So a certain blogger (who shall remain nameless unless he/she actually wants to take credit for this post) sent me a link to a product that I found the day after Thanksgiving.
Having just enjoyed copious amounts of turkey, I admit it made me think twice about ever eating one again. It seems we never really know what those birds are up to pre gluttonous feast.
Behold The Tryptotrouser Turkey Print Ball Hammock Boxer Briefs:
Yup.
They exist.
And the product description is totally blog worthy.
Spend more time stuffing your face and less time stuffing your balls this Thanksgiving. Introducing the only ball hammock boxers that can hold just as much weight as your tryptophan-induced insides can fathom. Protect your baby gravy like you protect your prized family seat, with a ball hammock to gently rest your stones and an ultra soft micro model material that will have your girl wanting seconds. And thirds. And probably yams because yams are just so tasty.
“Baby gravy”?
I’ve heard a lot of interesting terms for the male anatomy over the years…. but that’s a new one. (And speaking as someone who loves gravy on her mashed taters? Stop using it…. right freaking now.)
But if you’re thinking yeah, thanks a lot River. Thanksgiving is over and now I’ve missed a perfect opportunity to give a wonderfully thoughtful gift along with the green bean casserole?
Fear not.
This post will pass along further information for what I think is probably the best Christmas stocking stuffer ever.
For your husband, your brother, your uncle, your cousin…. Hell, for every man in your life.
Give them to your mailman and the guy who changes your oil.
If you clicked the link, you’ll realize I wasn’t talking about those delightfully revolting pink Hostess treats that look like Tribbles.
It’s another thing entirely.
No, I’m not kidding…
And some of the descriptions are funnier than the product itself.
“Summer is a decidedly, uh, swampy time for many men and the summer of 2019 has been especially hot and humid throughout most of the northern hemisphere. Dress loose and in light fabrics all you want, eventually the heat hits you in the crotch.
It’s a uniquely male problem and one underwear company has the solution to that and more. Snowballs basically wants to ice your ‘nads back into the comfort—and fertility—zone.
Being able to walk around with your ‘nads air-conditioned without risking indecent exposure is pretty appealing. And Snowballs claims their product can do more than just frost the funk away from your nether regions.”
Swampy?
Yeah, no one wants that.
“From setting sprays to chafing balm, ladies have a few tricks up their sleeves when it comes to handling the heatwave.
But now men have found something to help them out on scorching hot days — freezable pants.
Over on Amazon, a brand called Snowballs Underwear is selling “scientifically-backed cooling underwear”.
The underwear comes with ice packs — dubbed “SnowWedges” — that men are able to put in the freezer before popping into a pouch that sits over the groin.”
And before you decide the whole thing is just a joke, here’s a video to prove icing your balls, sack, nuts, jewels, sweetbreads, Christ…what term won’t get me kicked off WordPress? parts has actual medical benefits.
As opposed to the numerous sets of temporary walls we’ve installed, uninstalled and installed again.
And it’s finally starting to take enough shape for the husband to hang up a few tools.
Of course…. a chain, a pick ax and a shovel might not bode well for me and my oh so helpful ideas.
The floor is still 2 different levels of dirt thanks to the woodchucks and chipmunks….
But we haven’t had time to deal with it between rain storms.
The husband has also discovered that when I’m busy taking pictures… he can use his head for a brace. It works quite well.
So, walls and roof section on…
The tape was applied.
If you’ve never used the Zip wall and roofing system? Let me tell you… this stuff is golden. I don’t know what the hell they treat it with but once you tape up the seams it stays waterproof for a long time. I think they say 3 months open to the weather, but on our big barn we left it for over a year… through a Maine winter.. and it was fine.
You’re only supposed to use the tape with the Zip pieces, but baby barn has so many gaps and holes we taped everything we could find in preparation for a big upcoming storm.
Did the husband get a little happy with the tar paper caps? Probably, but we get some hellacious wind blowing across the fields.
So, three and half sides are done and it’s battened down for rain and wind.
Maybe it’s just me, but I swear it’s big brother is looking down in disgust.
Sadly, we may not have time or appropriate weather to finish it this year. I seriously wanted shingles on before the snow flies but my husband says the siding and trim have to go on first… something to do with flashing.
Although what that has to do with anything….
I’m sure I don’t know.
So, fingers crossed we can at least remove that last rotted section soon.
Next step in the baby barn remodel was the removal of the addition the previous homeowner added.
This was easier said than done….
And at times required multiple beatings with a crowbar.
Slowly but surely it came down.
And the temporary walls and roof were removed.
Which is when we noticed a wee bit of sag.
A little lifting…
A little of me saying WTH?
A whole lot of digging….
And propping up later, it was level.
On that side…. which usually throws all the other sides off.
I swear this entire project has been so much work than it needed to be. We could have torn it all down and rebuilt an entire new one in half the time it’s taken us to get this far. Which I believe was my original idea.
Cold weather is fast approaching, and we’re no where near done.
News flash – yours truly will not be out there working in sub zero temps.
You see, for the entire year my husband has been saying he’s going to retire in December. He also forbade me to book any vacations because he works for the Federal Government and can sell back his leave when he goes.
(He gets 5 weeks off every year, so the payout can be substantial.)
Except now that the day is rapidly approaching, he decided he’s going to work a little longer.
Yes, his reasoning is sound.
The old boss he hated has left and been replaced with a laid back, drama free manager.
Starting next year, they’re going to push teleworking from home 2-3 days a week…. and since he already works four 10 hour days, it will probably be a 1 day a week commute.
Good benefits.
Good pay.
The ability to dump more in our TSP (Thrift Savings Plan, the government’s answer to a company matching IRA).
I get it.
I do…
But our retirement plan was to travel, and I’d like him to be semi-mobile and breathing without a respirator when we do. (Hauling a corpse in and out of resort elevators is such a drag.)
But back to the scrambling….
It’s almost the end of the year and I don’t have much time to plan and book 5 weeks worth of vacations before time runs out. It’s not easy with the holidays right around the corner. We have a timeshare on a points system and can go anywhere, but since he’s waited so long to request time off, he can’t get more than a week at a time…. which leaves out long distance trips. I hate spending 2 days flying back and forth for only 4 days on site. With the price of tickets these days, it’s not worth it.
So thanks to WordPress’s magic scheduling ability, as you read this… we are currently returning from a week at a ski resort in the western mountains of Maine.
That’s right Lionel, I haven’t been here for a week and you didn’t even miss me.
God bless technology.
Did we ski? Hell no, it’s too early for that… even in Maine. But it’s a beautiful area and I’m sure we explored. And drank. And took pictures.
Let’s face it, there’s going to be a weekly baby barn update for the duration of the deconstruction/construction.
Which, at this point…. I figure will end sometime between Jesus, isn’t it done yet? and If I have to pry one more splinter out of my hand, I’ll shoot myself in the head and call it good.
Walls.
If you’re an immigrant during this administration? Not Good.
If you’re a rotting baby barn circa 1974? Very good.
Here’s a pic of the husband using his vintage (what feels like 50lb) saw.
You’ll notice he’s hunched over and applying pressure. That’s because the damn thing shimmies like a tilt a whirl on crack and might fly apart if you don’t.
Walls.
They’re a good thing. But sometimes…
You see where I’m going with this?
From the outside all looks well.
From the inside, things went a little squirrelly on the right.
Crooked?
Do we care?
We do not.
Do we wait for the wife to bring the dust pan during clean up?
So, another weekend done.
Another section framed and ready for siding.
Did I mention that the husband’s plan of starting at the halfway point on the front and working his way around makes it look a bit odd?
As you know…. my husband has a habit of coming home from the dump with more than he went with.
But this week?
I think he even surprised himself.
We’d been working on the baby barn and the truck was full of rotted wood.
Our local recycling center won’t take it because it was painted, which means a 40 minute trip to a solid waste disposal site. He came back with an empty truck….
And this:
Yeah.
A 2005 BMW.
Did we need another one? No.
And come on, you know owning two BMW’s is twice as obnoxious as owning one.
Why did he buy another one?
Because it was clean…
Had low mileage for it’s age…
And the little old lady that owned it treated it like a child.
I really have to stop letting him go to the dump alone.
*Disclaimer – technically he didn’t get this atthe dump, just found it at a house along the way. Hell, if he’d found it for free at the dump… I wouldn’t be complaining.*
Our old baby barn/shed has a dirt floor with heavy duty rubber mats on top. Due to numerous woodchuck holes and tunnels, we had to drag all the mats out. That sounded easy enough until I realized each one of them weighed the equivalent of an African elephant…
Seriously.
A pregnant, morbidly obese African elephant carrying a suitcase I packed for an overnight trip.
Did I mention they were all covered in pounds of dirt as well?
So as we’re moving the next to last mat…..
This.
A chipmunk burrow with tiny scraps of paper, plastic and leaves.
Upon further examination…
A maze of tunnels, which I thought was pretty cool, until… it moved.
Do you see the leg?
Yeah.
Not a tunnel.
A nursery…
Which means we had to find the other end of the tunnel and relocate them. Not an easy task.
Five minutes after we found them?
Momma found us.
And she wasn’t happy.
She ran around squawking and chirping and looking for her babies.
After a while I think she found them, because she stopped searching and started stuffing.
Stuffing her little cheek pouches full of all those little scraps of paper….
And scurrying back for more.
Within minutes she’d cleaned up the whole lot.
Watch her cram a dried leaf that’s almost bigger than she is below.
(And please pardon my husband’s cursing. Things were not going well with the rebuild at this point…)
After we wasted time relocating chipmunks, we realized we had to relocate a bird’s nest as well.
So many evictions.
I felt like an evil slumlord.
Back to work…. and things did not go well.
Which was completely the husband’s fault.
He had the crazy idea he could square the building properly (After 40 plus years of Maine frost heaves? Madness!) and changed the original footprint….. which in turn threw everything off kilter.
More good times.
Did I mention he uses tools from the 1950’s picked up at a yard sale or the dump?
This little jewel feels like it weighs 50 lbs.
But he has the original box… and vintage lube.
So it’s special.
P.S. For those of you who pay attention, this post is actually out of sequence. That back wall is gone now. Apparently my blog scheduling has run amok.
Work on the baby barn project graduated from glacially slow to slow as molasses last weekend…. and we managed to frame a wall in 3 days.
Though to be fair, ripping off that old rotted pressboard is like Chinese water torture.
It literally shreds in your hands.
But slowly… we saw daylight.
And by Saturday afternoon we had open space and a center post that was barely hanging on.
And by barely?
I mean barely.
The husband did the usual dirt shuffle in his ongoing attempt to level the building. A pipe dream at best as it was built in the mid 70’s… and it’s Maine.
Frost heave central.
Measuring is fun.
Ripping out posts that were nailed in with spikes?
Not so much.
Pardon the sun glare and bad manicure… but damn.
Talk about overkill.
Framing started Sunday, with a new window taking center stage.
And continued when the husband decided to dig out all the dirt underneath the structure…
And lay paving stones in yet another attempt to level it.
Then came the rain… and a mad dash to put everything away before it got soaked.
And then?
Then… the baby barn got a rainbow.
And I found my honey at the other end.
Can I get an awwww?
Where there's only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
