Tag Archives: children

News you can’t use.

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Yes, stupid headlines are back. There are so damn many, I have to share…

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While it’s true I don’t have any children, I have often felt the need to turn a hose on one. *Note to self – inquire about teacher’s assistant positions in Kentucky *

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Oh FFS. Are we such delicate creatures that we can’t stand the full force of carbonated bubbles now? I fear for humanity, I really do.

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I’m not a sportswoman. Hell, my idea of exercise these days is bending over to scoop out the litter box… but if the breakfast of champions is beer? I may have to rethink my aversion to physical activity.

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No! Not the children..

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It’s well established that I am not a fan of that horrible green leaf called kale.

I don’t like kale chips or drink kale smoothies, so stop asking.

I won’t eat it and you can’t make me, no matter how constant the bombardment.

So imagine my horror when I saw the advertisement for this abomination of a product….

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No!

Not the children!

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A kale chew toy?

Wouldn’t that be more suited for a dog?

What the utter Hell!

😳

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Things for which there are no reasonable explanations.

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Have you noticed the new trend in flour? They make it out of everything now. Back in my day you had Gold Medal and the only choices were 1 pound or 5. Now? There’s rice flour, almond flour, spelt flour and….

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Good grief, don’t people know the only acceptable alternative use of watermelon is margaritas?

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I saw this coffee table in Home Goods the other day and it made me wonder….

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Has caging misbehaving children and dinner guests now become acceptable?Because I’m fine with that.

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Crocs…the hideous abominations are everywhere.

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They’re basically the Honey Boo Boo of footwear and people need to stop wearing them.

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And fruit themed Crocs?

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Do nothing to alter my opinion of these pathetic plastic horrors. Please… for the love of all that’s holy, let these things die the natural death of outdated ugly footwear.

Like Jellies.

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They were hideous, but at least they had the decency to die.

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Can I get an awww?

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Our farming neighbors across the street are awesome people. Honest, hard working, nature loving, alternative lifestyle vegetarians who raise their kids the old fashioned way… no tv, no cell phones, just plenty of love and imagination. As witnessed by this letter and treasure map they mailed to the two little boys who live down the road.

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Now how fun is that?

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I must be getting old.

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I don’t yell at children to get off my lawn, but I fear it’s just around the corner. Why do I think this? Because the other day when I was reading an article online I saw this…

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And my first reaction was disgust. I not only wanted to seat that little boy properly at the table…. but felt a serious need to slap the pleased, over indulgent smile off his mother’s face as well. Harsh, I know. But I was raised back in the Mesozoic era with something called manners. Please and thank you, no elbows on the table. If my mother had seen me with my knees on a chair, face down in a plate of food? She would have snatched me bald headed.

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Junior eating a funnel cake with no hands isn’t cute…. and trust me, it will not serve him well in the future. Neither will the belching or farting you find so amusing. No joke, we once had one of these grown up children at our dinner table. When he was finished eating, he took off his shoes and started cleaning his toenails.

Not cute. Not at all.

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Little known facts.

 

And once you read them you’ll realize how little you care…..

 

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I’m sure you could have gone all day with out hearing that, but since I hate nuts anyway? It strengthens my resolve that peanut butter is disgusting.

 

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Yeah.

Enjoy that sandwich now.

I dare you.

 

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I had to do a little research on this one because I grew up adoring Ted.

Sadly, he’s wasn’t always the sweet cuddly children’s author we imagined.

But I still love the Lorax, sorry Helen.

 

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Asbestos snow…

What could go wrong?

 

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True.

And quite bizarre…

 

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Well, we could all use a little more protein in our diets.

 

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People are allergic to cochineal insects?

How would they know? I didn’t even realize there was such a thing.

 

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Okay, I agree…. that really would have sucked.

And finally, because men aren’t filled with enough penile insecurities as it is.

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Sorry guys.

Penis envy is a horrible thing.

P.S. ….. When I woke up and checked WP on my phone this morning? My reader preview made me do a double take.

Damn.

The porn spammers will be back any day now.

Weird products.

 

They’re everywhere.. including here.

And while I like a nice manicure as much as the next girl?

 

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I don’t think I’m quite ready to share Mr. Ed’s beauty routine.

 

 

This next product confuses me.

 

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If my ears are cold….

Why am I sweating? And if I’m sweating….

Why are my ears cold? This makes no sense.

Third on the list –

 

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This bothers me for two reasons.

First, the name. I mean really…. there’s only one thing I think of when I hear the word tinkle, and an eyebrow razor isn’t even close.

Second… why are sharp instruments being packaged in cutsie pastel colors with a cartoon bound to attract children?

Little Susie doesn’t want a teddy bear…. give her something to slash her wrists with instead. It’s pink!

 

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Again with the lazy ass people products.

Because yes, cell phones really are too heavy.

Finally, there’s a product I didn’t even know I needed.

 

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My pillowcase is giving me pimples!

When the hell did that start?

 

For a Living Museum, it sure had a lot of dead things…..

 

Making our way inside, I was surprised by the number of dead things at the Virginia Living Museum.

And to be honest?

They didn’t look too happy about the fact either.

 

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Look at the stink eye on this owl.

Clearly he’s not pleased with that skeleton placement.

 

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The woodchuck has a piece of wood.

A bit too on point…. no?

 

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And Bambi?

Well, he looks like he’s ready to bite off a curator’s finger…. or two.

 

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Even the turtle you climb into wasn’t immune from the specter of death.

 

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But what really took the cake?

The Christmas tree….

 

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Complete with a fish skull angel topper.

 

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If that doesn’t give junior screaming holiday nightmares… nothing will.

 

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Thankfully there were live creatures as well.

 

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Though little people had to be talked into petting them.

 

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Horseshoe crabs used to wash up on the Jersey shore by the dozens when I was a kid and they always fascinated me.

 

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A more prehistoric sea creature you’re not apt to find.

 

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There were interestingly set up exhibits on multiple levels.

 

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Where the husband practiced his fish whispering again.

 

 

 

Various tanks contained the beautiful…

 

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And the bizarre.

 

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I couldn’t quite figure out this crab.

 

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Was he picking his nose… or giving me the finger?

Tough call.

 

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I was pleased to see my favorite Lionfish again….

 

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Spiky venomous fins and all.

 

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Gracie fell totally in love with a puffer and sang songs to it…..

 

 

 

Though she got yelled at by a volunteer for being a little too physical with the tank.

 

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I’m not sure why disco colored lights ruled in the jellyfish area.

 

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But we enjoyed the aquarium and it’s funky residents.

 

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There was an odd cave like area….

 

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That was very dark and next to impossible to take pictures in… so I can’t share the bats and snakes and reptiles we saw.

But I did manage a shot of the sign for my husband’s spirit animal.

 

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Yup… change the shiny objects part to rusty crap? And they’re his people.

Gracie enjoyed the interactive children’s section where all the other kids were making plates of plastic food for their parents.

My contribution to the meal she was making for her mother?

 

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What can I say?

You just can’t beat a nicely roasted rat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dead things, live things and lots of things in between.

 

After we settled into resort #2, we tried to pick a day’s activity that we could all enjoy… because yours truly was not visiting another theme park, no matter how much I loved that child.

 

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Hence the Virginia Living Museum in Newport News. Part zoo, part aquarium and lots of interactive children’s exhibits.

 

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Because who doesn’t love a velociraptor Santa Claus?

 

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An extensive boardwalk wraps around the wildlife enclosure where little people can run to their heart’s content.

 

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And the old folks can enjoy the beauty of a red fox…..

 

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And a bobcat.

 

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Who even though a wild cat, still enjoyed a cardboard box.

 

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                                          Insert required cute group photo here.

 

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There was a plastic dinosaur section…..

 

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Where little hands could get filthy excavating some plastic bones.

 

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Injured vultures…..

 

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And bald eagles were next… this one with a clearly broken wing. And if you’ve ever wondered how large an eagle’s nest is?

 

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Yeah. They’re pretty damned large.

 

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More boardwalks, more running.

 

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And some shore birds…

 

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Whose antics I could easily have stood and watched all day.

 

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Did she see anything?

No, but she had fun trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 9…. the Manor House and a goose free resort change.

 

Sunday dawned bright and sunny and our visitors wanted to check out the Manor House at the Historic Powhatan Resort.

 

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The smallest of our group thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

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Especially when she found a pint sized door just her size.

 

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Shame it wouldn’t open.

 

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But the game room was a good second choice.

 

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I had occasion to use the rest room this trip….

 

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And immediately fell in love with a sink.

Is that wrong?

 

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Sadly, it was Sunday….. and that meant it was time to change resorts.

When we time share travel and I’ve never been to the area? I usually choose 2 different resorts for our 2 week stays in case one of them is a dud. Of course we adored this first place and hated to leave….especially when Gracie found this under the bed when we were packing up.

 

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Proof positive there were no dust bunnies.

But, ever onward.

I was slightly appeased when we drove across town, found the road that led to the new resort and saw this on the corner.

 

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Ample tequila in walking distance is never a bad thing.

The Wyndham Kingsgate actually got higher reviews than the Powhatan we’d just left, so I was expecting something special.

On first glance?

 

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It looked like a school.

 

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And their pond was totally goose-less.

Strike one.

 

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The closest thing they had to a Manor House was the activities center which consisted of a few pools, a gym, and numerous video game machines.

Strike two.

 

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The buildings were much closer together with more units per building and though it was empty in this picture…. the parking lots were filled to capacity the whole time we were there and didn’t have reserved spots. We circled and hunted for a place every damned night.

Strike three and we hadn’t even been inside yet.

 

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Thankfully the 2 bedroom/2 bath unit was pleasant…… albeit smaller than the first resort.

 

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But the furniture was nice quality….

 

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The kitchen well stocked….

 

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And though the balcony was the bare minimum….

 

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The king sized beds were comfortable.

 

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I did take issue with the fact the master bathroom was smaller was than the guest…..

 

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And while the shower was attractive it only had that one tiny shelf which barely fit a bar of soap. What’s a girl supposed to do with her shampoo, conditioner, bath gel, loofah, razor etc.?

Piss poor planning if you ask me.

 

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And while the guest bath was also attractive, there wasn’t a heck of a lot more room to move around.

 

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See?

There isn’t even an entire horse in the picture…. that’s small.

But we did get the second floor that my husband always has to have. Which Destiny was actively cursing when she offered to drag my suitcase up to it.

 

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I believe her grimace is in direct proportion to it’s weight.

 

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The girls relaxed while we put the food away…. and Gracie drew me something to put on the refrigerator.

 

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I was thinking something like this would be more appropriate….

 

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But yeah, whatever.