Tag Archives: hair

Products no one needs.

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Correct me if I’m wrong…

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But that has got to be the worst product ever invented. If you want to see me in a homicidal rage? Watch me chase a screaming alarm clock down the hall with a baseball bat at 4:00am.

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Do I need to wrap myself in a life size tortilla?

No. I really don’t.

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A foot hammock.

Because those pillowed neck rolls people wear on airplanes aren’t ridiculous enough.

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Why in the world would I pay for an implement that gives me the hairdo I spend all morning trying to get rid of?

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Read my lips…

I neither have an inner mermaid, nor do I need to find one.

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This.

Because the government doesn’t eat enough of our money as it is.

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Bathroom products you might need.

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Or might not. That’s entirely up to you.

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Don’t discount alternative toilet paper. When the next Covid wave of hoarding shoppers comes through you’re going to wish you had grandma’s old Sears catalog.

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Good grief! If you’re losing that much hair in the shower? Seek medical help not a drain blocker.

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Now isn’t that just special?

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In the current Covid climate? This is the equivalent of one upping your neighbor. To heck with building a wrap around porch and landscaping with exotic flora…. displaying 8 rolls of toilet paper means you’ve arrived.

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Pandemic humor

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Admit it, you need to laugh as much as I do.

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Yeah, I hate when that happens.

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I’ve never had the pleasure, but from the tone of the reviews…. I’m going to pass.

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Karen.

That bitch is trying my patience.

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Am I the only one who’s slightly freaked out by this…?

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Stop bogarting the Oreos fat boy. Christmas is about sharing….

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2020.

It’s the only explanation.

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Products no one needs.

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My only question is why anyone makes these things in the first place.

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I prefer my clams in chowder with heavy cream thank you very much.

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Oh, hell no. I can only drink if the BeeGees are playing?

Trust me, if the BeeGees are playing…. I’ll need more not less.

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I’m sorry, but they don’t. Less really is more.

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While this is rather cute? It’s also a great way to take out an eye. Weaponized mallows are over the top, even for me.

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No. Aside from the fact the packaging seems to be marketed for 6 year old girls…

I refuse to wear a perfume named Juicy Bunny on sheer principle.

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I rarely post in real time….

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But I’m in pain and quite cranky, so here goes.

Remember a while back I stained our back deck on my hands and knees? I do it every few years but this time it caught up with me. Thank you (not so) old age, you suck the big root.

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My knee had been stiff and sore for the last month but I’m tougher than I look and just went about my business.

Bad move. Very, very bad.

Yesterday I stepped off my kitchen porch and something snapped. Like a rubber band… and yes, I screamed. Did I mention we had a big storm the night before and had been without power for 10 hours by then?

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Good times.

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I hobbled back in the house and iced it down but holy hell it hurt. I couldn’t walk, couldn’t bend, couldn’t put any weight on it whatsoever. Spent a very uncomfortable and sleepless night, then woke up looking something like this:

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I didn’t dare attempt a shower, so I limped to the doctors office this morning with my radical bed head and frightened a few staff members along the way.

Hey, ya gotta take your jollies where you can.

Turns out the doctor they assigned me wasn’t really a doctor just a nurse practitioner. And when he put me on the table to start pulling and tugging my leg in different directions? I was ready to cram his stethoscope where the sun don’t shine.

After the exam and manipulation I was almost in tears. Which is when he told me to go across town for xrays and an appointment with an orthopedist because oh, by the way… he had no earthly idea what was wrong with me. As I made my way back to the waiting room… with the speed of a 200 year tortoise… I discovered my husband had decided now would be a good time to request his flu shot.

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Which we waited a good half hour for.

So.. by the time I got across town, had xrays and was ready for my orthopedist appt? We found out the orthopedist leaves at noon.

It was 12:05…. and I was not a happy camper.

Long story long, I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8:00am and they think I either tore a ligament or ripped a tendon. Either way, it’s not good.

And oh yes, my devoted spouse who took the day off from work to care for me? He’s at our local pub having a late lunch. Me? I had to make my own.

Ain’t love grand?

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Pandemic humor.

 

Because laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

 

 

You knew it had to happen.

Pumpkin spice is everywhere….

 

 

Yay!

Though I’m ashamed to admit I’m old enough to remember those.

 

 

All things considered?

Not bad Jen.

 

 

At this point, falling through a giant hole in the ground would be preferable to grocery shopping.

 

 

She really is.

Momma needs a cocktail. Don’t judge.

 

 

Single guys?

Please let me know how these work.

 

 

I hope so…

But it’s not looking good.

Curly haired girls rejoice!

 

I’ve always had naturally curly hair. And while that didn’t allow me to blend in during the long straight 70’s, I came into my own during the bigger the better 80’s.

 

 

Women still pay large amounts of money for perms, but fresh from the shower and allowed to air dry?

My hair looks like this –

 

 

I normally embrace my curl… except on damp days when I tend to look like this:

 

 

But there are times when I’d like a change. A slightly more controlled look.

Before I found the wonder product I’m about to share with you …. with no remuneration from the company though damn it, they should… this meant schlepping to a hair salon and paying someone to spend an hour pulling and tugging my locks into submission with a hot blow dryer and a medieval torture device large round brush.

But now?

Now that I’ve found this miracle wand?

 

 

It’s smooth sailing when ever I want.

 

 

In no time flat my hair is …

 

 

Flat!

 

 

And now that you’ve seen more pictures of the back of my head than you ever thought possible?

 

 

Go get yourself one of these.

It’s quick, it’s easy… and if you can twirl spaghetti?

You can have straight… or in my case straighter… hair than you ever dreamed of at home.

No. Just… no.

 

I think we’ve established I won’t eat it.

 

 

I’m not eating the kale chips.

I’m not drinking the kale smoothies….

 

 

Hell no.

But this?

This is a bridge too far.

 

 

 

Now you want me to wash my hair with it?

 

 

Vegan?

Damn…. and here I was looking forward to lathering up with a nice chunk of fat back.

 

 

Nope.

This is a kale free household and it’s going to stay that way!

Jennette’s Pier, Nags Head North Carolina…. cold wind, cursing, birds and the death of a hairdo.

 

Continuing farther down the coast of the Outer Banks, I wanted to stop and walk out on a pier.

(Have I mentioned that I have a knack for picking the coldest, windiest, most frigid days to do this? Seriously… it’s a gift. If there’s one bitter cold day on an otherwise delightfully warm 2 week vacation? That’s the one I’ll choose to walk out on a pier.)

 

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There’s the husband, bracing himself against the wind and giving me (and my phone) the evil eye.

 

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And there’s the entrance to Jennette’s Pier, the biggest and best in Nags Head.

 

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Gladly.

This type… and the other. It was too damn cold for either of them.

 

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Approaching the entrance…. you don’t follow a yellow brick road.

 

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But a line of memorial blue fish.

I love this idea!

 

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A quick peek at the beach…

 

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The map…

 

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And me mumbling ‘Holy Crap it’s freezing! Can you read the pier history a little faster please?’

 

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A quick peek at the beach on the other side.

 

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Through the gate…

 

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Past the turtle.

And finally, the door…

 

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Where the husband had to hold on to his hat so it didn’t fly off.

It was that windy.

A brief warm respite inside to pay the $2 ticket price and out we went.

 

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As piers go?

It rocked.

 

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Even the birds agreed.

 

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These guys were everywhere.

 

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Fighting the wind just like us.

 

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Hairdo?

Not so much.

 

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So we walked….

 

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Shivering in the arctic blast…. with the husband cursing me under his breath.

 

 

Good times.

 

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Every now and then there would be a wind break where we’d huddle to catch our breath.

 

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And then finally, we reached the end.

 

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Where the husband realized we had to walk back, into the wind…. and started cursing me under his breath all over again.

 

 

Cape Cod Day 5…. P’town, sand and a museum.

 

Day 5 of our Cape Cod vacation found us driving to the Outer Cape. About as out as you can get and still be on the Cape actually…

 

p.town

 

Provincetown.

Or P’town as it’s known to the locals.

I’ve heard it’s the place to be in the summer, but it was November and the wall to wall tourists were long gone. Sadly, so was most of the fun as many places were closed for the season. But we managed to have a good time all the same.

As you draw near, you realize it’s unlike other sections of the Cape.

 

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John F. Kennedy designated a National Seashore here…

 

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And there are miles upon miles of unspoiled beach.

 

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As well as some pretty impressive sand dunes along the road.

 

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But it was cool, foggy and threatening rain so we kept driving… keeping an eye out for this:

 

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Thankfully it’s hard to miss on the skyline. Wanting to climb to the top for the fabulous views, I was unaware of the museum at it’s base.

 

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Never one to pass up a museum, we began strolling.

 

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The first thing you notice? Pilgrims.

 

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And Pilgrim history. Figuring it was because they landed up the coast at Plymouth… I had to admit I was shocked.

 

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Whaaaat? You mean my grade school teachers got it wrong…

And I went all the way to Plymouth to photograph a rock for nothing! Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Pilgrims landed in P’town first. And believe me when I say they take that fact very seriously at the museum.

 

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But it wasn’t all Pilgrims.

 

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The building was filled with maritime history…

 

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And a musk ox, like any good museum should be.

 

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There were recreations of a Captain’s ship board quarters…

 

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Which aside from the chamber pot, looked pretty comfy.

 

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As well as his home on land.

 

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There was an antique fire engine…

 

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And a wreath made of human hair.

 

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Because who doesn’t want one of those hanging on their living room wall?

 

 

There were maps of the Cape..

 

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With questionable artwork.

 

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Is it me, or is that Griffon in dire need of a Jane Russell 18 hour bra?

 

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There was some Arctic expedition fashion…

 

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Shoes!

 

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Even a rooster hat…

 

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And a couple of local celebs who clearly knew how to have a good time.

 

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Yes, there was a Mayflower replica…

 

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But it was the antique doll collection that made me want to run screaming from the room.

 

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Holy Hell, those things are creepy.

 

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I mean, come on…

 

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You know this one will be feasting on your flesh long before you’re dead.

 

 

Quick…

Find the monument before she gets hungry.

 

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