Tag Archives: weight gain

Apparently any attic will do.

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I think I may have mentioned my husband’s obsession with crap useless vintage items. I’ve spent nearly four decades watching him sort through dusty boxes at yard sales, flea markets and antique stores…. but last week he surprised even me.

When we moved back to Maine 20 years ago he had to start a new job before we sold our house, so I stayed down south for a few months while he bunked with a relative. Since he didn’t want to make the trip empty handed, he filled his truck with boxes and stored them in an uncle’s attic. I thought we’d collected all those boxes long ago, but after taking his uncle out to lunch last week we were told some of them were still upstairs.

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Did we find the boxes? Yes, after 3 seconds of scanning from the top step I pointed them out. Did that stop my treasure hunting husband from searching someone else’s junk for a heretofore unknown copy of the constitution or a Honus Wagner rookie card? No. It did not.

I’m happy to report he found nothing but junk which thankfully stayed where it was. And after opening our leftover boxes, I would have been happy to leave some of those there as well. They were heavy as hell and mostly filled with books and clothes.

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It was a bit like a time capsule. My Pat Conroy phase reared it’s head.. and 20 years later I had to wonder why I felt the need to schlepp those all the way to Maine. But it was when I examined the clothes that a little piece of me died.

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Because it was at that moment I realized I am literally twice the woman I used to be, and not in a good way.

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Lord Dudley Mountcatten helped me sort when we got home, though to be honest it wasn’t a tough job.

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Not one single thing fit. I mean, hell… it wasn’t even close. If there’s anything more depressing than being smacked in the face with your weight gain by a box full of size sixes and eights, I don’t know what it is.

😫

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Oh, well. I did manage to dig out a few pieces of long lost jewelry … and they don’t care what size I am.

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Pandemic humor.

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Because I’m still trying to laugh.

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Ain’t that the truth! I’ve cooked and baked more in the past two years than I have in the last 20. Which sadly, my hips and thighs can attest to.

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I need one of those.

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This is funny, but not. Our neighbor is a nurse and has been past the point of burnout for a solid year.

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I really hope not, but you can’t argue with the logic.

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Have you ever said to hell with it and just eaten the cookie?

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I’ve been known to pepper my speech with the occasional four letter word… but by far, the worst one to ever cross my lips was diet.

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I was a normal sized child, a small teenager and a slim but curvy young adult. 110 lbs when I married my husband, and though I would positively kill for that figure today? Nature got in the way.

I gained a little weight at 35, but no problem. I hardly noticed it.

I gained a little weight at 40, and okay.. maybe I went up a size (or two).

But then I had a hysterectomy at 52 and gained a whole lotta weight. Being forced into menopause wrecked me and my body was no longer my own. No matter what type of diet or exercise I tried, the weight stayed on.

Next up was Covid lockdown with my husband teleworking and me cooking 24/7, so yeah. Another 10lbs.

And if that wasn’t bad enough? I blew my knee out last October. Damaged my MCL and ended up with a deep root radial meniscal tear… the worst kind. The kind that doesn’t heal. The kind that keeps you off the treadmill and plonks you on the couch. 10 more pounds and I’ve just about lost the will to live. Yoga pants are my friend and my clothes are silently mocking me from the closet.

I’m tired.

Tired of being overweight.

Tired of Covid ruining our travel retirement plans.

Tired of killer knee pain every single day.

Tired of the ugliness in the world.

Tired of the political and cultural divide in this country.

But most of all?

I’m tired of diets.

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So to Hell with it. I’m happily married and don’t need to impress anyone. My health is good despite the ##lbs I’ve put on since I hit 50.

So ya know what…?

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I’m going to eat the cookie.

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Things that are sad, but true.

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This first one might be a bit of an exaggeration…

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But there’s a reason I have a permanent dent in my right shoulder and tend to list a little to that side.

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Cross off the always annoyed and it’s a perfect description of me in the past year. Sigh…

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We cat people pretend our feline overlords feel deep affection for us…. but it’s just as likely they’d eat us if we dropped dead on the living room floor.

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Now that, is a dilemma.

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In the continuing series – River is a Pandemic Slacker….

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What have I done during the pandemic that can be considered constructive? Well… I’ve gained weight, tore the meniscus and damaged the MCL in my right knee, gained more weight, adopted a cat and drank my skyrocketing weight in alcohol. What haven’t I done?

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I haven’t written and published a cookbook with a lizard.

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But this woman did.

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And I think I’m going to have to buy it.

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Get thee to a hair salon!

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Covid has changed our lives in a myriad of ways, and while I’d like to say I’ve come to appreciate the smaller things and learned I don’t need things like dinner out, travel, shopping trips and concerts ( though I do, I really do! ) what I’ve discovered is somewhat different.

Basically I need two things.

#1….. I need to step away from the bacon, cupcakes and potato chips. Who knew sitting on the couch blogging while stuffing your face with snacks for a year could lead to none of your clothes fitting properly ? Not me, that’s for sure.

And #2….. I need to find a hair salon ASAP. Because along with socializing and vacations, the other thing I haven’t done in a year is get my hair cut.

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Last spring it was healthy and perfectly layered, this spring it’s dry, full of split ends and suffering from my crazed butchering with the kitchen scissors.

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No layers, no shape, no bounce. I’ve never gone this long without a stylist working their magic and it’s beginning to show.

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And no, I haven’t touched the color, it’s just different lighting in the photos.

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To be honest I thought a solid year of unchecked growth would result in more inches but it only seems to have lengthened on the top. Leave it to me to have weirdo hair.

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Pandemic humor.

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Because there must be something left to laugh about these days.

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Hey, I don’t blame them a bit.

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I’m hoping this isn’t real.

I truly am.

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Postponed? After a year of non stop cooking ( not to mention barn drinking ) and 4 months of forced couch potato status with a bad knee….. I’m going with cancelled until further notice.

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If you haven’t watched the whole thing, take a few minutes. It totally cracked me up. And made me feel like a total Covid slacker.

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Pandemic humor.

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Because I’m still laughing. (Mostly at myself, but hey… you’ve got to work with what you’ve got.)

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Actual selfie of author

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Now that’s what I call following the CDC guidelines.

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Wow. Now I’m really glad we got another cat.

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Agreed. I listen to my husband’s all the time and trust me, they would be greatly improved with a keg or two.

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I vaguely remember wandering aimlessly through brick and mortar stores sometime in the distant past….

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Technically this last one isn’t pandemic humor… but we’ve all spent so much time on social media lately it seemed appropriate.

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