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Because it looks like we’re going to need these again.
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It’s true. I’m starting to feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
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Agree or disagree, it’s still funny.
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Yes! That’s it exactly….
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I fill those darned things three times a day, stop complaining.
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No political comments necessary.
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Some years, if we’re not traveling… we spend Christmas Day with friends. They tend to have less emotional baggage than family, and are generally a lot more fun. Of course last year, Covid ruined everything about the holidays and we neither traveled nor made merry with friends. Boo to global pandemics! They’re such a buzz kill.
Our friends, being fun loving (as well as gift greedy) have decided to celebrate 2020’s lost holiday in July. (It will be a barbecue/pool party at our friend’s newly purchased house/horse farm/how the Hell is a 50 something single woman going to take care of this huge spread by herself.)
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We’ve been invited and encouraged to get into the Christmas in July spirit…. so naturally I will be wearing this:
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Because nothing says Ho! Ho! Ho! like Santa in a mankini.
I will also be bringing this:
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A Covid themed piñata, so we can all take our frustrations over the past year out on something other than our spouses.
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Yes. To all of that. And I won’t be filling it with candy, no. In honor of the shit show that was 2020 I will fill it with these:
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What are those you ask? Only the perfect gift to give your friends in case certain items become hard to find again.
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Portable toilet paper! Am I a genius or what?
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And to further get into the Christmas spirit? I’ve purchased this 2020 totally went down the drain themed tree.
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I did not however purchase the accompanying ornaments.
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Tree turd danglers?
No.
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Definitely, no.
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It feels like it’s almost over, but I still want to laugh.
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I hate when that happens.
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A little regional humor. But no less true…
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This was precisely the reason we chose our current home. I know we technically have neighbors, but not seeing them makes them makes my fondness for them grow.
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That looks about right.
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And this one is dead on.
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I’ve never been a huge fan of piñatas. I mean really, if you give me a baseball bat and want me to hit something other than a ball? It better be something worthwhile… like a certain red squirrel who shall remain nameless.
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But hold the phone…. there’s a piñata filled with liquor?
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Nipyata! Count me in.
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Covid? Sure I’ll give that a whack.
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Clown? Definitely whacking that creepy SOB.
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No, I might have to pass on that one. The husband wouldn’t want me practicing that particular swing.
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Apologies to my Republican friends, but that’s just begging to be whacked. (And look, he’s on sale)
😈
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Being fully vaccinated, I’m starting to feel safer venturing out with a friend for some long over due retail therapy. First stop? A nursery.
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Because as I’ve said previously, you can never have too many flowers.
Second stop? Goodwill… where I saw this.
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Although I had no idea what it was. At first I thought it was a cat with big tatas wearing a cape and waving. Then I figured out it was a cape wearing kangaroo with boxing gloves and an open pouch. The question is… why does such a thing exist?
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We visited a gift store with strange mossy things…
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But I did like the upside down air plant stuck inside a dried urchin.
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And if you ever want a suede comforter with barbed wire?
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Complete with turquoise stars and fringed pillow shams? I can totally hook you up. ( Although I won’t be spending the night in your guest room. Uh uh. Nope. )
I had to laugh at the rainbow coalition of Crocs.
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Does anyone even wear those monstrosities anymore?
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And finally, this was the one that got away. I’m filled with regret for not scooping that little gem up when I saw it. Ice cubes in 8 minutes? I totally should have bought that for our man cave bar.
😩
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On our way home from our scenic drive the other day we stopped for a cocktail ( or two ).
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Repeat after me… martinis are not made with rum. Nope. Uh uh. Never. Cherry Gin Ricky it is.
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Nice flavor, but a little too sweet so I asked the bartender to dial back the grenadine on #2. Bartenders are wonderful people, so helpful and attentive to our needs.
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Cocktails with my husband always requires food, so he ordered mussels while I opted for Truffle fries. Both were yummy but the real news? Even after I declined ketchup, 3 packets made their way to our table.
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Oh, the extravagance! After the waitress said she couldn’t take them back due to Covid rules… and when my husband remembered there was a shortage causing people to list them on eBay for $15 per… he scooped them up and brought them home. Where they’ll languish in the drawer until the next global pandemic lockdown.
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We got a phone call telling us the leather chairs we’d ordered for the man cave were ready for pickup. Erring on the side of caution, I suggested we take the husband’s old truck in for a check up before making the long trip. In typical man fashion he thought this was a ridiculous idea, got aggravated with me for impugning the integrity of his baby and told me to schedule the furniture pick up for Friday.
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You knew where this was going…. right? The truck started sputtering and jerking when we hit I-95, an hour after we left home. I suggested we turn around and go back, but no. The husband had the bright idea to get off the highway and ride the back roads down to New Hampshire. This added at least 2 hours to our 2 1/2 trip. When we finally limped in to Nashua… which has awful stop and go traffic and endless traffic lights on the main drag… the truck was stalling every time it idled. I suggested we pull off the road, but no. The husband could literally see the warehouse where our chairs were patiently waiting. He didn’t pull over… so at the final red light? The truck died. Totally and completely died. Smoke pouring out from under the doors died. Yours truly had to jump out and help the husband push it off the busy road into a parking lot. With my bad knee. In case you were wondering…. pushing an 8 foot bed pickup is not on the approved radial meniscus tear exercise list. Ouch! We called AAA and were told due to a tow truck driver shortage it would be a 3 hour wait. Ever sit in a hot truck for 3 hours waiting on a tow? I don’t recommend it. At 4:30 that afternoon…
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The tow truck came, loaded our vehicle on the flat bed and promptly told us due to Covid restrictions we couldn’t ride back to Maine with him … and oh yeah, our coverage was only good for 100 miles. So they’d have to charge us $5 per mile for the overage.
😳
We paid, the truck went back to Maine…. and there was really only one thing left for us to do.
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I drank. I fumed. I ate southwestern egg rolls. I drank some more.
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There may have been eye rolling. (Who am I kidding, there was definitely eye rolling. )
And then I called a friend. A good friend who jumped in his brand new truck and drove over 2 hours to pick us… and our leather chairs … up. Good thing the warehouse was open until 8:00pm.
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We took him out for dinner and drinks. We filled his giant gas tank. I slipped $100 bill in his center console.
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We arrived home after midnight.
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Not the best time to move furniture, but when do we ever do anything the easy way?
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Did I mention the barn door (the free door my husband got at the dump) is a non standard size? The chairs got stuck 4 times. There may have been cursing, but at that point I was too tired to care.
We rolled in to bed about 1:30am…. and I thought the bad luck was over.
I was wrong.
To be continued….
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The crisis is slowly winding down and Covid humor is harder to find, but here are the latest.
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Sometimes it really is better to bee safe than sorry. ( Feel free to groan. I couldn’t help myself. )
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No doubt!
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You can’t argue with that logic.
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While technically these aren’t virus related jokes, if you’ve done any home improvements in the past year you know the price of lumber and supplies has skyrocketed.
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We were in Lowes the other day ordering shingles for our long overdo roof repair, and trust me… this isn’t far off the mark.
And finally…
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Ouch!
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There’s a new product shortage right around the corner.
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Yes, it’s true.
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So if you’re hard up for cash? Start digging through your car’s glove compartment for the ketchup you threw in there during your road trip to see the world’s largest ball of twine back in ‘04. That stuff is gold!
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Because the price gouging has begun.
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In reality I guess it makes a perverse type of sense.
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20 packets for $50 doesn’t seem like a bargain to me.
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But in a few months, maybe it will be.
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Since hugging friends and family has been a definite no no for the past year, I’m offering an alternative.
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Bovine cuddles!
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I wish I’d known about this when we were in Arizona. Giving a cow a belly rub has to be better than the 3 days I spent in bed with altitude sickness. And in case you didn’t know, this is apparently a trend. Shortly after I read that article I found the following on my town’s Facebook page.
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I may not have to travel after all.
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No cows were available, but the goats are booked solid. Who knew livestock was so lovable….
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River's world..... 