In the last three months I’ve seen pasta fly off the grocery store shelves.
Pandemic shopping fever has wiped them clean at times and all that was left were substitutes.
Kale linguini?
Not if my life depended on it.
Squash angel hair?
Thank you, no.
So imagine my horror when I saw this in the refrigerated section this morning.
Tofu fettuccine and spaghetti.
What fresh Hell is this!
I picked up a package and it felt like slimy rubber…. which is probably what it tastes like it as well.
Broken toe and all I was assisting…. to which my lovely flip flop tan lines can attest.
I was staining. And photographing the husband sanding over the two planks he just had me stain.
He has a very organized work plan.
Not.
Am I organized?
Screws and washers laid out, paired and waiting to be used.
So yes, damn it…. I am.
But a railing was installed.
And measuring was done.
I would say not enough measuring by the looks of the piece of wood he replaced when I was in the house.
He tried to tell me it was always like that, but what really happened was this – he removed a section of rotted beam, didn’t have one to replace it… but did have a small 2×4 he thought would do just as well when turned sideways.
Did it match? No.
Was it long enough? No.
But he graduated from the school of I’m Not Going To The Store To Buy A New Piece When I Have An Old Piece Under The Barn.
His defense rests.
He promised to “stick a little piece in later” but I doubt that will be an improvement.
*Please note there is a bright yellow 21rst century tool on the deck in the fifth picture. I placed it there hoping the husband would put it to use, but I’m sure you know how that turned out. *
I don’t care how cute you are….
You can’t come in!
Well… maybe if the husband wasn’t home.
Temperatures and humidity rose to an unbearable level but the deck railing project moved on.
Slowly.
And with copious amounts of sweat.
Rotted wood here.
Rotted wood there.
And then my husband decided to add the piece of J channel that he was supposed to add 16 years ago when he enlarged the deck.
(No judgement on the dirty siding please, we have yet to buy a new pressure washer.)
The existing piece only ran halfway and the task of replacing it has been on my honey do list for almost two decades.
So off to the store he went, coming back with white J channel, while the old piece is beige.
This was a problem.
That he knew he could solve.
Hours were spent on this tiny annoying detail.
The old piece wouldn’t come out without tearing off the siding, and the siding had been caulked around the door and corner post so that was more hassle than it was worth.
He tried to slide it over, then under, and then up around the old piece but nothing worked.
Hot and frustrated, he ended up cutting a section of the old piece out and we were left with this.
A gap which will probably fill with water when it rains, but hey… it matches.
And if you’re wondering what I was doing during this time?
I was breaking the little toe on my right foot which isn’t so little anymore.
Ever the helpful wife, that’s me.
For something so small, it’s amazing how much that sucker can swell and hurt.
The result of my injury?
Husband had to do my job of staining the new wood.
In what little bit of shade he could find.
An entire day, and only we accomplished 3 things.
Yay us.
Flowers –
For a pure burst of summer color?
You can’t beat peonies.
They’re bright, lush and smell heavenly.
Flags –
Or as my husband calls them…
Guest towels from the spare bathroom you nail into a long piece of wood when your wife isn’t looking.
Foolishness –
The gift a friend gives you because she knows you’re allergic to horsefly bites.
With a name like the Bug Bite Thing, you don’t expect it to work.
And no surprise, it didn’t. A horsefly bit me, I suctioned my arm as directed and still swelled up like a politician at a pay by the plate fundraising dinner.
More foolishness –
Contains 40% urea.
WTF!
Don’t know what urea is?
Google it, I’ll wait.
**********************
Right?
Who in the world wants to rub urine on their feet.
And on the off chance I ever do? I’ll save myself some money and ask the neighbor’s dog to pee on me. Lord knows he’s been trying to for years.
But not before another trip to the store to buy wood.
(Yes, I know the husband is wearing his mask incorrectly but his glasses kept fogging up)
Two perfect pieces for the top of the railing had to be found. And even though we were searching through the more expensive smoothed cedar boards?
They were rife with holes, chops, cracks and warty blemishes.
After 45 minutes…
We moved on to the 2×4’s.
Is it any wonder our small weekend projects turn into 3 month long slog fests?
So this is our deck, and those are the railings that will be replaced.
Hopefully by the end of summer.
Of 2020.
First step…. remove the old railings.
The first few were easy as they had been screwed.
Then it got harder with massive doubled rusty nails that didn’t want to let go.
Did I mention we picked the middle of a heat wave with record breaking temperatures to start this project.
How hot was it….?
Okay, not quite. Though it felt that way.
That thermometer was sitting on the table in direct sunlight.
It was actually this hot, in the shade.
And for Maine?
That is insanely frickin’ hot.
But progress was made.
And halted when rotting beam sections had to be cut out.
With 1950’s era tools.
Yes, I’m afraid so.
And you know what happens when you use power tools from the middle of the last century?
Nothing good.
Wine.
We all love it, but it rarely makes us laugh.
Until now.
Best.
Wine.
Name.
Ever!
Remember the beautiful mallow I planted this spring?
They were doing so well.
I’d found the perfect spot for them and was looking forward to years of beautiful blooms.
But it won’t happen.
Because…..
So I sprayed.
And they ate right through it.
I sprayed again.
It didn’t repel anything. Matter of fact, I think they liked it better that way.
So I sprayed a third time.
You know where this is headed right? I spread red pepper flakes, I scattered moth balls… it didn’t matter.
And now?
My beautiful mallow look like this:
The adorable and quite ungrateful, I feed them apples for Christ’s sake! little furry creatures discovered my mallow and decided to keep noshing no matter what deterrent I tried.
Yes, I’m talking to you.
Apparently mallow is a tasty woodchuck treat, and they made short work of my once gorgeous plants.
They nibbled so much and so quickly, I had to dig the plants up and put them in pots on our deck.
And then….
Yeah.
The I still love them but they’re trying my patience tiny devils climbed up on the deck, tracked down the mallow and tried to munch them right in front of me.
That’s balls.
So now?
My ugly ass, half dead, skinny, leafless stalks of mallow are up on the table looking ridiculous while I ply them with Miracle Grow and hope for the best.
But I am really not happy.
I’ve always had naturally curly hair. And while that didn’t allow me to blend in during the long straight 70’s, I came into my own during the bigger the better 80’s.
Women still pay large amounts of money for perms, but fresh from the shower and allowed to air dry?
My hair looks like this –
I normally embrace my curl… except on damp days when I tend to look like this:
But there are times when I’d like a change. A slightly more controlled look.
Before I found the wonder product I’m about to share with you …. with no remuneration from the company though damn it, they should… this meant schlepping to a hair salon and paying someone to spend an hour pulling and tugging my locks into submission with a hot blow dryer and a medieval torture device large round brush.
But now?
Now that I’ve found this miracle wand?
It’s smooth sailing when ever I want.
In no time flat my hair is …
Flat!
And now that you’ve seen more pictures of the back of my head than you ever thought possible?
Go get yourself one of these.
It’s quick, it’s easy… and if you can twirl spaghetti?
You can have straight… or in my case straighter… hair than you ever dreamed of at home.
No, not that kind of wood.
The kind that my husband wanted to replace this:
Our deck railings, which are rotting in a few places.
I’ve tried to talk him into ripping the whole deck out and putting in Trek composite…. yours truly is tired of staining every 2-3 years…. but no. He got half of the deck wood at a yard sale, for free.
It must be preserved.
Did it match the existing wider deck planks?
No. But you’re not supposed to notice that.
So…. we shopped for wood and different railings.
If you’ve never shopped for wood with my husband you don’t know what you’re missing.
He used to run a quality assurance shop for helicopters in the Marine Corps and he takes quality seriously.
Does it surprise you to learn that we spent more than an hour searching for 2 pieces….. and he didn’t find any he liked?
It shouldn’t.
But I did come home with new bronze deck balusters.
To be continued….
River's world..... 