Tag Archives: men

Really?

 

Have you ever been out shopping and stumble on a product that makes you go….

 

 

I did that the other day when I turned the corner and saw this:

 

IMG_5168

 

Catchy name.

And I admit… it made me look.

Then?

It made me sorry I looked.

 

IMG_E5169

 

Really?

 

 

Let’s break this down.

#1.   King of the Throne? Please.

This is the only king who will ever be on our throne.

 

throne

 

#2.   Tear, unfold and wipe, DUDE.

There are only two people who can get away with saying those words.

 

 

#3.   *ALSO SWEET FOR FACE, HANDS, PITS & DUDE REGIONS

Dude regions? I don’t want to explore that statement further.

Truly.

I don’t….

 

 

#4.  Ingredients include flower extract and citric acid.

Considering the purpose of the product… and the location of it’s use? I’m hoping there’s more of the flower and less of the acid.

 

 

 

 

And they talk about women!

 

The hunt for a new refrigerator continues, and just as I had finished extensive research and narrowed the field down to this one…

 

IMG_5327

 

The husband decided he wanted to go shopping and check them out for himself.

Granted, it’s a large purchase and I wanted him to like what I chose.

But ya know what?

 

 

I took him to the store and showed him my choice, which he walked right by and made a bee line for:

 

 

No.

And again? No.

Aside from the jaw dropping price tag? There’s no way I’m going to buy a refrigerator that tells me I’m out of cucumbers or what to cook for dinner.

Christ, do we really need “smart” appliances?

The day I’m too old and doddering to realize I’m out of cucumbers? I’ll stop cooking altogether.

In case you’re unfamiliar, there’s basically a computer on the door. You can make grocery lists, find recipes with the ingredients it knows are in there, and it will even link with your phone so you can check your expiration dates from remote locations.

Among other useful things….

 

l-15448-which-one-of-you-guys-put-pornhub-up-on-the-refrigerator-at-home-depot

 

Geesh.

All I want is cold food and ice.

 

smart fridge

 

Great. Scratch the ice.

So we shopped, and shopped, and shopped.

And the husband said that one’s shelves were too small,  that one’s lights were too bright, that one’s drawers were too deep…. etc etc etc.

To which, after grueling 5 hours I said..

“Come on Goldilocks!”

 

pick-one-5c46d7

 

So he picked one.

 

IMG_5465

 

And though it’s almost exactly the same as the one I’d picked a week earlier?

This one is $700 more.

 

 

So, men?

I don’t want to hear you say your wives are spending all the money.

My husband can out shop the best of ’em.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I got excited.

 

 

No, not that kind of excited.

Although now that I think about Chris… well, never mind.

I got excited because at 11:00am last Saturday the husband told me he was going to clean out the barn and set up a small yard sale.

My husband was going to get rid of his crap?

 

 

I was happy!

 

 

I was thrilled!

 

 

Hell, I admit it.

I was positively orgasmic.

 

 

I looked out the window and saw him sell something to a biker.

Yay!

 

IMG_4886

 

All the useless Harley knick knacks and paraphernalia…. gone!

All those extra Kawasaki parts and accessories…. gone!

And then I looked out the window again.

 

IMG_4899

 

And saw my late mother’s plant stand that I use on the porch…. gone.

My glass hummingbird feeders…. gone.

I was no longer excited.

 

 

And when I went outside to check exactly what it was he was selling?

 

IMG_4906

 

Yeah.

It was 100% mine.

Bags of clothes slated for Salvation Army donation, kitchen ware I was going to give his niece who’s moving into her first apartment, books that I trade with a friend.

He even had my hydrangea fertilizer on the table.

 

ugqbj4mm34fz

 

But the worst part? The part that really had my jaw clenched….

He set this all up, and left.

Went to visit his brother and expected me to sit there and sell all the items I had no intention of selling in the first place.

 

 

The man has a death wish.

There’s really no other explanation that makes sense.

 

 

 

Boys and their (too damned big) toys.

 

The husband had been sputtering about one for a year, so I knew ….

 

9883cf2c21c4fb59456df010c6cb13d295b46458015da848fb5d6c32e06e3d52

 

Naturally he had to have the biggest one they sold…

 

IMG_4639

 

And we had to rent a damned trailer to get the silly thing home.

 

IMG_4644

 

Sigh.

Did we need a lawn mower with a cut radius almost as wide as I am tall?

No.

 

IMG_4648

 

But we’ve got one now.

And contrary to popular belief…. bigger is not better when trying to fit said mower in your shed.

 

h58418EBB

 

I told him it wouldn’t fit before he bought it.

 

IMG_4671

 

I told him it wouldn’t fit after he bought it.

 

IMG_4672

 

You know where this is going, right?

 

 

It wouldn’t fit.

 

 

Yeah. Who saw that coming?

So now…

 

IMG_4674

 

His precious car is going to live outside so the even more precious new toy can have half of the garage to itself.

 

IMG_4676

 

Men and their toys.

 

thought-bubbles

 

Driving women crazy since time immemorial….

Cold weather, lawn tractors, pack rats and men that don’t plan ahead.

Have I mentioned it’s been cold?

Well, it has.

IMG_4041

(If you don’t have WTForecast on your phone, you should. It makes bad weather bearable.)

e9a1e5ab8c6d44252b7a0ae570c8dc60

And if we still had cats, yes. I’d do that too.

Bitter temps and high winds make me want to hunker down and hibernate…

And drink.

But come to think of it so do warm weather, humidity, fog, wind, rain, hail and thunderstorms….. so make of that what you will.

It’s still winter here in Maine.

But that didn’t stop my husband from shopping for a lawn mower.

He wants one of these –

IMG_4123

Which they practically give away for the ever so reasonable price of $5,500.

To which my reaction was…

He shopped around for the best price…

(spoiler alert, there isn’t one)

IMG_E4085

And made this poor guy dig one he promised to buy out of the solid ice and snow. Then he ordered it somewhere else.

Thanks husband.

Now I can’t show my face at the local Tractor Supply without fear of reprisal.

h268656E7

Did I mention…

This new tractor won’t fit in our shed slash (yes, there used to be a horse in there) barn?

Img_1214

Center post, 4 push mowers, patio furniture, wheel barrows, a generator, an extra truck tailgate, 2 old safes with no combinations, chainsaws, weed whackers, a plow, and 3 doors he brought home from the dump.

It won’t fit in the garage.

IMG_3111

(2 cars, 2 motorcycles, a snowblower, 2 bed frames, a sink, an antique cash register, trash cans so filled with stuff there’s no room for trash, a fax machine, bicycles, paint, tools, shovels and at least 100 empty boxes.

IMG_4153

Because you never know when you might need one.

Or thirty.

There could be a dead body. How would I know? I haven’t seen a wall, or parts of the floor in years.)

for-the-garage-is-dark-and-full-of-terrors

It won’t even fit in the new giant barn.

Husband has filled that with floor to ceiling crap treasure as well.

When he needs to work in there? It looks like this…

IMG_8783

He’s my husband, and he’s a pack rat.

(He also refused to build the ramp I wanted out the front doors and would have no way to drive the tractor up in there anyway.)

So…

When the new toy he ordered comes in?

I have no earthly idea where he’s going to park it.

Men.

You never plan ahead.

Men are very different creatures.

Example?

I’m neat and organized. When I start a job everything is laid out, prepped and ready to go.

The husband? Not so much.

His latest weekend project is putting up interior walls in our barn.

It’s a lovely barn, at least from the outside.

 

IMG_0158 (Edited)

 

And he built it by himself, nights and weekends for years.

 

IMG_7961

 

I love to sit on the porch and read….. but try not to go inside. It’s a large space and he’s filled it with totally useless crap.

So when it came time to put up walls? There wasn’t a lot of room.

 

IMG_8754

 

This is how he works.

 

IMG_8783

 

Clearing  a few feet as he goes along.

The very sight of it makes me twitch.

 

IMG_8780

 

And if you’re wondering why he has a microwave, a toaster oven and a broken water cooler in the barn? It’s because his office was throwing them out.

Need I say more?

 

IMG_8773

 

And yes.

That is a giant bullet behind the box of wooden shoe forms.

Please don’t ask.