Tag Archives: people

Pandemic humor.

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Because I’m still here and still trying to find the humor in it.

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I remember climbing over seats into the back of our station wagon and sticking my feet out the rear window while my parents barreled down the Jersey Turnpike to the shore. How the hell did any of us survive to adulthood?

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This is why we’re not traveling. People be morons.

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Now if someone could just tell me how I can apply Dizzy Izzy…. my life will be complete.

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Good grief, I hope not. That will seriously impede my martini consumption.

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Are you one of those people?

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You know the ones, they pick up every free paper or publication they see no matter the subject?

Proctologist Monthly?

Yes.

Belt Sander Enthusiast?

Sure.

The Do It Yourself Lobotomy Newsletter?

Why not.

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It probably won’t surprise my regular readers to learn my husband is one of those people.

Free is his favorite word.. which is why he came home with one called the Maine Agricultural News the other day.

My husband, the man who’s never planted anything (other than free trees he lets die) in his life.

Here are a few fascinating highlights:

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Color me proud. My state is one of the top 5 potato chip potato producers.

And lord knows I do my part to keep the Lays company in business.

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The Pomological Society? There’s a sought after membership if ever I saw one.

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For those who don’t know, Maine blueberries are highly prized and big business up this way.

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But thanks to President Trump’s Chinese trade war, among other things… the berry news is decidedly blue.

And finally, disaster.

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Say it isn’t so!

Maine craft brewers have cut back on the production of beer to make hand sanitizer?

Oh, the horror.

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Magazine chuckles.

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I have stacks and stacks of free magazines I have yet to read. ( If you’re interested let me know, I’ll hook you up.)

Here are a few articles that got my attention.

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Online reviews of our National Parks. Proof positive people are idiots.

Although it’s hard to argue with ‘a very very large hole’ for the Grand Canyon.

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Thank you, no.

A month ago they were pushing mermaid shampoo and that was bad enough.

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Avocado pudding?

I’d rather eat kale stuffed meatless meatballs.

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I think I’ve mentioned my hatred of dolls and all things doll like. But a museum filled with uber creepy antique ones?

Now that’s a blog worth writing.

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Llamapalooza?

I am so down with that!

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Kind of underwhelming?

We visited Plymouth last fall and saw this oh so famous rock.

Kind of is the understatement of the year.

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Pandemic humor.

Go ahead, laugh.

It’s better than the alternative.

Have you ever wondered how it will feel when we eventually  (hopefully!)  get back to normal?

I’m not sure I ever want a stranger closer than 6 feet again.

This could be a real problem if Aunt Jemima products are going to disappear…

I totally need that mask.

Yeah, we kind of do.

Well that goes without saying.

Personally, I’d prefer 2 continents.

One day only!

Better hurry.

It’s all about priorities.

And finally for my horoscope loving readers….

Pandemic humor.

 

Because laughter is the only contagious thing I want to catch.

 

 

That sounds about right.

 

 

We didn’t.

We really didn’t….

 

 

I’m all for this.

As hard as lock down has been, there are some people I’ve been quite happy to avoid.

 

 

I could totally rock that look.

 

 

Yeah.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had it with the conspiracy theorists.

 

 

 

That’s so wrong.

 

 

Tight pants.

A pandemic symptom I can totally relate to.

Which brings me to the new anthem for the Covid age.

Sing it sister!

 

Well that clears things up.

 

I’m shamefully reposting this from our town’s Facebook page because it captures the dynamic perfectly.

Want to find out who the idiots are in your community?

Join your town’s “Friends and Family” or local group page. The gossips, the curmudgeons, the do gooders, the righteously offended…. they’re all actively posting and making asses out of themselves on a regular basis.

Read on and tell me you don’t recognize a few of these people.

 

QUESTION:

How many Facebook group members does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being a***holes.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.

15 know-it-alls who claim that they were in the industry and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and GIFs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added: “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post the letter “F”.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post ‘Following’ despite the 3 dots at the top right that mean you don’t have to.

3 to say “can’t share”.

2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”.

36 people to post photos of their own light bulbs.

15 people to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or privately message an admin/moderator because someone said “f÷×$”

4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.

13 to say “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

3 to state sanctimoniously that this is supposed to be a friendly Facebook group and that all of this petty nonsense is a result of people abandoning courtesy.

5 admins to ban the posters who were insulting.

3 who come up with a conspiracy theory about light bulbs which either involves them catching Coronavirus or that they will fry their brains.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

 

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People can be so hateful.

 

I know tax time can be a stressful time of year, even now when the deadline has been rolled back.

And I know some people are still anxiously awaiting their stimulus checks.

But please, can we all just take a breath and have a little common decency?

The following is a recent FB post from the mother of a friend of mine. She’s a widow in her 70’s who works for H&R Block at tax time to supplement her fixed income.

The fact that she even has to say this saddens me.

 

 

 

So please, calm down.

We’re all in this together.

Even the tax accountants.

 

tax_day_meme_cats

Wiped out.

 

A girlfriend told me she went shopping yesterday and still couldn’t find any toilet paper on the shelves. My usual reaction to this is an eye roll and an under the breath sputter of “people be crazy”…. but this time I thought I’d do a little research.

 

 

Exactly.

It’s not an intestinal virus FFS! Why is everyone still hoarding the Charmin?

 

Whaaat!

The average American uses 141 rolls a year?

Christ on a cracker, that’s 2.71 rolls a week… per person! My husband and I have only used 2 rolls in the last 3 weeks…. together.

What are you people doing with it….

Wallpapering the bathroom while you sit?

 

Panic Room…

2020 style.

 

I was 9 years old during the embargo, so can someone please explain why toilet paper prices were raised? Did people use it as an alternate energy source?

If so, how many miles per roll did it get?

And speaking of alternatives….

 

A million dollars worth of bidet attachments in a day.

 

 

Take that Cottonelle!

So concludes my treatise on toilet paper.

But let me leave you with this… when you’re a writer researching a topic for an article? I’m not sure it gets any better than being able to quote a source named Tushy.