?
Let me give you a hint…
We hadn’t seen the little red bastards for a while, but it was right there.
A stolen apple wedge. Prominently placed where I couldn’t help but see it.
That bitch is taunting me now.
Let me preface this post by saying I’m a woman.
A woman who loves jewelry.
A woman who has drawers, boxes and yes even Tupperwares full of jewelry.
But no where in my vast collection of personal adornment will you find these:
At first I thought this was a joke. I mean come on…
Great Grandma’s choppers are not the first bling I think of when I’m slipping on my little black dress.
But apparently this is real.
And more than a little disturbing.
May I just say…
No. For the love of all that’s holy…. don’t get down on one knee and propose with late uncle Ezra’s right rear molar.
That’s just wrong.
Just when I think this horrible year can’t get any worse…..
2020 snickers and rubs its hands together in glee.
That’s right, a Great White Shark is in Maine waters and has killed a woman. We used to think this was impossible ….. but it’s 2020.
All bets are off.
Shortly after the tragedy, these pictures were taken off the coast of the Island where I used to lived.
That’s my Island in the background.
And if Great White shark appearances in Maine aren’t crazy enough?
This happened early Wednesday morning:
It felt like a bomb had exploded in our basement.
And if that’s a 2.2?
I’m never moving to California.
Of course, we’re Mainers.
We will rebuild!
A girlfriend told me she went shopping yesterday and still couldn’t find any toilet paper on the shelves. My usual reaction to this is an eye roll and an under the breath sputter of “people be crazy”…. but this time I thought I’d do a little research.
It’s not an intestinal virus FFS! Why is everyone still hoarding the Charmin?
The average American uses 141 rolls a year?
Christ on a cracker, that’s 2.71 rolls a week… per person! My husband and I have only used 2 rolls in the last 3 weeks…. together.
What are you people doing with it….
Wallpapering the bathroom while you sit?
I was 9 years old during the embargo, so can someone please explain why toilet paper prices were raised? Did people use it as an alternate energy source?
If so, how many miles per roll did it get?
And speaking of alternatives….
A million dollars worth of bidet attachments in a day.
Take that Cottonelle!
So concludes my treatise on toilet paper.
But let me leave you with this… when you’re a writer researching a topic for an article? I’m not sure it gets any better than being able to quote a source named Tushy.
I don’t normally blog about my husband’s job.
He is a Fed after all, they might be listening.
But this morning he received a message from a man who was threatening to shoot drones out of the sky. While that in itself was troubling… the man’s explanation was even more so.
You see the drones were flying over his house and scanning him with infrared rays. He was wrapping himself in tin foil for protection while sleeping, but would soon run out of supplies.
Who can blame him for being upset? Everyone knows the anal probe comes after the infrared rays….. and that’s enough to ruin anyone’s day.
The courthouse passed him off to the sheriff… who passed him off to the State Police… who passed him off to the husband’s office…. and now my other half has to deal with him.
It’s driving them out of the woodwork.
I went grocery shopping this morning….
And I now know what we will all be doing during the virus apocalypse.
Because there wasn’t a freaking bag of flour for miles.
There was beef, but no chicken.
Tissues, but no paper towels.
Ham, but no bacon.
Macaroni, but no spaghetti.
You never know what will disappear next. Although I did notice there was plenty of kale…. which makes it official.
If all that’s left on the shelves is kale? I will starve to death.
Because not only had I never heard of this woman and her bizarre career choice….
But I was totally unaware there was an audience for it as well.
I have an iPhone.
Which means I have Apple News.
So last week I was scrolling through the stories of the day and stumbled across this:
I shouldn’t have watched.
I know that…. believe me. But I thought it was a joke. I figured I would laugh and blog about the ridiculousness of it.
It wasn’t a joke.
And apparently this is a thing.
There’s an entire YouTube channel devoted to watching Dr. Sandra Lee pop people’s pimples.
She has 5,643,803 subscribers FFS!
I fear for the future of the human race when over half a billion people have nothing better to do than watch this:
We’re doomed I tell you.
Crazy real estate agent’s photos part 3, and let’s start it off with a bang.
Or a boom as the case may be..
There’s so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to start. Aside from the obvious WTF factor…. this guy looks like he’s getting ready to goose you. Why are his hands open wide? Why do you have to reach into his chest to flush? And considering what he must see everyday… why the hell is he smiling?
Someone clearly had too much time… and acrylic paint… on their hands.
Just your normal bathroom/dining room combo…
And bathroom/kitchen combo….
And bathroom/bedroom combo.
Not just for outside anymore.
When you live in the city… but your wife really wants a cow.
Because sun shade awnings are stylish anywhere.
Proof positive there is such a thing as too much togetherness.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing about this bizarre bathtub… the fact that it’s covered in carpet?
That it has 4 decorative poles?
Or that it appears to have an electric heater installed on the side?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.