Tag Archives: clothes

Apparently any attic will do.


I think I may have mentioned my husband’s obsession with crap useless vintage items. I’ve spent nearly four decades watching him sort through dusty boxes at yard sales, flea markets and antique stores…. but last week he surprised even me.

When we moved back to Maine 20 years ago he had to start a new job before we sold our house, so I stayed down south for a few months while he bunked with a relative. Since he didn’t want to make the trip empty handed, he filled his truck with boxes and stored them in an uncle’s attic. I thought we’d collected all those boxes long ago, but after taking his uncle out to lunch last week we were told some of them were still upstairs.



Did we find the boxes? Yes, after 3 seconds of scanning from the top step I pointed them out. Did that stop my treasure hunting husband from searching someone else’s junk for a heretofore unknown copy of the constitution or a Honus Wagner rookie card? No. It did not.

I’m happy to report he found nothing but junk which thankfully stayed where it was. And after opening our leftover boxes, I would have been happy to leave some of those there as well. They were heavy as hell and mostly filled with books and clothes.



It was a bit like a time capsule. My Pat Conroy phase reared it’s head.. and 20 years later I had to wonder why I felt the need to schlepp those all the way to Maine. But it was when I examined the clothes that a little piece of me died.



Because it was at that moment I realized I am literally twice the woman I used to be, and not in a good way.



Lord Dudley Mountcatten helped me sort when we got home, though to be honest it wasn’t a tough job.



Not one single thing fit. I mean, hell… it wasn’t even close. If there’s anything more depressing than being smacked in the face with your weight gain by a box full of size sixes and eights, I don’t know what it is.




Oh, well. I did manage to dig out a few pieces of long lost jewelry … and they don’t care what size I am.


Happy November


Temperatures are dropping, as are all the pretty autumn leaves. Late fall is setting in and winter won’t be far behind. Pumpkins will be tossed … but before you do, consider this:



Critters love pumpkins. And if you aren’t blessed with chickens? Please cut them in half and toss them in your nearest woods. Many creatures can’t cut through the rind, but they love the juicy interior.



Funny, and very true. I’ve never canned a single thing in my life and don’t intend to start now.



If you’re tempted to wear these on Thanksgiving? Please… for the love of all that’s holy… post pictures.


Sometimes you have to be ruthless.


Especially when your closet looks like this.



I spent 5 solid hours sorting, cleaning and trying on a shockingly large collection of things that no longer fit… but only managed to finish one little section.



It was exhausting… as well as depressing and I called it quits when I hit the jean pile, mumbling tomorrow is another day in my best Scarlett O’Hara voice.



I had to ditch multiple pairs of cute boots due to my I’m not 90 but my feet think they are bunions that have ruined the joy of shoe shopping and turned it into a loathsome chore I’ve come to dread. Gone are the days of fashionable heels… now? I live in sandals, sneakers and boots.



Three garbage bags later my closet looked better… but I was more than ready for a consolation cocktail. Or two.


I feel like my food is just phoning it in.


After reading an article about a fine arts student in Montreal who made clothing out of food?



I realized the contents of my refrigerator have to step up their game.



Damn it cabbage, get up off your ass.



And to think I’ve been wasting my broccoli in casseroles.



A potato chip shirt? Sure it’s all innocent fun… until someone opens the dip.



I don’t know about you, but an orange isn’t going to cut it for me. My girls would need cantaloupes.


I have questions.


My first question is why I even bother going to Wal Mart in the first place? For a store that claims to have everything, they rarely… if ever… have what I need.

Bird seed?




Is there a new Covid 19 shopping panic I don’t know about? Are preppers stocking their bunkers with sunflower seed and suet now? I mean really… every single time I go Wal Mart… specifically for bird seed… the shelves are bare. It’s beyond annoying.

While I was there this time I also looked for individual au gratin baking dishes, because ya know… River needs to bake some fancy fish.

Nope. Couldn’t find any.

The rude gum smacking purple haired helpful sales associate I finally tracked down and asked told me there was no such thing… but I could find the potatoes on aisle 12.




Our niece wanted some flowered ones for her dorm room… but Wal Mart said no can do.




Forget about it. Plain grey, beige and navy. It was the same blah color scheme of that furniture store I visited a while back. And hey, I understand trends as much as the next girl… but what happened to something for everyone?

Feeling totally discouraged, I searched for one more thing.

A simple thing. A thing surely every Wal Mart in America carries.

A sweatshirt for the husband…

But did I find one?

I think you know the answer to that.

There was one lone sweatshirt in the men’s department. A size small… in bright red.

* note to Wal Mart stockers – get with the program! It’s Maine. We need bird seed, sweatshirts and fancy fish bakers. *



I have a question.


So if someone could tell me what this is?

That would be great.




Because I was out shopping with a girlfriend a month ago and found something on the ladies clearance rack I can’t explain.



Let’s ignore the fact it’s butt ugly.

And there’s a random patch of black lace on a sweatshirt.

Let’s also ignore the clashing colors of the plastic gewgaws on the breast.




What. The. Utter. F*ck?

Is there a group of low limbed mutant women roaming my state?



Or maybe they have 4 arms….. and can’t decide if they want to go sleeveless.

Either way, I can’t begin to fathom how anyone else would be able to wear this monstrosity.


Random things I saw today….


In the parking lot of a restaurant I saw –

The best damn car seat covers…





If these don’t stop your mother in law from asking you for a ride?

Nothing will.

At Goodwill I saw –




Technically no, Richard…. no one said sale.

It’s just thrifting.




But may I say…..eeewww.

Clearly there is no quality control in the thrift store business.

This was a sleeve of a blouse with hair covered velcro on the end.

Why did it have hair covered velcro on the end?



It’s Goodwill. How the hell should I know?

And finally I saw…




A full grown pregnant doe terrified of a chipmunk.

He was sitting on the edge of the stone wall, chipping… as chipmunks are wont to do.

And she wouldn’t come any closer.




I don’t speak chipmunk, but maybe….




He’d had a bad day.








The purge continues…





No, not that kind.

Although now that I think about it….




Maybe one night would be alright.


I’m talking about my  damn it, the shelves are about to break  walk in closet clothing purge.

Last week I sorted through 107 pairs of jeans and capris.

This week? I attacked the shirts.




Should I tell you there were 133 stacked there…. and that’s not counting what was hanging or hiding in 3 large bureaus?

No… I don’t think I will.




Purging is work.

And time consuming.

Not to mention depressing as hell when you realize how many items you actually can’t fit into anymore.



(If you’ve never done this, and have no idea what I’m talking about?

You’re too thin…. and I don’t think we can be friends.)

What to keep?

What to discard?




I purged.




And have 4 more bags to donate to Salvation Army.

Yes, I hated to give up the Sometimes I Amaze Myself tee shirt… because damn it, sometimes I do!

But you have to be ruthless when you purge.

Before – 133.




After –  47.






I was ruthless I tell you.




Apparently just like the sadistic bananas at your local grocer’s.

Help me out here…


Like most humans, I have two legs.




Alright, and some cats as well.

So how is it possible that I had 107 pairs of jeans, slacks and capris in my closet?





So… 214 leg coverings.



How did it happen….

Is there a trouser fairy I’m unaware of?

Or do they breed when the lights go out?




Something had to be done.

So I tried on 98 pieces of clothing.

This was in no way enjoyable and looked something like this:




(If you don’t have fat and skinny sections in your closet? Please move along, I don’t tolerate that kind of self control here.)

I know, I know.

The stack had gotten a little out of hand.

But look, I’m donating all of these…




And I managed to organize a small section of shelf.




Woo hoo! I can see the wall.

Yay me.

But now?

Someone needs to talk to the shirts.




Because I’m getting a little overwhelmed.




Yeah, it’s a tough call.


Because a girl has to take advantage of extra closet space when it presents itself…. right?