Tag Archives: humor

You’re never too old to learn…. Ukulele

September 12, 2018 Rivergirl 38 Comments

It’s that time again.

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This week’s class:

Ukulele Extravaganza, Beginner

For many years the happy instrument so closely associated with Hawaii has been experiencing a huge revival around the world. Here is your chance to take part in the ukulele revolution. Folks of all adult ages will enjoy playing this very cool but accessible instrument. In this class students will learn to read music and play songs by picking and strumming. No prior musical experience is necessary. The instructor taught instrumental music at the Middle School from 1986-2017 and after taking a leave of absence to study music therapy at Arizona State University in 2008, she fell in love with playing the ukulele! She studies ukulele with master luthier/performer/teacher, Joel Eckhaus in South Portland, the Hawaiian masters at the Aloha Music Camp in Hawaii, and at the Ukulele Summit in Bethesda, Maryland.

Again… this is a real part of the curriculum.

And yes, you too can learn to play the Ukulele and be the envy of all your friends.

So let’s break this down:

How have I missed the huge Ukulele revival?

What have I been doing….

Okay, sure.

But the Ukulele revolution?

I wasn’t that busy…

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Well, maybe.

Although calling the Ukulele a cool instrument may be stretching the truth a bit.

But if you want to ~~drive your immediate social circle to drink and get yourself crossed off every guest list from now on~~ be a hit at parties, give Maine continuing education a try.

Classes start Mon, Sept 17, 6-7 PM, for 9 weeks

$59 non refundable.

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Best or worse? You decide…

September 11, 2018 Rivergirl 35 Comments

So a product caught my eye the other day, and it was screaming “Blog me!”

Suc It.

( No, I’m not yelling at the neighborhood kids again…. that’s the product name.)

It’s a silly little suction gadget you put on your cell phone to help take better selfies, though for the life of me I don’t see how. But what I’m here to ask is….

Best ad campaign? Or worst?

Let’s examine:

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My first thought was sex toy, but then my mind ran with how great that website address is.

Suc-It.com. Priceless!

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Apparently you can Suc It anywhere you go…. how handy is that?

And for the procrastinators among us –

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You can even Suc It next week. Perfect for the busy working mom.

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These golfers are clearly clueless how to Suc It, but that can’t be surprising. They wear plaid pants and white shoes on a regular basis.

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Hell, even the family dog can Suc It!

Of course the campaign can go off the rails at times….

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I don’t know about you…. but these kids give me the creeps. They look hungry for human flesh and not what I need to see crawling out of my glove box at 85mph on I-95.

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And yeah.

Capturing precious moments by Suc-ing It just doesn’t fly with me.

So I doubt I’ll be buying one anytime soon.

But maybe….

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A t shirt to wear for special occasions?

Now that has tons of practical uses.

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Random photo drivel.

September 10, 2018 Rivergirl 20 Comments

(Otherwise known as I need to clean out my files and none of these shots warranted their own blog.)

Is it wrong that every time I see our organic vegetable farming neighbor’s migrant workers heading out to the fields I hum “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off To Work I Go?”

(It is, isn’t it?

Damn. I’m not sure I can stop.)

*Note to self – do not search Giphy for Hi Ho Hi Ho, you will not get the 7 dwarfs*

In other neighborhood news, a nice young couple down the road got married in their backyard last month and wanted to include their dog in the ceremony.

Now, how cute is that?

You’re welcome.

In garden news, I’m quite enjoying these funky pink flowers I didn’t plant.

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I love it when random drive by bird pooping results in something pretty.

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I mean look at these little guys….

They could be planning next year’s perennial bed right now.

Or… they’re an evil sparrow cabal plotting revenge for my decision to switch bird seed brands.

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Tough call.

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Ode to a Cheeto.

September 8, 2018 Rivergirl 23 Comments

You can’t improve upon perfection, so why do they try?

Witness the Cheeto.

The guilty pleasure snack everyone loves, but no one will admit to eating. With the texture of fine styrofoam and that glorious radioactive neon orange dust… how can you resist?

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And yes, I confess.

I have been known to squirrel away my bag in the back of the coat closet so no one else can eat them.

So why?

Why would my girlfriend offer this pale excuse of a substitute and think I would approve?

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Yes, she’s the same one who put kale chips with the french onion dip at her party.

And we all know how I feel about kale. So what’s up with Kale… and why does everyone want me to eat it?

But… Cheetos, made out of beans?

That’s just wrong.

(And trust me… beans are not better. These things tasted like crunchy industrial sewage.)

Leave me and my Cheetos alone!

And bury my dust covered corpse accordingly.

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You’re never to old to learn…. Potatoes.

September 6, 2018 Rivergirl 32 Comments

In my continuing effort to enlighten…

Let’s dive a little deeper into continuing education.

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Last week’s spoon bending was a hit, You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

And while this week’s class may be a little Maine-centric…. isn’t that half the fun?

So grab your taters and let’s go to school.

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Spud Night – I’ve Got My Eyes on You!

If you are a Mainer (or from away) who is stuck in a potato rut, you will want to join us! We will learn how to choose the correct potato variety for use, see and taste many grown varieties and taste Roasted Fingerling potatoes. The class will make Swiss Rosti Potatoes, warm German Potato salad and Sweet Potato Puree with Smoked Paprika. The evening will be both demonstration and hands on. Bring a peeler and sealed tubs to take home leftovers (if there are any!)

$10 material fee included. No discounts

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Again, yes. This is real.

There is actually a course on potatoes.

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And admit it, you’re stuck in a potato rut.

We all are.

Hell, even Mr. Potato Head needs an update now and then.

Look how downright creepy he started out.

Would you let your child on the playground with that moustache twirling tater?

Of course not, so grab your peeler and get to class.

Thurs, Oct 25, 6-9 PM

1 Session

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Crustacea gigantum.

September 5, 2018 Rivergirl 11 Comments

They’re going to need a bigger pot.

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And a lot more butter.

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You know your bush is too big when…

September 1, 2018 Rivergirl 21 Comments

You have to hang out the window to trim it.

Wait.

Maybe I should rephrase that….

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You can’t make this stuff up…..

August 30, 2018 Rivergirl 26 Comments

Yes, this is really happening.

Animal rights organization PETA said Wednesday it had asked the Maine Department of Transportation (DOT) for permission to build a “roadside memorial” along Route 1 near the site of an Aug. 22 crash in Brunswick involving a truck carrying live lobster.

PETA says the 5-foot tombstone memorial would urge passersby to “Try Vegan.”

On Aug. 22, a Cozy Harbor Seafood Inc. truck transporting an estimated 7,000 lobsters packaged in 60-70 crates rolled over along Route 1 in Brunswick, sending many of the live crustaceans into the road and ditch. Police said hydroplaning likely caused the crash.

(Click the link to view the carnage)

All lobsters were removed from the scene and many were deemed no longer sellable.

“Countless sensitive crustaceans experienced an agonizing death when this truck rolled over and their bodies came crashing down onto the highway,” said PETA Executive VP Tracy Reiman. “PETA hopes to pay tribute to these individuals who didn’t want to die with a memorial urging people to help prevent future lobster suffering.”

Ummm….

Does PETA realize where those lobsters were headed?

News flash –

It wasn’t Club Med.

The five foot tall tombstone memorial proposal was shot down and denied by the Maine DOT this afternoon.

You can’t make this stuff up.

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You’re never too old to learn…. Spoons.

August 29, 2018 Rivergirl 35 Comments

I love my state, I really do.

Maine has beautiful scenery, clean air, quaint villages, a huge craft beer industry and lobster I can’t eat….

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But we also have a thirst for knowledge.

And classes for almost everything… as proved by the local continuing education brochure I received last week.

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(There’s an ass on the cover named Jack Cass, you know it’s going to be good.)

Alongside the normal foreign language and computer courses there are some Maine-centric things like boat captaining and crossbow hunting, but I’m going to focus on the odd. The funny. And the downright bizarre.

There are too many ~~seriously wackadoodle~~ choices for one blog, so it’s going to be a weekly series until I run out of ridiculousness. Let’s begin.

Class #1 :

Quantum Spoonbending.

Yes, you read that correctly. The description is as follows…

“What is the value of this spoon bending class? If, with very little training, you can easily bend a spoon that you could not easily bend before (if at all), then you can begin to see how powerful you actually are! Learn to access the subtle energy field that surrounds us all. The metal softening mechanisms you will learn in this class are actually quantum mechanics techniques you can transfer to enhance your daily life. This is the same energy field ancient and new age healers are accessing to perform healings and miracles. You will learn and practice several different techniques that will not only allow you to bend spoons, but allow you to experience inducing other changes in material reality. Learn how healers have been able to mend broken bones instantaneously and see how it might be possible for you to perform miracles in your own life. There is a $10 materials fee payable to the instructor at the start of class. No discounts.”

Let’s break this down –

1) Do I need a spoon to realize how powerful I really am?

Doubtful.

2) Transferable techniques to enhance my daily life.

Really?

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(Sorry, I couldn’t resist)

3) If it’s the same process people are using to perform healing and miracles… why would I be happy just bending a damned spoon?

4) A $10 material fee with no discounts.

But… but…

What if I bring my own spoon?

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Classes start Nov. 7th 6-8:30

Duration 3 weeks.

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High tech hair?

August 28, 2018 Rivergirl 27 Comments

So I’m an 80’s girl.

I grew up with MTV, parachute pants and yes…

Big hair.

Okay, not that big.

But it’s fair to say I went through a considerable amount of hair spray in that decade and did my part to widen the hole in the ozone layer.

Fashions may have changed….

But my naturally curly hair still requires a ~~vat of industrial adhesive~~ ~~and a trowel~~ bit of work.

I’m always on the look out for new products and stumbled across this the other day:

Helmet Head sounded about right, so I bought it.

But what did Cationic Hydration Interlink mean?

Definition of cationic. 1 : of or relating to cations. 2 : characterized by an active and especially surface-active cation. a cationic dye.

Thanks for nothing Webster.

Wikipedia?

Cationic polymerization is a type of chain growth polymerization in which a cationic initiator transfers charge to a monomer which then becomes reactive. This reactive monomer goes on to react similarly with other monomers to form a polymer.