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It’s well established that I am not a fan of that horrible green leaf called kale.
I don’t like kale chips or drink kale smoothies, so stop asking.
I won’t eat it and you can’t make me, no matter how constant the bombardment.
So imagine my horror when I saw the advertisement for this abomination of a product….
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No!
Not the children!
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A kale chew toy?
Wouldn’t that be more suited for a dog?
What the utter Hell!
😳
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You never know what you’ll find when you go antique shopping. Suffering from a nervous disorder?
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Plug in for instant relief. Or electrocution …
Searching for a few taxidermied squirrel asses?
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Look no more.
I actually wanted to buy the smaller one of these for the man cave… ( it’s the closest I’ll ever get to killing that little red bitch who chews through our walls ) but the husband wouldn’t let me.
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Need to give multiple fingers at once? They have that too.
And finally, if you want to suck out the souls of your grandchildren this Christmas?
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Vintage Santa is waiting with open arms.
😳
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Sometimes you see things that are just…. wrong.
And that’s what I saw the other day. A product that’s beyond wrong and well on its way to horrifying.
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For the love of all that’s holy, no.
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Ack!
Who in their right mind would purchase this abomination?
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I’m going to have nightmares about this, I just know it.
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The weather is getting warmer and that means the barn porch furniture needs to migrate from the man cave to its outdoor home.
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Which is going to leave a big hole in the room. Solution? Two manly leather club chairs and a table. Unfortunately this meant prolonged shopping excursions with the husband. And trust me… when it comes to picky, women have nothing on my other half. When we need new furniture, I usually do the scouting and narrow it down to 3 choices. Anything more than that overloads his senses. So imagine my unmitigated horror surprise when he suggested we make a day of it.
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Yes, that’s close.
Off we went down to Portland. First stop was Jordan’s furniture which is a truly massive multi level store. They had a nice selection of leather but nothing pleased the husband.
This was the first chair we saw and I thought it was perfect.
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The husband liked it, but wanted to keep looking.
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This chair? Too saggy.
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This chair? Too deep.
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This chair? Too small. Store after store after store and he didn’t like anything.
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Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a big purchase and I want him to be happy but after visiting 8 stores over the course of 6 hours, Goldilocks still wasn’t satisfied.
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The first chair had my vote and I lobbied hard. Nice grade of leather, perfect size, good color, and firm cushions. Husband wanted another look, so back to Jordan’s we went. He gave it a second test drive and agreed it was the best we’d found. I thought we were done and gave silent thanks to all the Gods I don’t believe in. Shiva, you rock!
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I positively swooned when the husband had a salesman print out an estimate thinking the ordeal was over…. but when my spouse found out their warehouse was in NH and there would be a $150 charge to deliver the chairs to Maine? He said we would drive to NH the following day. Five hours on the road, in his old 8 foot bed Ford pickup just to save $150. It will probably cost us that in gas.
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To be continued.
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Finally, something worth exploring.
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Hmm…
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Pomegranate wine sounds intriguing… but Gatorade Chablis?
The horror!
And speaking of horrors.
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Butt deodorant is back.
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Bacteria is digesting my bodily fluids?
Holy crap.
I’m going to need a lot of homemade wine.
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So I walked in on my husband the other day, and this was what he was watching….
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I knew it was going to be good.
Or bad.
Or so bad, it’s good.
I wasn’t disappointed.
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A walking tree stump reincarnation?
I was in!
Having missed the first third of the movie I can’t give you the background story, but I knew something was going to go wrong when the visiting doctors dug up a tree with a face and a knife in it’s… chest?
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Back at the lab, the lady doctor/heroine whipped out her stethoscope to check its vitals.
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The diagnosis? None. They were stumped… (pun intended) and left the room to confer with colleagues.
Bad idea.
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Very bad.
The rampaging evil spirit tree, which we learned is named Tobanga, ran amok and captured a South Sea native girl.
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And hurled her in the quicksand.
She begged for her life…
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But Tobanga was merciless.
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Bye bye scantily clad native girl.
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Her death stirred up the villagers and they vowed to track the malevolent creature.
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But you know that didn’t go as planned.
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This fellow was tossed into a ravine and impaled….
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Which pissed off the guy in the stunning headband to no end.
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He gathered more natives to dig a pit… and used himself as bait to lure the creature.
Edge of your seat drama. Yessiree.
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Success! We shall stab the beast with our spears..
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Light him on fire and make charcoal briquettes!
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But alas, that didn’t turn out well either.
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Headband guy was doomed.
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And chucked off the side of a mountain.
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And as you know it had to..
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Tobanga then captured our heroine.
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Her fellow doctors armed themselves and were in hot pursuit, willing to lay down their lives for the fair haired damsel in distress.
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(Except for the guy on the right who knows that bitch Karen deserved it for digging up the cursed thing in the first place.)
Bam!
Our hero saved the day with an expertly placed shot to Tobanga’s … heart?
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And into the quicksand he went….
Bye bye Stumpy.
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The natives were so grateful they asked our hero if he would be their village witch doctor.
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And though flattered, he refused… and moved back to Burbank with Karen.
Yeah, you know he’s going to regret that.
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Yes, the husband found another classic horror film while eating lunch the other day.
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The Green Slime, circa 1968. By the time I tuned in the slime had turned into tentacled creatures…
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And the perfectly coiffed nurses were desperately trying to save the injured.
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The creatures were relentless. Think Jehovah Witnesses…. they never give up.
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There was hand wringing and high pitched shrieking and numerous quivering lips.
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But never fear ladies, the hero has a high tech gizmo cart which will save the day.
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Only it didn’t…
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And the space station was soon in peril.
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Mission control had no answer.
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So an escape pod was launched.
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But no! There were creatures outside ready to block its path.
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Cue the hero and his handy dandy ray gun… he barbecued them.
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And then, just when you thought it was safe…. creatures were interfering with lift off on the bridge.
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Our hero battled bravely…
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Or maybe he experienced an interstellar orgasm, it’s hard to tell…. either way, he sacrificed himself for the greater good. The pod escaped.
And the station with all the burning creatures went down in flames.
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Yes sir.
A classic piece of cinema.
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My husband watches television to relax.
And while he’s usually knee deep in the news or old westerns, occasionally there will be a bit of classic cinema thrown into the mix.
Last week?
It was The Giant Claw.
Alternate title? When Dr. Seuss goes horribly wrong.
I mean come on.
Only a mother could love that face.
Engineer Mitch MacAfee (Jeff Morrow) spots a UFO while directing a study at the North Pole. But when the Air Force arrives they find nothing on radar, throwing Mitch’s reputation into doubt. But soon many airplanes are reporting attacks by a UFO, which turns out to be a giant speeding bird from outer space. Along with mathematician Sally Caldwell (Mara Corday), Mitch tries to determine a way to stop the bird, which has a force field that renders all weapons useless.
Yup. It was a classic.
Big Bird terrorizes New York.
Here he is attacking the United Nations.
1950’s people were running.
Which seemed to please the bird to no end.
Airplanes?
Yeah, he liked those too.
But never fear, these scientists will save the day.
The world is counting on them.
Bird was not impressed.
But look at all those high tech tubes and toggle switches!
It was only a matter of time.
The Giant Claw was toast…
And slowly sunk into the Hudson River.
Classic!
While I tend to spend more time with my face buried in a book that watching television….
I’m almost sorry I couldn’t stay awake long enough to watch this classic example of cinematic magic.
Zombie in Lederhosen.
How can that be anything but utterly delightful?
River's world..... 