Tag Archives: people

Pandemic humor.

Go ahead, laugh.

It’s better than the alternative.

Have you ever wondered how it will feel when we eventually  (hopefully!)  get back to normal?

I’m not sure I ever want a stranger closer than 6 feet again.

This could be a real problem if Aunt Jemima products are going to disappear…

I totally need that mask.

Yeah, we kind of do.

Well that goes without saying.

Personally, I’d prefer 2 continents.

One day only!

Better hurry.

It’s all about priorities.

And finally for my horoscope loving readers….

Pandemic humor.

 

Because laughter is the only contagious thing I want to catch.

 

 

That sounds about right.

 

 

We didn’t.

We really didn’t….

 

 

I’m all for this.

As hard as lock down has been, there are some people I’ve been quite happy to avoid.

 

 

I could totally rock that look.

 

 

Yeah.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had it with the conspiracy theorists.

 

 

 

That’s so wrong.

 

 

Tight pants.

A pandemic symptom I can totally relate to.

Which brings me to the new anthem for the Covid age.

Sing it sister!

 

Well that clears things up.

 

I’m shamefully reposting this from our town’s Facebook page because it captures the dynamic perfectly.

Want to find out who the idiots are in your community?

Join your town’s “Friends and Family” or local group page. The gossips, the curmudgeons, the do gooders, the righteously offended…. they’re all actively posting and making asses out of themselves on a regular basis.

Read on and tell me you don’t recognize a few of these people.

 

QUESTION:

How many Facebook group members does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being a***holes.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.

15 know-it-alls who claim that they were in the industry and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and GIFs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added: “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post the letter “F”.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post ‘Following’ despite the 3 dots at the top right that mean you don’t have to.

3 to say “can’t share”.

2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”.

36 people to post photos of their own light bulbs.

15 people to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or privately message an admin/moderator because someone said “f÷×$”

4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.

13 to say “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

3 to state sanctimoniously that this is supposed to be a friendly Facebook group and that all of this petty nonsense is a result of people abandoning courtesy.

5 admins to ban the posters who were insulting.

3 who come up with a conspiracy theory about light bulbs which either involves them catching Coronavirus or that they will fry their brains.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

 

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People can be so hateful.

 

I know tax time can be a stressful time of year, even now when the deadline has been rolled back.

And I know some people are still anxiously awaiting their stimulus checks.

But please, can we all just take a breath and have a little common decency?

The following is a recent FB post from the mother of a friend of mine. She’s a widow in her 70’s who works for H&R Block at tax time to supplement her fixed income.

The fact that she even has to say this saddens me.

 

 

 

So please, calm down.

We’re all in this together.

Even the tax accountants.

 

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Wiped out.

 

A girlfriend told me she went shopping yesterday and still couldn’t find any toilet paper on the shelves. My usual reaction to this is an eye roll and an under the breath sputter of “people be crazy”…. but this time I thought I’d do a little research.

 

 

Exactly.

It’s not an intestinal virus FFS! Why is everyone still hoarding the Charmin?

 

Whaaat!

The average American uses 141 rolls a year?

Christ on a cracker, that’s 2.71 rolls a week… per person! My husband and I have only used 2 rolls in the last 3 weeks…. together.

What are you people doing with it….

Wallpapering the bathroom while you sit?

 

Panic Room…

2020 style.

 

I was 9 years old during the embargo, so can someone please explain why toilet paper prices were raised? Did people use it as an alternate energy source?

If so, how many miles per roll did it get?

And speaking of alternatives….

 

A million dollars worth of bidet attachments in a day.

 

 

Take that Cottonelle!

So concludes my treatise on toilet paper.

But let me leave you with this… when you’re a writer researching a topic for an article? I’m not sure it gets any better than being able to quote a source named Tushy.

Quarantine fever?

 

I don’t normally blog about my husband’s job.

He is a Fed after all, they might be listening.

 

 

But this morning he received a message from a man who was threatening to shoot drones out of the sky. While that in itself was troubling… the man’s explanation was even more so.

You see the drones were flying over his house and scanning him with infrared rays. He was wrapping himself in tin foil for protection while sleeping, but would soon run out of supplies.

Well, sure.

Who can blame him for being upset? Everyone knows the anal probe comes after the infrared rays….. and that’s enough to ruin anyone’s day.

 

 

The courthouse passed him off to the sheriff… who passed him off to the State Police… who passed him off to the husband’s office…. and now my other half has to deal with him.

Quarantine fever.

It’s driving them out of the woodwork.

 

 

 

You can’t pick your neighbors…

 

But you can bitch about them on your blog, and that’s something.

When we lived down south we had a rental property next door. It was a revolving door of nightmarish neighbors, each one worst than the last. For 17 years we physically cringed when the moving van pulled up to unload the next batch of morons.

You think I’m kidding when I say morons?

One guy came over and asked my husband how to change a light bulb.

 

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One never mowed the lawn.

One had wild parties every night (and never invited us, which is the definition of rude).

One brought cockroaches to the cul de sac.

One had to be evicted (she may or may not have been a hooker, tough call).

One shot pigeons for fun and left their rotting carcasses in the back yard.

One ran an errand for his wife and never came back.

One painted the house’s exterior trim Pepto Bismol pink.

Yes, in retrospect it sounds entertaining. But trust me, it was anything but.

So when we moved back to Maine and chose to live in the country far away from the morons? When we picked a house where you can barely see your neighbors?

 

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Anyway….

Life was good. Until a dumb ass neighbor moved in to the house behind us.

Have you ever Google Earthed yourself?

This is a shot of our place.

 

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With a giant blue dot for what must have been me with my laptop out on the deck.

We own a smidge over 3 acres and as you can see, mow most of it. Our property line ends a few dozen feet into the woods and the adjoining property runs down to the river. Sadly, it was all one massive piece 2 years before we moved here. Wish we had found it before it was split up… but if wishes came true? I’d be 5’9″, 120 lbs and have a summer home in Tuscany.

The previous owners of our home lived here for 2 years while they built a larger house on the water. They were great…. but moved away after 10 years. Now we have a college frat boy/trust fund baby whose daddy bought him the house (for $750,000), gave him a prosperous business, which he then sold for a fortune and “retired” at 35. He spends all his time playing with numerous expensive toys and traveling on daddy’s dime. Must be nice.

But the reason for this bitchy post?

One of his toys is a giant motor home….. that he parks on the outermost limit of his property so he won’t have to see the damn thing.

 

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That’s us in blue, with our little 3 acres. We own a narrow patch of the woods past the fields….. his house is on the upper left of the picture.

He had all that wooded land in between….

 

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But he parked the stupid thing 2 inches from our property line.

 

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You can’t pick your neighbors… but you can certainly waste 478 words bitching about them.

 

 

So now I know.

 

I went grocery shopping this morning….

And I now know what we will all be doing during the virus apocalypse.

 

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Baking.

Because there wasn’t a freaking bag of flour for miles.

 

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There was beef, but no chicken.

Tissues, but no paper towels.

Ham, but no bacon.

Macaroni, but no spaghetti.

You never know what will disappear next. Although I did notice there was plenty of kale…. which makes it official.

If all that’s left on the shelves is kale? I will starve to death.

 

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